2 Weeks Diving In Malapascua

---

It took me longer to find and navigate myself from terrminal 5 to terminal 3 than it took to fly from Edinburgh to London. Every shop was shut , spent an hour trying to sleep on the floor , kept waking up cold and paranoid someone would steal my luggage.

Few characters kicking around. Most notably a man of asian persuasion who's neck looked like it was a spring. He wondered up and down his head bobbing backwards and forwards like a jack in the box with his mouth wide open like some sort of human fly catcher.

Strange

Sat in Costa for a while and read half of one of my books about Bear Grylls ascent of Mt Everest. Was about to go to the "Multi Religon Prayer Room so I could get a sleep when I seen the dodgy fly catcher man , he caught me staring at him and started saying stuff to me ,I just kept my earphones in and kept reading. Seen him go into the prayer room so I abandoned the idea of going in there for a sleep.

I decided to retreat to a disabled toilet so I knew my luggage would be safe, felt bad and left after a while incase there was someone who actually needed to use the toilet and I had selfishly set up camp inside.

Went to freshen up in the toilets, there was a guy in there with his top off who seemed to be more monkey than human. If I was a vet I would have described him as having a beautiful coat of fur.

Listened to a Ricky Gervais podcast "Ricky Gervais Guide to Natural History", where Karl Pilkington describes the animal that he would be if you could combine different animals. His was the body of an armadillo , the head of an owl and no legs...but the slime of a slug. Worth a listen. Still 5 hours till the flight.





London to Malapascua

The flight to Singapore with Singapore Airlines went quite well , once seated we were handed steaming hot towels... nobody knew what to do with these , some people washed there hands and some others just held it bewildered as to what to do. I nervously looked round and then put it on my face. It was nice.
I watched 21 Jump Street and then fell asleep for a few hours. Definately the best airline I've ever flew with food was really good. However the 3 or 4 screaming babys were a nightmare. Talk to the child make it be quiet or strap the dummy to the mouth to give the rest of us peace!

On arrival at Singapore I was bursting for the toilet and the nearest one I found had a sign saying "Beware of squatting pan step"
This toilet was no more than a hole in the ground , luckily there was two western toilets next to it. But who would chose tosquat and take aim over a simple seat?

The flight into Cebu went quickly , hundreads of beautiful islands and sandbars could be seen from the Plane. The 3 hour drive from Cebu to Malapascua
was a real eye opener. Never have I seen so many people crammed into so little space. From tin sheds on the shore line to Jo's radiator shack
there was much to see. It was like driving through a market only these were peoples houses and buisnesses. The driving has been the scariest I've ever seen. There are no laws. They simply beep the horn to tell people to move over and then
overtake. There were alot of jeepneys and bikes with sidecarts , one of which had a fridge and 5 people strapped into it. Most family motorbikes with sidecarts would on occasion be holding upto 7 people.

Never seen so many children in my life and not a single old person. Do the old people look really young or are there any old people. The must be proper horny though.

Also seen tethered goats and chickens. They must be frustrated!

After a quick boat ride over we were on the island and settled in , had a few beers then went to bed. Next day we were picked
up by motorbike and squeezed 3 people on it. After the diving we came back and got drunk, The local people call me Chris but it sounds more like "Crease". Happy hour is between 4-7. I'm not sure if this is because every night at 5pm the place gets bombarded with flying beetles. Which I hate! But the local bar staff catch them and throw them at eachothers feet like a pack of bangers we would buy back home.

Beers are around 80p andits cheaper to get a triple rum than it is a single or double.
Me and 3 others got invited to go with the locals to the disco , however after having flashbacks of last time Crease went away with the local
islanders and almost missed my flight to luckily be brought back on a horse , I made the wise choice that it was too early in the holidayfor such madness.

Our wake up was at 04:00 the next morning and having only got in a 01:00 we were still tired and very much still drunk. The dive was to
a sunken island called "Monad Shoal" where Thresher Sharks and Mantas come up from the deep. I never seen anything except a shadow which
I concluded was probably just the drink. The next two dives were on an Island called Gato. We seen White Tip Reef Sharks , Cuttlefish and lots
of small fish. Whilst trying to take a picture of a sea slug I accidently kneeled on a sea urchin , impaling my knee with one of its spines. Stupid Slug!
It then starting creeping about ready to get me again but I swam away. Also Swam through a cave which went right under the island seen a shark upon exiting the cave.

Been pretty sunburnt already , however so far so good! Just back from the first dive of the day. Seen a sea snake. Doing a night dive tonight so that should be good as its when everything comes out to hunt! Theres also the local sport of cock fighting today so might go see what thats about since theres not a William Hills for a few thousand miles.

Covered in fish sperm.

Went on a night dive a few days ago. I had never done one of these before so I was unsure what to expect. The plan was to dive down and watch for the Mandarin Fish to come out and mate. 5 minutes after the descent I seen the first one and for the next 40 minutes everyone tried to get a picture of them in between the coral. I got annoyed after 10 minutes of trying and only getting pictures of coral as they darted away. Each time I checked my camera to see if I had got a photo of the fish whilst they mated and then the ejaculate would be left floating upwards towards me in the water. The locals told me it makes a nice conditioner though. After 40 minutes of gettign annoyed it became pitch black and everything came out to hunt. I would shine my torch on fish who would then dart away ASAP as it made them an easy target being illuminated. Got some good pictures of Sea Horses.

The next day I was up at 04:00 to go and hopefully third time lucky catch a glimpse of the ellusive Thresher Shark which is the main attraction in Malapascua. Whilst I've been here I've also sat a course on diving with enriched air which would increase the time I could spend at depth. So it was just me and the instructor that went down to 30m and luckily 10 minutes in one came over the top of us , shadowing us as it swam over us in the light. Got a good video but the internet here isnt good enough to upload it.

Island life has been pretty good had a few tropical storms which have left me drenched and cold but the good thing is the sea is really warm. I've took colder baths. Now all the fellow divers call me "Crease" aswell because they find it hilarious that the locals do. Got my own fanclub at one bar who the girls always stare tentively at my glass just waiting to see when I need another beer.

Went back out diving at 04:00 again today , visibility wasn't the best but seen a few more Thresher Sharks. We then went to an island called Callangaman , which is a stunning island! Whilst diving I got stung in the face which then caused my whole face to burn violently. The only thought I had on that dive was the degrading feeling that when I surface I'm going to have to let someone get there member out and urinate all over my face. So panicked by this I used most my air in a short space of time. Not wanting the group to surface early I kept diving unitll the last few moments. Boat left without someone today. All my shorts are stinking of wetsuit so have been sent away to get cleaned which left me with a pair of short short baywatch shorts for today. Ones which I bought thinking I would be in great shape to wear them. Too optimistic lol.

Foods really good here , people are so friendly and happy. Beggining to ask myself why I work in Scotland.

Live the dream

Now got a 7 hour wait at heathrow before I fly home! Had such a good time. Somethings that happened...

I had always assumed that traditional fishing methods would include a stick some fishing line and bait. I was correct about the stick, however the big difference was. It was sticks of dynamite ! First time we encountered this was pulling upto a divesite and there was already a small boat sitting in the area with the people on it looking rather dodgy. 40 minutes into the dive there was an almighty bang. Immediately I checked my pressure gauge as it sounded like my tank had exploded. Looking around seeing everyone else was ok it was only untill we got to the surface we were informed of what it was. The next time this happened was on a wreck named Tapilon , which was an unknown japanese ship sank during WW2. Before we dived in we were briefed "If you hear a loud bang don't worry its just dynamite but its far enough away". The wreck sat at 30m which only allowed 30minutes of bottum time to explore. Bullets , bomb shells and human bones could be seen on this site. On the ascent there was another loud bang. Don't think I will ever get used to the sound of dynamite without shitting myself.

Another wreck we dived was the Dona Marylin which was a ferry that sank en route to Manilla during a cyclone. The incredible size of the vessel just shows how bad the storm must have been and the terror the 200 onboard that lost there lives would have felt. Ascending from this wreck I experienced the strongest current I've ever felt. Emerging from the sheltered side of the ship was like jumping onto a full speed treadmill and being flung away. Hanging onto the anchor line for dear life was a new, but fun experience.

Hired out a pedal boat and tried to go round the island , got as far as the pub , went ashore got some beers for the return back. On the way back we seemed to be going much slower. After discovering a nut lying on the floor my pedal then fell off. Oblivious to me I had not been contributing to any of the pedalling power. For a brief moment I could see us having to get towed embarassingly back to shore, as by this point I was pretty drunk but I managed to fix the pedal and get back to shore after what felt like a 2 hour spinning class.

Played table football with the local bar girls, pretty sure that the person on "our team" was working for them as each time I ended up having to either run naked into the sea at night. Avoiding urchins and anything else lying in wake to get me. Or having to pay them whatever pesos I bet! Each time we would be winning easilly and then get beat.

Another site we dived the current was also very strong. I was at the front and was unsure whether to go with the current of fight back against it. Finning like mad I wasn't getting anywhere and eventually just like it take me down a gully getting chucked about like I was inside a washing machine. Occasionally I would be slammed into rocks and coral. My biggest fear was slamming into an urchin. I managed to miraculously avoid this , however others didn't fair the same. Still good fun though just found it impossible to get a picture of anything!

On leaving the island of Malapascua our boat which had the structural integrity of a toothpick crossed right infront of an oncoming tanker. Madness lol

Also seen the biggest spider I've ever seen!

Sitting at Heathrow bored trying to pass some time. Mosquito bites shouldn't be so enjoyable too scratch. One of the best experiences of my life met some amazing people, will get the pictures up when I get home

---