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Published: January 26th 2016
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It's not that I haven't been doing anything or traveling - on the contrary, I've been all over the place these past 8 months. The problem is instead that I have hit a point in my time abroad, the phase I once found called the "dissonance" phase, and for those at this phase, there are two possible trajectories: assimilation or departure. Either the person assimilates completely and assumes the societal values and norms, or they do not, unable to merge their own beliefs and moral code with that of the new culture.
It's not much of a secret which path I will take. Japan, as an experience, has changed me more in the past 4 years than almost anything else in my life has changed me. It's not bad - it's amazing. I have grown and evolved as a person; I've been braver than I ever thought I could be, and I've experienced something that few people really get to do, life in a culture so incredibly foreign to your own. I've made friendships here that are stronger and more supportive than any others in my life. I've opened myself up to so much, and I've been privileged enough to
have touched so many other lives in lasting ways. I am so very grateful for Japan and my life here, but the rose-colored glasses are off, and I know that I will never assimilate here. There is too much at odds with things and feelings and traits that I hold dear and important for me to be a part of this society; Japan has never stopped reminding me, all these past 4 years, how much I don't belong here. How I am not Japanese. How I will
never be Japanese.
I spent the last year furious all the time, filled with loathing and rage - everything was terrible. Japan lost all its luster and became a prison instead. But after a year, knowing that I have a few years here left, I think it's time to make my peace with Japan. Parts of Japan are beautiful and lovely and wonderful, and that's great. Parts of Japan are absolutely horrid and terrible, and that's okay, too. I am trying to accept the things I can't change, and appreciate the things I do like. If I am going to be here for two more years, I need to make sure I'm
not constantly angry. That's really no way to live.
Part of this peace has come from the fact that my boyfriend and I have finally moved in together. I see him all the time now, instead of fighting for whatever scraps of time the work culture here allowed us. We have an exit plan for getting to America by (hopefully) 2018. We are preparing for the long process of getting him a green card after we get married, and our life has a plan - we have a plan
together. No matter how I feel about Japan, I can never fully hate this country, because it's given me the most important part of my life, and, as stupidly sappy as this sounds, my other half. My
better half. He challenges me to be a better person every day. And every day, he fills my time with laughter and love. I couldn't have asked for anything more than this amazing gift I've been given, and I have Japan to thank for that.
So while I'm struggling to find the good some days in this country I know I have to stay in (for a few more years), at least
there are still more places to travel to. My Christmas present from my boyfriend was a night at a mountainside ryokan (Japanese inn) onsen (hot spring bath) in Nikko. We traveled up last weekend and got to experience one of my top 3 moments in this country: sitting in an open-air private onsen, nestled on a mountain and next to a river, looking up at the full moon and the ice-covered trees while the snow gently fell around us. I can't capture in photos what this night was, but there are some great photos of the beautiful winter scenery.
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