In Football Everything is Complicated by the Presence of the Opposite Team.*

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There’s no better time to live outside the US than during the World Cup. Sure I didn’t know the rules of the sport before I lived in Colombia, but it’s great to get swept away in the local fervor. That being said, I’ve never met a country that is so, I would call it faithless, but it’s probably better described as realistic, about their chances. Koreans are distinctly lacking in false bravado and rarely make statements professing a positive outcome, much in contrast to the outlandish trash talking I’m prone to. A million people once marched on Washington to protest the generally poor way black people were being treated in America. Alas that was before my time but I finally managed to join almost a million people in the streets as that’s how many people gathered to support the Korean Red Devil national team at City Hall where the buildings sport giant screens, the soju flows like wine and women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Koreans have a rather strange tradition that I heartily disagree with. The World Cup games started here at 11pm usually. Many people show up at around 10am, 13 hours before the game is going to start, eat, drink, and ensure a good close spot to watch the game. Other people ruck up at 10:45pm right before it’s about to start. The latter decide that they can’t see very well, because they showed up late and are quite far from the screens. They immediately sit on the ground, and begin vigorously slapping the legs of the people in front of them to also sit down so they can see. These people eventually sit down and begin slapping the legs of the people in front of them. This continues until the people who showed up 13 hours before the game started have to stifle their excitement and sit on the wet ground (it was torrentially raining for two of the four games) so the ‘15 minute before the game’ people in the far back can see. This makes watching the game considerably less exciting as sitting in the rain is much less riveting than standing and cheering. Several times elderly Koreans decided to force me to respect their wishes that I sit down against my will. I’m not sure I get the logic of being ruder the less physically able to defend yourself you are. It’s the same with midgets I suppose. If you care for a more introspective, well written perspective on the World Cup as seen through expat eyes, the esteemed C Mullins has a blog that is a very entertaining read. Colin's Blog. It took us forever to figure out what the thin windowless building next to our apartment was, but we finally figured it out. The 15 story building is our garage where you park, get out, and it takes your car up in an elevator and stores it in its spot (see picture). I totally caught a 6th grader at my school Star Wars Kid'ing it up walking home. He was going through a very retarded, yet elaborate kata with a fallen branch before he noticed me cracking up. At least I didn't record it and post it on the internet. He probably killed himself anyway in this suicide loving country. Every public bathroom here has one urinal with a metal rack around it for the handicapped who have trouble standing while peeing. As I’ve never seen an actual handicapped person using one, I was recently relieving myself in the handicapped urinal when a Korean gentlemen who looked to have been afflicted with Cerebal Palsy came up and waited behind me, highlighting the fact that I was the only person in the bathroom and I was busy using the only handicapped urinal. My students taught me some commonly held superstitions here, some of which I found to be very entertaining. Whistling after dark attracts snakes. A rat will steal your body if he eats the clippings from you cutting your fingernails at night. You should cut your hair after a breakup but not before a test, as it’s somehow tied to memory. While not a superstition so much as a generally held belief, many Koreans are of the opinion that childbirth is a painless process for white westerners since our heads are much smaller than an average Korean’s (true) and apparently all western women have enormous vaginas. My flights are booked for China (Aug) and Thailand (Sept). You aren’t supposed to talk on your cell phone on the subway apparently. This is madness. One of my major complaints about living in Seoul, or any city this large really, is that getting anywhere takes a long time. The nice thing about a subway or bus is that you don’t have to really pay attention, you can sit there and read your book or watch things on whatever device you favor. ORRRRRRRRRR you can talk on the phone, it’s not like you have anything else to do. While I’m doing this sometimes older Koreans come up and tell me how amazing I am (I’m assuming since I don’t speak Korean). Although I’ve had some fun ones, most notably at Matt’s house in Peculiar, I never really liked the 4th of July that much, maybe because I’m not that patriotic. My problem with nationalism is the same problem I have with anything that creates an “us” and a “them” when we’re pretty much the same the world over. The most entertaining part of my morning most days is walking past a high school near my apartment as the doorman yells that he’s closing the gate, meaning the late kids have to go around front and register as late. This immediately provokes a stampede as all students in shouting range begin to sprint like mad to get there before he closes it. This is made more hilarious if the one midget student is part of said stampede. I’ve begun teaching kids 80’s slang like “fresh” “word up” “do the nasty” and “psyche” because you never know what words/phrases are going to come back, and I’m just bold enough as an educator to go out on a limb and guess. Speaking of psyching people out, they have people in the shopping districts here who come up to you with sample sized lotions, shampoos, etc and say “free!” Unfortunately they aren’t really free and they are just trying to get you to come in their store. I have been psyched on a motorbike many times by these devils.
Apparently a drug sniffing dog at Seoul’s main airport was so amazing they cloned him… five times.
Drug Dog. We went to Caribbean Bay, apparently the world’s largest water park, and claiming to have the world’s longest Lazy River. Perhaps the most entertaining part was seeing how Koreans’ propensity towards wearing matching clothes/shoes to indicate their coupledom extended to swimsuits. Taking lame to a whole new level. Adam and I bought some, he wears the two piece, obviously. I will say this for having a hand held shower head, my undercarriage has never been so well maintained. I’m thinking of adopting several multiethnic children in order to make culturally insensitive jokes. “Oh really, I’m a racist? MY SON is asian you son of a b!” It’s like cultural insensitivity armor.

Movie: Dear Zachary is horribly tragic but well done, Kick Ass kept me entertained.
Book: Finally finished Shantaram. It's amazing although I would recommend waiting until you visit India to really appreciate how good it is. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Solzhenitsyn is quick and excellent.
Album: Been listening to a lot of old Ghetto Boys. William Fitzsimmons "You Still Hurt Me" is good.
Video Clip: Old, but hilarious as ever.

streets ahead,
~Tyrone

You even called drilling -- safe, environmentally-friendly drilling offshore -- as raping the outer continental shelf. There -- with new technology, with tiny footprints even on land, it is safe to drill and we need to do more of that. ~ Sarah Palin to Joe Biden. Drill baby drill.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. ~ Jane Wagner

Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those. ~ 30 Rock.


* Jean Paul Sartre

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Photos

City Hall
This is at seven for an 11 o'clock game. It was madness.

Bunch of Jesses
Weak sauce sitters.

Supporting the red devils
Nothing shows spirit like doin' the T-Rex.

World Cup Crew I
James, Leslie, Awesometown, Abe, Kenny, Random, Lara and Adam up front.

World Cup Crew II
Maria, Jin, Sharon, Leslie, Random, James, and Abe up front

Abe forcing himself on a Korean man
We were forcing Koreans who were dressed in green to hold the Nigerian flag with Abe. What do you do when a 6'7'' black guy wants you to do something? You submit, a lesson I learned the hard way in prison.

Ambush
Maria getting in on the ambush action.

Loves Nigeria
She's really enjoying this.

Garage
Ours is like this, but way taller and inside a building.

Hiking Gwanaksan
I fell asleep for like an hour on this rock after hiking up.

Matching swimsuits.
I was making fun of this with my coteachers before one of them said she and her husband always wear matching swimwear.

Comments

[Yesha]

Epic
This picture is actually epic!

[Dad]

short people
You seem to have this thing about midgets, you fluked Jesus in Columbia and seems always to a midget remark in many of your blogs. Reflect!