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Published: September 1st 2010
The Communism Museum
Communism is all serious. As am I. If you’ve ever wondered if there are actually 1.3 billion Chinese people, pop in for a quick visit and you’ll not only never doubt the veracity of that astronomical number, but will quickly be convinced all of them are in line in front of you. I’ve never waited in line so much in my life. Who knows what’s at the end of the line, by the time you get there you’re dead. I suspect that’s the reward, you die and Chairmen Mao’s ghost give you an eternity high five, which as everyone knows are the best high fives. It was 102 degrees when we landed, and stayed that way pretty much the whole time we were there. When you’re outdoors waiting in line for hours on end, I suggest you wait until it’s at least 102. I stepped off the plane and yelled “Konitchiwa bitches!” to immediately dispel the stereotype that crackers think all Asians look the same. I also wore my Karate Kid headband the whole time and if they got mad I just said, “China, Japan, same same.” Ignoring the overwhelming smell of urine while riding on the Shanghai subway, it’s easy to think you’re in Seoul but the
Shanghai
Me doing the Karate Kid because I'm pretty sure Mr. Mr Miyagi was from Okinawa, which I'm pretty sure is in China. feeling disappears quickly when you see the ghoulishly long fingernails on the men and all the young , well-to-do Chinese women rocking some Buckwheat in a headlock armpits. Speaking very generally, Chinese people are a little shorter, thicker, darker, and considerably more shirtless than Koreans, the latter of which delighted me no end as it’s very taboo to do anything, even jog without a shirt on here in Korea. Typically, when people are making fun of the Chinese language, they manufacture some sort of “ching chang chong” which is often vilified as at best ignorant and at worst racist, as it should be… except that it’s
exactly what it sounds like. I thought people were messing with me. Adam and I, due in to poor planning and general irresponsibility were working on a
very limited budget. Adam had about $35 US a day, half of which went to our nightly accommodation and I wasn’t much better off. This wasn’t high class accommodation by any means, and was located in what I affectionately called the Alley of Doo Doo Smell and Tears. I’m not a budget traveler for the most part. I dabble from time to time, and tend to go
cheap on hotels but also enjoy a good splurge. China forced my hand a bit, I had to budget travel the whole time and for the most part, that sucked. You know what are the worst? Uncracked pistachios. We met a group of Polish people who informed Adam that his last name meant “boney.” Must be the other side of the family. In Suzhou you can visit the “Venice of China,” and sit in little bars and cafes on the banks of the romantic canals while singing gondoliers push their boats past - all the while getting malaria, dengue, or any mosquito-borne disease really. The water’s as polluted as you’d think it would be in urban China and Adam and I crushed the town to ashes, slapping people as we rode by on rented bikes. Something I’ve found that delights not just Chinese people, but people anywhere really - when you try and give them spare change like they’re homeless when they’re not in fact homeless. The best day of the trip for me hands down was our first day at the World’s Fair (World Expo, whateva). It’s like the Disneyland of my youth that I never got to visit.*
The Pearl of Asia
This was horrifying, I immediately puked. No human should ever have this perspective. Basically every country in the world designs a building and fills it with the most awesome things on Earth. The lines were crazy long, up to 6 hours for a single exhibition. Did one of us pretend to be retarded to use the super short handicapped lines? Maybe, that’s really none of your business. I’m just kidding, we didn’t. BEEEEEEEEP. Like back in the day when I spent a whole summer at Worlds of Fun mocking all the people who didn’t understand the workings of theme parks and long lines, Adam and I dominated the World’s Fair. We brought our own food and water, were aggressive in line, screaming “no cutting bozo” to all the sneaky sneaksters and came with a plan. That many Chinese people haven’t been crushed like that since the earthquake in Qinghai. Was that insensitive? We spent 14 hours in 102 degree heat and saw 12 exhibits on the first day, no small feat. The best ones were the US (which was super inspirational concerning mankind’s ability to work together and solve its problems), Spain, the UAE, Mexico, Canada, and Thailand. The worst one hands down was Isreal, while Malasia, Estonia, and Russia were all decidedly
Chinese Baby
We got stared at a lot, especially in line. underwhelming as well. They had a mudslide in Shangxi right before we got there and the government declared a day free of entertainment. This meant that they cancelled all events such as fireworks shows or whatever, and put a government news loop on every channel for the day. Following Shanghai Adam and I went our separate ways and I headed up to Beijing to be kindly hosted by Nate (Adam’s friend from back home) and his gf Beth. My first day in Beijing I decided to hit up the Forbidden City (which had closed) and Tiananmen Square. Mao built Tiananmen Square as a monument to communism. Unfortunately it’s not much larger of an open expanse than the giant Walmart parking lot I spent many an hour pushing carts. I don’t know what it was about my face that day but the scam artists were all over me like Tyrone Biggums at the 5 o’clock free crack give-away. They basically chat you up in English, then ask if you want to grab a drink, either tea or beer, and then the place charges you several hundred dollars and splits it with the guy(s). I then went to see the Bird’s Nest
Spanish Exhibit
This Giant Robot Baby creeped me out. and Water Cube from the Beijing Olympics, which were underwhelming but interesting as monuments of prodigal government spending, especially considering the Bird’s Nest has only been used once in the post-ceding two years. The following day I returned to the Forbidden City, the scammers seemed to react to rain by melting away like witches. I got an audio guide and was entertained for a touch and hit in the face by about 9,000 umbrellas. The park behind the Forbidden City is amazing as it doesn’t seem to interest the throngs of umbrella wielding Chinese and you may have it to yourself. The view from here was amazing and although it was super rainy can be seen here:
"> The Forbidden City Following this I went to the famed Beijing Silk Market, which is a trip. Go in with a sense of humor and the realization that you are about to be preyed upon by some of the most aggressive vendors you’ve ever seen in your life and it’s actually pretty amusing. With enough walking away you can normally get the price you want though. China, like India and Korea, is fond of the squatter toilet. Using them for some reason harkens back to
the bathroom trials of my youth, although this may be because I take my pants all the way off to use them. The # of times I had my bags X-rayed in China = about 60, pretty much everytime I got on the subway, or entered any type of touristy location. # of times the guy was actually watching the screen displaying the contents of my bag = about three. The speed with which China has developed its two megacities is impressive, but, and this is largely the fault of my city-based itinerary, I wasn’t too impressed. I tend to prefer nature and general human kindness over buildings and such, and it didn’t help that I didn’t do a lot of the things I wanted to in Beijing for lack of funds and time. I do have plans on going back for a four day weekend with Maria sometime in the near future and seeing the Great Wall, riding a panda, etc. So I’ll withhold ultimate judgment, and my opinion has to be taken with a grain of salt anyways as I only saw a small part over the course of just a week.
Mexico Exhibit
His right (your left) foot is on the ground, the statues are on the wall. vacation allotted to me I took the Friday after I returned off work and went to “The Hawaii of Korea,” Jeju island with Maria for a long weekend. It was a whirlwind of minor disasters but I had a really good time in spite of it all. Korea for all its efficiency has no system in place to change your bags from one airplane to another at the Busan airport. It just doesn’t exist. I asked them if they could just take my bag from one of their planes, and throw it on another one of their planes and they looked at me like I had just asked them to ride a Pegasus to Atlantis. Thus anytime you fly through there, you have to pick up your luggage and recheck it, even if it’s between two 45 minute flights, on the same airline. “Yeah, we’ll just put it in a MAGICAL ‘Luggage Transporter’ and it’ll reappear on your connecting plane.” This caused us to miss our flight of course. Asiana Airlines if you’re curious. The plan was to go camping, but as it was torrentially raining we rented a room instead. The only sunshine of the whole weekend was on
Mexico Exhibit
They had these awesome masks, made my whole night. Saturday morning, but while it was sunny and the beautiful beach (Hyeopjae) had water that only got knee deep, they decided that the impending afternoon rain warranted closing not only our beach, but every beach on the island for the whole day. Anyways, Maria and I made the best of it, climbed a volcano (pictured) and laughed a lot, mostly at the string of events precluding our doing anything we came to do. Oh, and I lost my camera. Whatever, I had fun and I’d happily go back if the company was as good.
Jonsi - Go. Missing the mp3 player something fierce. I like to imagine it’s living in a secluded cottage somewhere with my camera.
The Expendables and The Other Guys.
Thank you Dr. Kevorkian - Vonnegut. Good and short. Le Clézio’s The Interrogation was alright.
Jeni
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Roaring River
Why all the hate for roaring river? Mark, Megan, Tegan, Dad, Donna, Sam, Zach and I are going there next weekend. Who doesn't love camping in canyons?