Opposing natures

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Hey everyone,

Well, things have finally started to settle, and the routine of each week has begun to make the weeks fly by. Time during the week is split between work and home, and I go out for lunch once a week with Yongmu, one of my Korean coworkers. On the weekends, I go out one day with my South African coworker, and either meet with Christy, another of my Korean coworkers, or hang out at home. And even though I had my worries before coming here—I don't speak the language, I didn't know anyone, or hardly anything about the academy that I am working at ahead of time—I’m so glad that I pushed myself into doing this.

On the other hand, over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed how bad I am about going out on my own. While I can’t think of a time where I’ve ENJOYED going out on errands and things on my own, I’ve always had people around who were willing to keep me company on errands, or I was on campus, where I knew most people. Thinking about it now, even then it was difficult for me to convince myself to go out and do things on my own, which is kind of sad. In theory, I would love to be the kind of person who is completely comfortable doing things by themselves, but in reality, even something as menial as going to the grocery store makes me so anxious that I tend to put it off until I’m actually out of things to eat. Alternatively, when I am actually able to force myself to go out, it’s hard for me to actually enjoy myself, and I end up rushing through whatever it is I’ve set out to do, uneasy until I’m back in my apartment.

I’m not sure why I hate going out on my own so much, or when it really started, but I’m not proud of it, and I hate how much it limits me. For example, I finally went to the English learning bookstore, as well as the major bookstore at the bus terminal to buy card games for my kids and Korean textbooks for myself. I kid you not, it took me two weeks and half a day to convince myself to actually go, and once I was there I only spent about half an hour looking at the books and stationary. (Admittedly that sounds like a fairly reasonable amount of time in a bookstore, but if you’ve ever been with me to a bookstore, you know I can easily—and have before—waste over half a day in a bookstore.)

Anxiety over going out in the first place, plus the inability to strike up conversation with strangers (both from being anxious about talking to new people and a fear of being considered rude for imposing upon people) means that about a month and a half after arriving in Gwangju, I still haven’t made new friends. A bummer, because while Mpho is great, she needs to have at least one day each weekend where she doesn’t go out at all. I feel guilty for not going out and doing anything, but the guilt isn’t enough to outweigh the anxiety of going out alone, so I’m stuck in this lose-lose situation where I spend the day at home feeling guilty the whole day. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone; it’s not a fun time.

As of right now, I’m still trying to figure out how to get over the anxiety anchoring me at home. Logically, I know that the risk of approaching people is worth the embarrassment or awkwardness of the whole situation, but actually doing it is the difficult part. I’m always a bit jealous when I see extroverted people interacting with strangers completely organically and at ease; it seems so easy for them, while I’m over here struggling to even leave my apartment, much less actually talk to people.

For now, I will probably keep going as I have been; going out with my coworkers, and working up the courage/motivation/etc. to go out by myself. If you have any suggestions, I’d love to hear them! Anyways, that’s all I have for now.

Until next time!

PS. This is not to say that I’m not enjoying myself here. I do like the people I know so far, and have fun hanging out with them! I don’t completely hide myself away in my apartment all the time, so don’t worry!

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Photos

Gwangju at night
I went to the nearby mountain, 無等山 (I'm not sure what the Korean name is, I just remember what the Chinese characters on the name stone were, haha), with Christy and her boyfriend last weekend, and we got a nice view of the city.

Halloween
So Mpho dressed up with me on Monday, but I was the only teacher who actually wore any sort of costume for Halloween... Shoutout to Mpho for the makeup, though.

Comments

[Terry May]

This Will Get You Out and About
Hi Katie, A very introspective blog this week. Since I've known you all your life, I can say you are a very amiable person - so I'm not the least concerned - 'this too shall pass' and other trite sayings come to mind. But here, I DO have a suggestion for you. Invite some foreign visitors to spend a week with you - take them to the grocery store, the laundromat, go shopping and to restaurants, etc. Pick some Americans (they're totally ignorant of 'foreign stuff') - pick Liberals, maybe even from Boulder, to counter balance Trump being there. Judy tells me your parents aren't available to go to Rio tonight - I wonder what they're up to? Anyway, your posts are the greatest - looking forward to the next one, Terry

[katiekate]

Re: This Will Get You Out and About
Hi Terry, thanks for the suggestion, haha. It's been great having them here so far, and we've gotten out quite a bit already, although I do have to work in the afternoons/evenings. But having them here has definitely made me more aware of the (lack of) late-night restaurants in my neighborhood!