Safe in your woven dreams

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This week, I have been to end and back, very quickly

New sounds, new smells, new thoughts, old suppressed tastes surfacing when I don’t want them.

bile in my thoughts

5am, the ceaseless rain woke me. My first thought is of him / them / loss / hurt. Instantly, I feel the void - the inevitable gap. It does not stop me breathing.
I breath around the void whereas he has a void around his breathing.

holding onto myself.

not knowing that this time would come in such a way.
Repayment not in kind.

him, safe in his woven dreams.

He changed the locks to keep me out of something we built, created, owned.
Shutting me out for weeks before seducing a new future whilst I floundered alongside asking questions but being fed crocodile lies. Moving with invisible tatters and rags coping with new found truths, picking my way over lose stones.

I saw through his veneer, helped polish it, promoted it to be real when I always knew it was not. I knew his journey - understood before he did.

Erased memories jostle with flooding images, lies, laughter and knowledge of current schedules I no longer belong to and a dog I miss.

“You dragged the lies out of me.”

Liar (perpetual)…

Settling into my new skin, the last week’s tears drying under my nails.
Yearning to sleep as I once did but living with the heavy rain.

I scan the words to see my movement. Forward movement through each phase dented but undamaged

And then, last night, after custody-dog-day, I return the dog to find her playing house in my apartment and the final phase is endured. Acceptance.

As I walk to work, I find my heart once again back in China. I see it lying on the pavement, held together with stitches, threads, barbed wire and old lies sticking out like dirty paper. I pick it up, hold it, see the wounds already healing then I push it back deep down inside to protect it. Ready for the next time.

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