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Lunch with a view
Marinated tuna in banana leafFear, and our approach and response to it, is a funny thing. We all experience fear as a natural human emotion and instinct; it is an inbuilt survival mechanism to help us avoid danger. But what we fear, our reasons and responses and the impact this has on our lives varies greatly. I began this blog talking about mental health and so I shall continue through the medium of my ventures.
I have recently come to understand that I suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is one of the most common mental health problems in the UK and comes in many forms; generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks and phobias to name the big hitters.Now let's face it, I have it easy in life. Compared to others across the globe and throughout history I am utterly privileged; a female born into a loving and supportive family within a country and culture that grants me equal opportunities to men. I have
been able to gain qualifications and the career of my choice to provide me with stability and options, including how I spend my leisure time and where in the world I wish to visit. Underpinning all of this is my strong self esteem fostered by my upbringing, surrounding culture and the opportunities these provided. This realisation is particularly stark to me when I wander around Indonesian villages and compare my situation to those who dwell and toil where I roam and play. This evening I asked my snorkeling trip guide why he called his business Captain Coconut. He told me his 'funny story', that years ago before tourism came he stole a coconut from a tree because he was hungry, he had no food, no rice. But the owner saw him and was angry; he was scared so stayed in the tree for two or more hours before jumping out and running away as fast as he could. From that day he was nicknamed Captain Coconut. Behind this comical tale is a harsh reality.
Yet, as the saying goes,
ARGH!
I stopped to photograph the rubbish dump and came across this beast. To my horror we discovered there were tens to hundreds of them in the bushes and above in enormous webs like a scene out of a horror film. 'everyone has issues', even privileged people. Mental health cuts across all cultures, nationalities, genders, ethnicities and israrely clearly visible. My adventures this week have left me pondering the dynamics of fear, risk and anxiety within a context of beauty, peace, exhilaration and enjoyment.
A short boat trip from southern mainland Bali brings you to three beautiful islands; Nusa Lembongan, the middling sized main event, the tiny gem of Nusa Ceningan and the largest but infrequently visited Nusa Penida. Nusa Lembongan is a sleepy little place. Narrow partly surfaced, pothole filled roads and dirt tracks connect the recent and growing economy of guesthouses, warnungs, bars and restaurants catering to visitors seeking relaxation and play. Sunsoaked, lush with palms, banana trees and mangrove forest and surrounded by coral lined ocean with menacing surf breaks, the entice of Lembognan is evident. It is an island of contrasts; majestic Hindu templesand comfortable, brick built guesthouses hosting plunge pools and lounge chairs contrast with
the wooden and weave shacks the local people call home. This little island has a lot to offer; by day the menu includes scuba diving, snorkeling, surfing, stand up paddle boarding, cycling, scootering, swimming, yoga classes, walking and, if it suits you, plain old relaxing. As you rest and play local people unload wares and building materials from boats, harvest seaweed from the shoreline farms, attempt to rent you a motorbike or sell you a bracelet or simply smile and wish you good day. By night you can dine on marinated fish steamed in a banana leaf, prawn curry and grilled fish amongst an array of other tasty dishes, sipping fresh juice or expensive cheap wine. Then, just as you're warming up to a fun night out it all stops. Protecting their home, the people of Nusa Lembognan successfully hold at arms length the party culture that plagues other tropical islands, disappointing those looking to drink and dance. As backpackers seek anywhere still serving after 10.30pm, cicardas chirp, dogs rest, cockerels crow and moonlit waves lap onto the beach backed by the distant and lulled roar of their counterparts colliding with the sharp offshore reefs.<br style="color: font-family: arial, sans-serif;
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The welcoming local hospitality is matched by a friendly and inclusive traveller vibe, within which backpackers and holiday makers alike join together. I spent my time here with Mr Gregory and Mr Dimitri (slightly adapted names at their request), two fun, friendly and genuine German men who adopted me on my first night when I sat down to dinealone. Together we surfed, snorkelled, dived, explored the island by scooter and bicycle, ate, drank, socialised and burned the candle at both ends, retreating to the beach with a bottle of wine when all other options went to bed. Each day we rose at or before 7am to start all over again; in my case hastily eating a banana and pineapple pancake withhoney before dashing off to the activiy of the day. We met and befriended Canadians, Australians, Brits, Germans, Swiss, Americans and others alike, some who I will see again later on my trip. <br
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So where in this idyllic context does fear, risk and anxiety come in? Well, what terrifies one person can attract, thrill or relax another. You may have noticed that I don't shy aware from risks. I am out here alone and I love to tackle and frolic on nature's playground. Surfing, scuba diving and skiing are on my list of hobbies. They have invited me to confront fear and learn how to conquer it; to acknowledge and respect the risk of unpleasant consequences, at worst potential injury and death and translate this into learning skills to play safely; understanding that if you don't believe you can then you set yourself up to fail, embracing the learning experience and relishing the thrill of a successful ride and the achievement this holds. For me, travelling brings a new approach to risk; in short, I take more. It's not just that I'm away from home and in a different mindset, it's my adaptation to local culture. Experience has taught me that when arriving in a new place you may observe something and think 'I will never do that', but very shortly you
can come to learn that by shying away from local ways you limit yourself to a smaller and more distanced experience. I went through this in Vietnam in relation to motorbike taxis, and for this reason did not hesitate in jumping onto the back of a local's motorbike on my first night in Bali. I did however draw the line at being the passenger of another traveller or riding one myself...or so I thought. The day after voluntarily promising my parents I would not do this, I retracted the pledge, realising that I would limit myself to a small area of the island and deny myself the experience here of travelling around the 'normal' way. I opted for riding behind Mr Gregory and with Mr Dimitri we toured the island (bucking the trend by hiring helmets, acknowledging the risks). I adore riding on the back of motorbikes in this part of the world; the wind in your face and joy of the ride as your explore roads and tracks, finding panoramic views and quiet coves, passing by local people going about their business of selling wares, cutting grass, carrying steel on a motorbike, tending to cows and chickens, laying spiritual
offerings...drinking in the discovery whilst reveling in the freedom and the thrill. I can compare this to a recent morning when I sat at the bow of a small motorboat as we rode the swells of a rough sea; wind and rain in my face as we surged up and down, whizzing through majestic and powerful waves past sea eaten cliffs battered by whitewash; I felt so alive, thrilled, fulfilled, grateful and at peace.<br style="color: font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; line-height: normal;" /
So what, you may ask, am I afraid of? What makes me anxious, stressed and fearful? Nothing quite so obvious, not the risks one can seek but the everyday mundane; going to bed at night and my fear and anxiety that I will not sleep. You don't need to know this. I could instead tell you about our cycling adventure around the islands, the scores of almost hand sized black spiders we encountered hanging from the trees and electricity wires that we had to cycle beneath ducking our heads just in case. Why would I expose myself so when I can appear brave and more
'normal'? I tell you this because of the overwhelmingly warm, welcoming and positive response to my first blog post; the thanks that I received for my choice and courage to talk about my mental health difficulties and for those of you replied to tell me of your own experiences, difficulties, struggles and achievements, which you do not feel able to talk about more widely. The most poignant comment for me was from a friend who thanked me for 'writing so eloquently about a subject that needs talking about, for those of us that don't have the words'. For these reasons my tale goes on...
I have learnt that I need a lot of sleep. This in itself is ok, but unfortunately sleep is not a strong point of mine, especially being a very light sleeper. Fourteen years of difficulties with sleep and resultant chronic fatigues, have generated anxieties and misguided beliefs around sleep and going to bed at night. What is a normal, easy and relaxing process for most people has become a difficult and at times lonely and
scary thing for me. Yet one that I cannot avoid; I could choose not to climb a tall building or walk on a cliff edge but we all need sleep. This is a double edged sword. Anxiety and phobias are best reduced or removed through confronting the source whilst avoidance and over focusing only builds anxiety. Yet the very fact that I do have engage with this every night to varying degrees of experience, relaxation/anxiety and success has been the reason for its prolonged impact on my life. Chronic fatigue, periods of insomnia, obsessive compulsive behaviour around sleep and ensuing relationship breakdowns have in turn generated increased fixation on the problem and greater anxiety.
Anxiety is often irrational and those of us who suffer usually know this, but it doesn't mean we can switch it off and make it stop. Don't you think we would if we could? It is however treatable, though not necessarily curable. If you're interested, take a look at this account of key things to remember if you love a person with anxiety, it struck a chord with me:http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-you-love-person-with-anxiety.html<br style="color: font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size:
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So what is my point in all of this? Well firstly to share for the reasons I have explained, but also to reassure. I have a long way togo, the journey I am on is not just about travelling. Every night here I confront my personal fears and anxieties, just as during the day I confront waves, underwater currents, spiders and new risks. The path I am walking involves treatment, therapy and a new approach to my life, the choices I make and the actions I take. This journey with continue long beyond my explorations of Indonesia. Do I know where the journey will take me and where it will end? Of course not. Am I nervous and afraid of what might be, what I might 'fail' to achieve and the future consequences. Absolutely. But know this, every day out here is a joyous reminder of how incredible and beautiful the world is; what a gift and opportunity life is; how much it has to offer, the beauty and kindness of the people in it
and what remains to be explored. It is also an affirmation of how privileged I am within this world, the personal strength that I hold, and what I can contribute. Bali has been taking its toll on my body, I am battered and bruised from surfing; bitten by mosquitoes; sun burnt; have cuts, blisters and pimples; self imposed bags under my eyes from too much fun and not enough rest; but my soul is thriving, I am happy and I have never felt more alive. For anyone struggling with their health or with personal difficulty, please find the strength to hang in there, don't doubt your own worth and strength and never give up faith in what a new adventure can bring.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." Pena Chodron
So what next? I travel to Ubud, Bali's cultural heart, where I shall switch watersports for yoga, meditation, exploring art galleries, wandering streets, frequenting cafes, rejuvenating in a spa and strolling through the surrounding paddy fields. It offers the invitation of rest, relaxation and revival for both body and mind, which I
The eggs have arrived
Most things have to be shipped to the island shall be embracing.
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Alan Jones
non-member comment
Risks and worries
Great blog entry Lauren. Really well written and inspirational the way in which you use the risks of adventure and sport as an allegory for your worst fears - insomnia and anxiety. Be careful though searching for greater challenges and avoid unnecessary risks to life and limb. Have a thought for those whose fears and anxieties are about your wellbeing! X