This island is cray cray! This blog might as well be cray cray!

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"Oooooh Jeju. It is the Hawaii of Korea. Very beautiful. I went there on my honeymoon. Beaches, very nice. You will love."

Koreans love their Jeju-do, an island off the south tip of Korea. They all practically drool over it even though most of the Koreans I spoke to had either never been there or went many years ago. Yet, I've been to Hawaii and I had a sneaking suspicion that a Korean island wasn't really the equivalent. We booked a 3 day trip with Adventure Korea with an itinerary that seemed unbelievably busy. 460,000 won for flight, food, accomodation, and a bus to take us around the island. I'm not one for tours because they bring to mind overweight tourists in ugly shirts, stampeding over each other to get the money shot and then getting the hell out of there so they can get back on the bus and soak up some fake air. But not having to plan anything and just showing up at the airport appealed to my laziness. Besides, who can pass up an island? As the day grew closer I had myself imagining Tahiti times ten. Because when one gets on an airplane one expects to wind up somewhere completely different. Jeju would be nothing like Korea..or so I hoped.

Day 1. Jejuism number one: Beef Jerky!!

Jasmine, Margo, Piro, Ruben, and Phuong were my companions for this whirlwind beach endeavor. Let me explain each of them, so as to give the reader some idea to their character and to explain just how insane the friends I choose to spend my time with are. Jasmine is not someone you want to mess with because she will kick your ass, yet she is a happy indivudal with the most musical laugh I've heard in a long while. English is her second language and so she makes many errors. A personal favorite? "Yeah, this guy gave her the hymen maneuver." Poor dear that we love so, she meant that hemlich maneuver. Margo is a fairy personified. She loves jewel colors, butterflies, and hearts and she can party harder than a gangster. She is the yin to my yang. Piro is so witty that it kills me and he is always up for anything. As long as a bottle of wine is involved. One of the most generous guys I know (when it comes to wine 😊 ). Ruben is the nicest guy you'll ever meet, but don't let that fool you. Boy can cuss like a sailor when he wants to and he is a dancing king. Ruben is what keeps us all from becoming bitter foreigners with his love for every little part of life. Phuong is a sweet little peach who always makes sure to take care of everyone. She laughs after almost every sentence and she thinks we are all crazy. But she admits it, she fucking loves us, crazy and all. So these are the people I decided to travel with. Why did I tell you all this? To explain the stupid shit we would soon do..

Our tour group had about 40 foreigners. Piro and I surveyed the crowd. It had been decided that I would be spearheading the "make us friends" campaign for the trip. I do enjoy talking to strangers and I do love a good bet, which is why it was then decided that whoever made the coolest friend would be the winner of the day. Our plane tickets were all scattered so we would all be sitting by strangers. The race was on.

"The girl in the hat, did you see the girl in the hat?" said Piro.

Oh, I saw her. Fedora and all. Definitely the coolest one around. She had to be ours.

"Dude, on it. But, look at all these other people. They look like people that actually enjoy traveling. Like, I don't think they drink." I said worriedly.

Margo gave me a look. "Hannah, how can you know that? You shouldn't judge people, I'm sure they are fun."

Jasmine, Phuong, and Ruben weren't listening as they concentrated on getting caffeine into their veins.

"Okay honestly, we're the coolest group here. But we need to solidify that. ( I didn't actually say solidify, who the fuck says solidify in real life??) Let's look like we are having SO MUCH FUN" I said.

"YES, let's all laugh really loud like something is funny," Piro plotted.

"We need a code word so we all know when to laugh"

"Beef jerky!!" he exclaimed!

We all laughed, oh we laughed. People looked up from their guide books and knitting to see what the fuss was. I imagine they thought, "Hmm, what fun those guys are having. I want to be their friend! RIght! NOW!" But they were too shy..

I got on the plane and found my seat next to two blonde girls. Lauren and Megan. American and Canadian. I had this in the bag. I talked to them the whole plane ride over about Korea, home, school, and what we were expecting in Jeju. Behind me Piro tried to join in, in front of me Margo tried to escape her boring friends, and the others slept/ ignored the people around them. Fail, but it was on to the actual point of the trip. Seeing Jeju.

We got onto our bus and segregated. Hannah and Margo. The blondes. Piro and Jasmine. The dark ones. Phuong and Ruben. The not exactly white ones. We realized we were doing this throughout the trip and oh how we laughed. Isn't skin color funny? Anyways, we stopped at a food place to have the special Jeju Black Pork BBQ lunch. Piro and Margo found some Irish kindred beer drinking spirits to chat with as we all stabbed away at the pork. It was delicious but what a dangerous meal. The heat was on far too high and I kept feeling little pricks on my arm as hot oil sizzled on my skin. It was okay until one hit my eyelid! "AHHH" I screamed. I was certain I had gone blind.

"Oh my god, Ruben, RUBEN. Is my eye scarred?? WIll anyone ever love me again? Do I look like a beast? Am I okay??"

Ruben checked and told me I looked fine, most likely thinking I was an idiot. UNTIL, PZAAP oil went in his eyeball!!! I won't repeat what he said here...but you know how Ruben is. That mouth.

After lunch we headed to Udo Island. Margo had told me this was her favorite spot so I was excited. We took a ferry over and stood in the hot sun waiting for a bus to take our amoeba of a group up to a look out. We were getting antsy and wanted to rent bikes. Margo convinced us to break away from the group. Our trip leader was confused. Why would someone want to change the rules? Not very Korean. So Margo, Piro, Phuong, and I got ourselves some bikes, while Jasmine and Ruben decided to stick with the crowd. I fell in love with my bike and we are married now. Not exactly, but it was a sweet piece of machinery. We biked along the coast and it was so lovely that my heart burst. The sea was a turquoise blue and it sparkled as we zipped past it. Along the road were little beach houses and quaint food places. We came upon the beach we had wanted to go to and then changed into our bathing suits. I stood with my toes barely touching the ocean and looked around me. It sunk in that no one else was in a bathing suit. I suddenly felt really naked. Margo and Piro being the Africans that they are dove into the ice water as Phuong and I only let it go up to our knees. When I got out of the water a Korean woman approached me and grabbed my wrist. I was confused but thought she needed my help. I followed her and all of a sudden the grip on my wrist tightened and she yelled "BALI BALI". A group of about six men with cameras swarmed on me and clicked away. I was horrified and embarrassed and kept saying oh my god oh my god no no no. I got away from her and threw on Piro's shirt. I felt a bit assaulted. Luckily they went away and Phuong on I explored the coastline even farther on our bikes.

Those hours on Udo Island were some of the best on the trip. Worst hours of the trip? The weird warehouse where scraggly dogs roamed that they took us to for dinner..but more on that never.

Day 2: Jejuism number two: I'm. wearing. a. tankini.

Since we had gone to bed at about 3am and had to get up at 7am for our days activities, you can guess how we all felt. Death. on. a plate. We arrived at the horse riding place aka my own hell. Horses are scary. It's their horribly large heads. Stuff of nightmares. So I opted out and decided to drink 5 cups of coffee. Cool hat girl gave me the 411 and once I figured out the machine I couldn't stop. Phuong was appalled. We left for the Botanical Gardens and cave which were much more my scene. There were cool art exhibits throughout the pretty trees and flowers and the cave was actually massive. I had wanted some stalactites or something but it was okay. I wandered off from everyone and found some caged up Jeju dogs on display. I get so angry about animal cruelty. These dogs looked so sweet and cute and they were in a cage the size of my bed. I just wanted to hug them and take them to safety. Farther down there were some rabbits fornicating...I didn't really want to save them. They seemed content.

There was also a tea farm where we rented golf carts and raced each other down the tiny roads. Phuong and I screamed at Ruben to go faster until finally I had to take over for him. He just isn't ruthless enough. Jasmine was practically cackling in hers..girl's got a lead foot. But my allergies decided to show up and I had to get away from nature so Ruben and I escaped the pollen and drank some tea inside.

We had free time the rest of the day so after a nap, Phuong, Margo and I lay on the beach by our hotel. The water was extremely shallow for about a half a mile out. We walked out together and after much squealing I dove under the water. It was so cold that I didn't even get used to the water right away. It just kept feeling super cold. I asked Phuong about her bathing suit and she told me in her slow monotone voice, "I'm. wearing. my. tankini." Margo and I found this hilarious and repeated it the whole trip. It was then that we decided to give Phuong emotion lessons. I gave her a sentence. "I want to buy a sandwich."

"Okay Phuong, now say it like you're angry. Okay good, now sad. Now excited! Now hungry and horny! Now jealous and tired! "

She was failing so we had Margo give the examples. She was impressive. We were now in our hotel room with everyone eating kimbap. Our "dinner" that had been provided for us. Emotion lessons grew boring so I went out on the balcony with Piro. We saw that other people from our trip were out on the balcony above us and two floors below us. They were throwing kimbap at each other. I love throwing food so I joined in. Margo found us immature and told us to stop throwing food. But man, it was just too good hitting this girl in the face with kimbap repeatedly. Soon we were pouring beer down into cool hat girls mouth. Piro decided he was in love. Oh cool hat girl.

Day 3: Jejuism number three: various sexual innuendos of which I'll let you imagine.

Loveland. The day we had been waiting for. A museum of sex, sex toys, and the largest sex sculptures and statues that I know of. It's so odd to me that Korea would have a place like this because in Korea sex isn't usually talked about and anything to do with it is kept hidden away. A place where it is celebrated and put on display seemed so totally opposite of what I'd learned about Korea. Perhaps that's why Loveland is kept away on an island. The first thing you see when you walk in is a huge bronze woman pleasuring herself. A penis painted on the ground with flowers shows you the way to statues on Indian sex, American sex, and African sex that all seemed a little stereotypical. I mean the American sex guy looked like James Madison or something. A penis fountain was on our left as two boob hills grew on our right. We went into the museum where porn was playing on tv and a woman tried to sell me the most disgusting keychain ever. Margo bought some tights (or so she says) and then we all went to go pose on the giant penis ride. Ruben hid in the back in an effort to not be in any photos that his relatives in Mexico might see. I spent most of the time eating ice cream and posing with lots of genitalia. Not your usual day in Korea. Or anywhere really.

The perfect way to end an island adventure. I made more friends on the way back. Two Canadians (am I fated to be friends with only Canadians? The idea shakes me to the core) who were quite different. One who missed home extremely after only a couple months and the other who was a PE teacher and had been here a couple years. I was promised a spot in her running group if I ever move to Bundang where she lives so SCORE. If the gods could be so kind. We got off the airplane and had a group hug. Earlier we had given a toast for Ruben because his birthday had been the week before. We all said the reasons why we loved him and then took a sip of cider. Afterwards Piro gave us all thoughtful gifts that he had seen us looking at throughout the trip. I got a necklace with an exclamation mark on it which I love. Life is an exclamation mark especially with friends like those. Jeju was perfection. A nice break from our lives on the mainland. But honestly, it's no goddamn Hawaii.

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