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Published: April 28th 2011
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"teacher...chincha..??"
on my way to totally losing it There is an OUTRAGEOUS flaw in the TEFL 100 hours course. Sure, it teaches you grammar, classroom management, and lesson planning but there is virtually NOTHING about being a game show host. Not one word on how to find the best videos on youtube. Naught a clue on what the cheapest candy that will still get your students excited is. You know, the important things that ACTUALLY pertain to real life as a teacher in Korea. I sure could have used a brochure entitled "things to keep your brain from melting when you are deskwarming." And there would be one word: Facebook. English teachers in Korea do impart knowledge, but a lot of the time we are highly esteemed babysitters who have to keep the kids entertained with bright colors, candy, stickers, and personally, exciting outfits. It's a sad existence when you pull on a pair of heart patterned tights and smile to yourself thinking "Oh, the kids are gonna LOVE this." But it's the little things that keep us from going totally mad out here in Asia. I've decided to keep a record of the weird things I do to entertain myself when I start to feel like a monkey that was hired to dance for the children.
I am a one woman spelling bee. Go ahead students, ask me a word. ANY WORD. I'll gladly spell it for you! Man, I might even spell out a whole sentence for you. Let's spend the WHOLE CLASS having me spell words that you don't know. A student asked me (for the millionth time) how to spell the word delicious. D-E-L-(I suddenly realized this girl would write whatever I said)ummm-K-O-T-S-H-W-N. I held back a giggle. OH, I was so naughty! "Teacher..?", she asked with a worried look on her face. "Oh, okay D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S." I spent the rest of the class spelling words wrong to students. So someday if you find that many Korean teenage girls are writing "The soup was delkotshwn", you know who to thank.
My little banshees WILL scream to high heavens if they see or hear the crinkle of plastic wrapped candies in my bag, "TTTEACCCHHHERR CANNNNDDYYYY". The battle cry that never ends. I always say no. The only way they get candy is if they answer a question correctly or win a game but they seem to think they can sway me by complimenting my jewelery. "Oh, teacher. Bracelet. Good. Give me candy." Nice argument Black Smile (as she calls herself) but again, no. This game is tiring and makes me feel like the bad guy so now after acting very mad and saying no I'll act as though I am walking away and then throw candy over my shoulder towards the mass of sugar starved beasts. Screams, shrieks, and bodies hitting the floor. It's just beautiful.
I'm not sure if you guys know this, but I am a very beautiful fashionista with yellow hair. This is according to my students who shower me with compliments all day. It varies, but it's usually around the realm of "Oh teacher, style good!" or "Teacher, earrings! How much? Cute!" or "Teacher, eyes. So big. Blue!". I'm not going to lie. It's awesome. Who wouldn't like hearing how attractive and stylish they are? But, it gets boring. To the point where I just say "mmmhmmm" in response nowadays. So to up the ante and keep myself more engaged I've decided to respond in agreement with everything they say. "Teacher, beautiful!!" to which I say "I know" or "On a scale of 1 to 10, how beautiful?" or "Of course I am. Gorgeous right?" This confuses them and I gotta say, I love them confused.
Most teachers have a CD that goes with the book they teach out of. I do listening exercises with my students and the voices of the characters are frightening.
"Hey Jinho, will you come to my birthday party."
"Okay Minsu, what time?"
In your head, you might be imagining young children's voices but no. Instead you get a 40 year old robot and a mouse who magically received the powers of human speech. My students will mimic the voices and I have to try and get them to "respect" the English or something but most of the time when I repeat the sentences for them I do my own voices and enter the delusion that I am performing a play. I like to adapt a burly man's voice and a ditzy valley girl's whine. Crowd pleasers. Might be time to crack down on that though because now when I enter a classroom, I find myself straightening my clothes and muttering "show time".
I have had 4 straight hours of free time today at work. I have my books around me, open to various pages, and a pencil laying on a page with a half written lesson plan. I look diligent and yet here I am writing this sorry blog. Just another way I keep myself away from the Maxim or "Crac-xim" coffee and the brink of insanity. Feel free to share with me the ways you keep yourself entertained because god knows I could use them.
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