Hampi - Boulders and Mong-ness: Special Lassi, Special Cookie, Special Jazzy

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So, after two weeks of doing bugger all (other than a lot of shopping, sunbathing and alcohol indulgence) in Go Go Goa we decided to go do bugger all somewhere else, namely Hampi.

Hampi is basically a very strange place. This strangeness was added to when we rocked up after our first 14 hour sleeper bus to be greeted by a mob of very excitable, very LOUD and very grabby touts literally fighting to get us in a tuk tuk with them. One tried to jump through the window to get matt’s attention before the bus had even stopped moving.Now when its 6am in the morning and you’ve slept on a ‘bed’ that bounces you out of it all night (Indian roads have a lot of bumps), one isn’t necessarily in the best frame of mind to deal with a hundred or so pushy touts all thrusting business cards, maps and pamphlets in your face. Dodd’s reaction summed this up when she pretty much put her hands on her head surrounded by a circle of map-thrusting touts and said “why don’t you all just FUCK OF”! It was funny that she was the one to break down first actually as Matt ended up having to share a ‘double’ bed with an old German man that smelt like the Glastonbury port-a-loos on the Sunday night. Least to say he got little sleep as, in his words, “every time I turned to face the window I got a smack of BO in the face”. Yummy. He also had the hat nicked – THE hat –the magical straw hat that is in all our Indian pics and is the first hat he has ever suited and loved. It was a bad start. But, as I said it was Dodds that snapped first.

I on the other hand was too oblivious and out of it to fully appreciate what was going on so was lackadaisically staring off into the distance when a very nice gentleman, who was neither pushy or holding a map, asked me where I was from. I advised him and he explained he had friends in England – from Leicester and his tuk tuk had a big sticker saying ‘with love from Leicester’ on it. Sold. We had to go with him now just so I could get a picture for Chrissy  Turns out the other touts who had spent ten minutes holding maps in Dodd’s face were none to impressed with this and abruptly snatched their maps back before scuttling off to find another group of half awake, unsuspecting westerners to interrogate.

So that was our strange little introduction to the place, a lot of noise and a lot of hassle. Basically the exact opposite of what the rest of Hampi is like. Like I said it’s a very strange little place. The landscape is made up of massive boulders that look like they just splayed out of a volcano and landed randomly across the countryside with bits of green growing out of them. Then there are acres and acres of rice plantations which bright green contrast beautifully and surreally against the massive brown rocks, and then the whole landscape is cut through with a massive river, again strewn with boulders and glistening in the sunlight. It’s like being on the moon, but in a really green way…if that makes any sense! The boulders just don’t make any sense. I loved it. Anyway the surrealness of the landscape seems to have a mellowing affect on the atmosphere around it as everywhere is really chilled out and once you cross the river (in a boat made for ten that is crammed with about 50) you are just presented with a smattering of guest houses consisting of bamboo huts and endless rice plantations. Everyone sort of just sits in hammocks or sits on cushions on the floor and mongs. That’s a good word to describe hampi – it’s a very mong-y place 😉

In the theme of the new found mongy-ness we decided to meet up with Sherwin and Lou and have a beer. Now, as I mentioned in Go Go Goa, when in Sherwin and Lou’s presence it’s hard to have just a beer….they can quickly excel into three, then four, then several vodkas. This would have been the case here but unfortunately none of us forward-planned the meet up enough so we ended up on the mongy side of the river and they were on the busier town side, where alcohol was prohibited. Jake Gillenhal knows how they survived there for almost a week!

Anyway, the problem with us being on different sides of the river was that the boat that ferries you across pretty much stops at 6pm – and there’s only so much beer one can consume prior to darkness. Plus they had just advised us that although our side had beer, their side had Special Lassi – a yoghurt based milkshakey thing stuffed full of luscious green weed, enough to keep you stoned for several lovely hours. Or in Lou’s case, 2 days. She said she woke up the second day feeling more stoned than the first. Perfect - we would go over to their side, get a special lassi, have a hoot and a half and then catch the 6pm boat back…..stoned….out of our faces….near water…..shit. Rethink. Seeing as the only people we’d really met were a group of 7 public school girls (who were nice enough just a bit ‘oh ja’) and a prick in tiny shorts and a vest top that kept demanding us to pick a dvd to watch and then critisizing every choice, we decided we might as well hop back on the boat and have one last night of awesomeness with our favourite Ire-chunian couple.

The next day we woke bright and early to haul ass up to the Monkey Temple before we left for ‘greener shores’ so to speak :p The Monkey Temple consisted of having to walk up 650 steps. Now, this may not sound like a lot to some of you gym geeks out there but when it’s 650 steps up a VERY steep, almost vertical mountainy thing in the midday sun with a flow of people trying to come back down the narrow staircase the other way, may Gods Arse be my witness, it was bloody hard work! I broke a sweat and everything, and I’m no Sweaty Betty! And I now you may be thinking ‘well why on earth did you do it at midday then?!’ but I swear to you we were up at 8am for exactly that reason to avoid the sun…things just seem to get in the way…like German bakery chocolate croissants for brekky (mmmmm). Still it was worth it – the view at the top was absolutely stunning – I don’t think the pictures do it justice but have a wee gander to get an idea. It was rocks and boulders littering the landscape with rice paddy fields and the glistening river carving through it all for as far as the eye can see. Truly breathtaking. Not many monkeys though- for a Monkey Temple I mean - not that I’m complaining – the things have got teeth , that’s for sure!

So Monkey Temple down, sweat patches dried up, we boated it back across the river to find some accommodation and hang out with Sherwin and Lou. After a spot of lunch and a catch up we finally decided it was time to get involved with the Special Lassi. Lou was a bit KO’d so went back for a nap and the rest of us took a stroll down to the river in search of our medicine. Within 5 minutes we were offered our poison so took a pew down at a river restaurant, funnily enough, overlooking the river, and waited with excitement for our magical drink. After hearing the effects of the stuff on Lou and knowing what a serious lightweight I am (Mike brown will confirm this), I decided to pace myself and instantly regretted it as after a good hours walk amongst the ruins I felt nothing more than a bit mellow. It was still an awesome feeling though, lethargically plodding through these ancient ruins strewn amongst massive boulders whilst the sun began to set. I felt a bit like Mr Soft on the moon….maybe I was a bit stoned…

Then on the way back me and Matt got offered a ‘Special’ cookie. Now there’s the magic words. The cookie turned out to be some sort of weird-ass cakey type thing – a bit like a fucked up chocolate muffin, but it bloody well did the trick. 10 minutes later we were giggling like demented camels. Twenty minutes later we were sprawled out on the floor of a rooftop restaurant crying HYSTERICALLY with laughter. Now I can’t really tell you what we talked about and what we laughed about for the next few hours of our lives, but I can tell you whatever it was, it was fucking hilarious! I do remember some snapshots, like trying to lift a cup of tea I’d ordered up to my mouth but struggling with it like I had a severely developed case of Spaz-hand – a recurring condition I seem to suffer from when partaking in weed based activities. That aren’t that often I might add – hence why am pants at it. The notion of bringing hand to mouth without dropping contents on lap seemed like a complete impossibility. And every time I tried to pick up the damn cup, Dodds and Matt leaned in and stared at me like two gogs a gog which instantly sent us all into another round of hysterical laughter.

After that I remember my ‘apple pie’ turning up which was basically a fried chopped up apple, but in my new found state tasted like God and then I remember getting paranoid that everyone in the restaurant was looking at us (which they were as we were being VERY LOUD) and feeling the need to hide the remains of our cookie behind a cushion incase the owners called the police – because of course they won’t look behind the cushion I was sat on.

At some point Sherwin and Lou re-appeared to find us trying not to giggle like idiots but failing miserably. Lou then spent the rest of the night taking the piss out of the idiotic state I’d managed to get myself in. Dodd’s KO’d first, then I followed not shortly behind, but every so often I would come to life for long enough to butt into the others conversation to tell them ‘my knees feel weird’. Brilliant. After ordering more food (a pizza that tasted equally as amazing as my fried apple) we finally decided to try and make it out of the restaurant. Unfortunately we hadn’t accounted for the rickety stairs on the way up which had now turned into a death trap waiting to happen. I swear I must have been on those stairs for a good fifteen minutes, precariously grabbing the rail as I tried to make one foot go down in front of the other. Apparently I managed it though and we said a very monged goodbye to our Ire-cunian couple for the last time as they were heading North and we were heading South. Sad times. I’m glad that their last impression of me was a dithering, babbling idiot that kept butting into conversations saying her knees felt funny. Still, start as you mean to go on.

So that was Hampi. Beautiful scenery, lots of monging, in every sense of the word, and lots of ridiculous laughter over nothing. What a good way to spend our last few days in India  Me and Matt were nearly tempted to buy another cookie for the bus ride to Mumbai to spice things up a bit but then remembered that people find it easier to steal from you if you are incoherent and / or comatosed. Ho hum, at least we are not complete idiots – who knew! Still I don’t think we’ve done too badly so far: one smashed ipod and 2 nights in hospital is not too shabby for 3 drama students who have little self control on alcohol and excitement levels. Let’s see what happens next…

Jasmina Asiapants, over and out.

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