Thai Massage

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Geo: 18.8, 98.98

Though I've never tried Thai massage, I have come across a few establishments back in Calgary offering it, and continued walking along with a smirk on my face, as I couldn't help but think that Thai massage results in a happy ending, or involves the strategic use of ping pong balls and other inanimate objects frequently used in the infamous Thai sex shows. I am sad to report that no, there are in fact no happy endings, nor Thai sex show inspired firing of objects across the room!

Thai massage parlours abound in Chiang Mai, and you seemingly can't walk more than 10 feet without being bombarded with offers of a massage, and all for the bargain price of about $6 CAD for an hour! What better way to end off a long day of travel, than to have a nice, relaxing massage in Thailand? We certainly needed it, after a tiring ten-hour journey to get to Chiang Mai, via Guangzhou, China.

Like Japan, China has all sorts of stereotypes, renowned for being crowded, polluted, and with people that are ... shall we say, less than courteous and polite? Though we never did have the chance to actually see Guangzhou proper, we found the airport to be ... well ... crowded, polluted, and with people that are less than courteous and polite! It was a sharp contrast to the Japanese experience, for sure!

With its rapidly expanding economy, factories and their associated pollution dominate China, the air inside of the airport was thick with smoke, reeking of pollution, almost like being in a crowded bar full of chain smokers. Some Chinese also have a reputation for being rude, which may be an unfair stereotype, as those not used to a brusque manner may take it the wrong way.

All in all, we wanted to quickly forget our less-than-pleasant experience in China, with the help of expert hands trained in the art of Thai massage. Who doesn't love a good massage, getting pampered and rubbed with aromatic oils, having the day's frustrations soothed away? One thing is for sure - Thai massage is NOT the right way of accomplishing that!

First of all, upon arriving, we were instructed to take off our underwear and put on a different pair, "because your underwear is probably dirty!" How insulting! But even worse than that, was the fact that the underwear was only about the size of my hand, leaving us feeling like nothing more than pieces of meat, being paraded around wearing next to nothing. But we would soon find out that an uncomfortable wedgie would be the least of our worries ...

Thai massage is pure agony, something that only masochists could enjoy, and something that could only have been dreamed up in the dark, twisted mind of the Marquis de Sade. It's a bizarre combination of torture techniques, and concepts out of the WWE and mixed martial arts. Who could possibly enjoy such barbaric depravity? At least with MMA, rule makers had the decency to ban any knee or elbow strikes in the groin area. Not with Thai massage, as it's all fair game! Whoever invented Thai massage is one sick bastard!!!

Unfortunately for us, there was no referee to break up the fight when we were repeatedly tapping out, these Thai Practitioners of Pain having no regard for us and our agony, continually grinding their elbows into our backs, shoulders, calves, and thighs. As if that weren't enough, adding further insult and injury to insult and injury, we were subjected to all manner of submission moves, our bodies contorted into human pretzels, to the point of bursting veins in our heads!

Want them to try and rip your neck off with a camel clutch? They'll include it at no extra charge! Would you like torn quadriceps and compressed lower back discs? They'd be more than happy to do that to you! How about a choke hold? Why of course I'd love that, because maybe I'd end up passing out and dying, bringing an end to this torturous existence, releasing me from this unbearable pain.

It's fitting that Buddhism is the dominant religion in Thailand, because one of the core beliefs is that all life is suffering, and that an end to suffering can only be brought about by the attainment of Nirvana, something that may only be possible after death. Luckily for us, our torture ended after exactly one hour, and we didn't need to die to attain Nirvana - we found it shortly after, in the bottom of a bowl of eggplant and chicken in a Thai black bean sauce ...

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Photos

Dirty Underwear ...
... though stretchy, I really think these one-size-fits-all underwear were designed with children in mind. I felt rather violated by this pair of underwear, and filed a complaint with the local police after.

We Have a Problem ...
... seeing this steamer in the massage room, my first thought was "Ooh ... maybe they are steaming food for us to eat while we get massaged." Sadly, it was just to steam towels!

Happy Ending ...
... it wasn't all bad, as I found this local village girl waiting for me in the massage room, who was more than willing to give me a happy ending.

Believe It Or Not ...
... these little souvenirs are beautifully sculpted out of soap.

More Temples ...
... Chiang Mai has an embarrassment of riches, and you could spend the better part of a day visiting all the Wat in town.

Nagas ...
... mythical serpents, usually found guarding Thai temples.

Look of Happiness ...
... while waiting at the luggage counter - once again, our baggage got delayed, making it a perfect three for three on the past three Xmas getaways, and something like four out of the past six trips. At least we are now always prepared for this, bringing a change of clothes and some essentials on board each and every flight.

Farewell Japanese Breakfast ...
... at a surprisingly good cafe for an airport restaurant, for some ramen and finally - katsu and curry! I'm sure there are far superior versions available in the city proper, but the katsu was crispy and juicy (though a bit greasy), and the curry rich and flavourful.

Four Hours in The Homeland ...
... at Guangzhou airport, for some great soup dumplings that had a fantastically-tender wrap.

Braised Pork Ribs ...
... not bad, but nowhere near as good as the soup dumplings.

Refreshing Thai Iced Tea and Young Coconut ...
... the beauty of young coconut is that after you finish drinking the juice, you break it open and scoop out and eat the tender, almost creamy flesh.

Pork Salad ...
..., at Lemongrass, a highly-rated restaurant on Tripadvisor. First impressions were poor, as it's right smack dab in the middle of a backpacker ghetto, with not a Thai person to be seen in the restaurant, save the staff. Our fears of a terrible westernized Thai meal were allayed, however, once we sampled this salad that had a great kick, and wonderful little crunchy bits that we couldn't quite identify - hopefully they weren't bugs that had wandered into our dish!

Absolutely Delicious ...
... beef and broccoli in a heavenly peanut sauce, rich and chunky, and chicken and eggplant in a black bean sauce. Both dishes were OMG good, and I particularly enjoyed the eggplant - I bow at the feet of the Thai eggplant masters!

Best Mango Smoothie Ever ...
... Thailand is known for its abundance of tropical fruits, and we've quickly discovered that they make a mean fruit smoothie and shake.