Title: Blog entry for feb 12, 13, and 14th.

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12/02/2010
on the morning of the 12 i came to my wits end, i woke up and got ready for arati but was late cause of inconsistency of time, any other day prior and i would have been on time or early so i was little irritated. on my way back up from arati many devotees were conversing on the stairwell near gurudeva's room and something i heard i could not tolerate. it was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. all i could do to get relief was chant "Krishna Krishna Krishna" but due to sleep deprivation and acclimation to being around so many people and many other factors were too much and all i could do was cry.
however, due to the subject matter that set that off i came to realize i am so very soft hearted that i cannot tolerate to see any harshness or forcefulness.
vidura knocked, i dried my eyes and acted i wasn't crying but told him that i was fatigued and overtired and couldn't harmonize anything but even then i was holding back tears. at that point we take rest in the morning so we can have energy in the day.
While i was trying to rest so many thoughts coming of where i have seen or heard harshness and more tears coming. i can understand logically why harshness and conflict happening, false ego, but emotionally i cannot understand.
even though what i heard that affected me in that way that morning was intellectually understood as being in jest but gurumaharaja is saying importance in word thought and deed so how can i completely dismiss? forgiving is no problem but dismissal there is some problem. Trnad api sunicena, right? wherever possible we must try to be humble through not creating disturbance by tolerating what pushes our buttons and try to find something to give honor for to whoever or whatever we must tolerate. at least i think it's working like that.
(to those who aren't familiar with Trinad 'api sunichena it is a teaching of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu to be more humble than a blade of grass, for grass only bows down when walked on, to be more tolerant than a tree, for when a tree is being fell by someone still the tree is giving shade to them, and to give honor where honor is due.) my grandmother says Kill Them With Kindness and i think that is so much the same and my grandmother is very much a saint.
so that was the morning, at 10:30 the russian devotees invited everyone for caketime as they were departing for govardhana afternoon. they inspired me to go to govardhana for govardhana and vrndavana parikrama (parikrama is a pilgrimage to holy places) where we here some pastime about that place and the personalities involved. the rest of the morning was spent packing up to move rooms, after i was packed i had to go into kolkata to buy my train ticket. Mahananda arranged for me to be used by tirtha maharaja in the service of taking care of the 60 russian devotees flying into new delhi to join in the parikrama. my mom told tirtha maharaja to take care of me the last time i went to india and still he holds that instruction in his heart, i am indebted to him.
i got my ticket, bought a phone to use with my SIM card and went back to the temple to eat a LOT of prasadam (food offered to Lord Sri Krishna) and told of my successful ticket buying to the devotees.
i went to clean the roof and on my way the same devotee that made me cry had me laughing and smiling it's probably been that way with me and him since we were babies. just see how much the mind fluctuates, we cannot dwell on anything for this fact. to do so will only create disturbance.
i ended up doing running a handful more of errands around dum dum park for the devotees which i like to do very much, it exposes me to more bengali and gives me a chance to practice, if i can arrange some lessons in nabadwipe for bengali than for sure i will be speaking before i leave no problem!

13/02/2010

1:15 AM
i feel like my stomach is going to explode, i lay there a while hoping it will go away, no luck. diarrhea! oh no.
but it feels like something more than just that, there's a way too familiar feeling about it.
i'm supposed to be taking a train ride that's more than 24 hours leaving at 9:45 this morning? oh great this is going to be hell, the sight of a train toilet would probably make a germaphobe die from fear.
i evacuate all that i can and take a quick (cold) shower. i am weak and tired and just want to sleep, my bed is squeaky my mattress thin and my tummy rumbling, i ignore it and go back to sleep after drinking some rehydration salts. maybe i ate too much food and i'm just not used to the exotic tastes and spices yet, maybe it's from the juice i drank with vidura while in kolkata, either way first chance i get i'm taking dysentery medicine cause i know how horrible it can be to take diarrhea medicine when you have dysentery, you get better for a few days and than start leaking from both ends again… considering i only vomited while i had dysentery once or twice i'm not considering that as a symptom and just nuking whatever is the cause of my illness. i must be in good health to go on parikrama and to serve the russian devotees properly.
for some reason here i am full after eating barely anything and the lack of energy is mainly due to sleep or dehydration. i know no one wants me to lose weight but i could stand to lose some fat, i'll build weight back up in muscle on my return.
i woke again at 5:30, evacuated all i could again, i got it all out but still my stomach rumbling, not normal for diarrhea, if diarrhea than after evacuating all than relief coming, but no relief still stomach is upset.
another cold shower and than finish packing. i call tirtha maharaja and he is there by 6:30. (PS: pronunciation of names and words with TH in them like Tirtha is like Teert-Ha nothing is blended with H in languages here, the blending produces impure sound, impure sound does not exist in sanskrit, bengali and hindi i'm not sure but i think not) by than i am feeling ok. the chemist/druggist at Howrah train station opened at 9 and we left soon after getting my medicine and confirming tickets for some other devotees to one village where we took prasadam at the house of a disciple of Gurudeva, our train was delayed until 1 PM the prasadam was very nice, with paneer and delicious condiments to mix the food with.
we got the train back to howrah and boarded our train to Mathura and we were off in no time, it worked out very smoothly.
one phrase i heard a few times recently is that "we should think Krishna is Mine and I am His" this is the mood we should have while going to vrindavan tirtha maharaja said. in morning class on the 12th Kamal Krishna Prabhu was reading from what he has compiled from listening to Gurudeva and Rupa Goswami is the source of that instruction on how we should think. i think it means if we try to make krishna happy through seva (devotional service) and we succeed than he is wanting to please us so in that way I am His and He is mine. Also i am his as to be enjoyed by him however he pleases so one example is given of one bird that only drinks raindrops, never taking any water from a stream pond or lake but only taking life sustaining water from the clouds. sometimes the clouds cast lightening down to punish the bird but the bird is accepting and still holding mouth open to catch the rain, even though the clouds punish that bird it is still only taking water sustenance from the clouds. first i heard this listening to gurumaharaja audio and then morning after heard kamal say through his transcription of gurudeva audio. if we try to study gurudeva's conception than must be getting gurumaharaj's conception.
we should try to act like that bird in accordance to krishna. we should think that krishna is the only source of sustenance in life and that even though he may punish us we must tolerate accept and feel that we cannot go anywhere else for sustenance, he is the only source.
(please understand that when i say krishna i say because that is how i choose to serve, these analogies can be utilized in any and all faiths but most importantly to be humble tolerant and give honor where honor is due. to give honor where honor is due means to seek how what is honorable in someone and give them praise for that, not to think "oh he is not honorable so honor is not due to him" rather we should adjust our vision to see that which is honorable and give praise.

i was going to put this in a vlog but i think it would be too big to upload to youtube from india.

i'm traveling seperate from tirtha maharaja and the other devotees but i am fortunate to have the association of some very nice hindu gentlemen, they joke with each other like they're 20 years old but they're 30+. i don't understand word for word but i can pick up on the mood of their conversations and pick out a few words.
they've given me some opportunity to do some seva in form of Krishna Katha (speaking about krishna) if they let me i'll post one picture of them..

14/02/2010

it's morning, i'm drinking chai with my new friends, all 4 of them, they're on their way to new delhi for training, they are salesmen of medical equipment and they are to be trained in some equipment. it's quite entertaining to listen to them. anyway not much to blog about now it's only 9:30am. LATER!
nothing happened after that.

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