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A Khmer Wedding for the ages
Me, Sam, mother of the groom and sister of the groom. What an event! I’m just getting back from three weeks of home leave spending time with family and friends in Houston, Florida and New Orleans. I arrived back in Phnom Penh on exactly the day I left the U.S. a year ago. Time is such a strange concept. We divide time into these random parts that on the surface appear to be equal. There are 60 minutes in every hour and 24 hours in every day but an hour spent listening to incredible jazz in New Orleans is not the same hour as the one I spend grading student papers. This past year in my life does not have the same quality or impact as the year I spent in sixth grade. It’s hard to describe what this year has meant and I may not know fully until I come back to the U.S.
I was able to participate in so many traditions and celebrations over this past year. The King died in October and that was obviously a big deal. I attended a Khmer wedding of the son of a four star general which was an over the top. There were 800 guests at the reception and every table had a bottle
The pig and the bottle
Neither the pig nor the bottle of Chivas Regal fared so well at the wedding. of Chivas Regal, a suckling pig and heart shaped pork rinds. The pig was just one of about six courses served over the evening. I was informed that when the daughter of the general gets married her husband’s family will pay upward of $300,000. Networks and connections matter and perhaps nowhere more than here. PUC had our graduation in late January where the Prime Minister spoke. It was odd to have a commencement speaker who hardly mentioned students but promoted himself and all the great things he had done to make Cambodia a better place. I’ve seen temples and killing fields, tasted Kampot pepper and fish amok, smelled incense and lotus pedals and heard monks chanting and beggars pleading for a handout. This year I have felt alive, some days filled with gratitude and other spent longing to click my heels and go back home. Right now, one experience bubbles to the top that I want to describe.
While I’ve been here participating in so many rituals, holidays and traditions I’ve missed out on many at home. I was never as keenly aware of this as I was when my dear friend Zeke Zeliff passed away in late March.
PUC Graduation
Prime Minister Hun Sen gives campaign, I mean, commencement speech at PUC graduation. Zeke has been a huge influence in my life. We spent 10 years working together in ALF and Zeke was responsible for me getting connected with McKinsey in Asia for supplemental consulting work. Zeke and I had the chance to work one last program together last summer in Bangkok. Zeke was one of the most thoughtful and generous people I know. He and his wife Wendy met a tuk tuk driver in Phnom Penh in 2006 and they have been assisting him and his family ever since. Zeke did things like this quietly and without much fanfare but when I moved here Zeke wanted me to know Thet so Thet could be of assistance to me and help me orient to life here. I met Thet not long after I moved here and I understand why Zeke and Wendy fell in love with him and his family.
The morning I got word of Zeke’s death I felt really alone. I wanted to be with someone else who knew Zeke and share a few stories, remembering his life and how the world is a better place because of people like Zeke. The feeling of wanting to be with another person
Photo Shopped Zeke
You are dear to our hearts, no matter how you are dressed! connected to Zeke wouldn’t leave me so I called Thet and invited him to have lunch with me. When I saw Thet I knew he hadn’t received any word of Zeke’s passing. We chatted lightly for a few minutes and then I told him I had some news about our dear friend. Instantly, tears welled in his eyes and he was at loss for words. We spent a few minutes remembering Zeke and what a good person he was and Thet said he would say a prayer at his pagoda on Sunday. A light bulb went off. “Thet, why don’t we have a Buddhist funeral for Zeke at your pagoda.” Thet was delighted at the idea so I told him to arrange everything and handed him some money to make it all happen. I was going to be able to attend Zeke’s memorial service after all.
I first shared my story with Sam, my flat mate. Sam also worked with Zeke and Sam said he wanted to attend. I told Susan, my colleague at PUC and she cancelled her previous plans to go with me to Thet’s pagoda. I told my Ph.D. students that I lost a dear friend
Buddhist Funeral Ceremony
The items in front of of the monks are all the things Zeke will need for his next life, except the Earl Grey tea. and we were going to do a Buddhist funeral for him at Thet’s pagoda and they said they wanted to attend (this was on Saturday, the day before the service). They gave up their Sunday to be there for me. I was so incredibly touched by it all. When we arrived at the pagoda Thet had invited all of his friends and the monks were ready to begin the service.
The three monks sat in the front facing us. There was a large wreath with a photo of Zeke in the middle of the wreath. This photo was unusually large and aside from the face, didn’t look like Zeke at all. He was dressed in a dark blue suit with a blue tie, much more formal than I had ever seen Zeke. I couldn’t imagine where Thet would have ever obtained a picture of Zeke in such a get up. Zeke and I worked wilderness programs and while I know he could dress up in his Sunday finest, I had never seen him in such a way. The monks had me write down Zeke’s full name, his date of death and his age on a piece of paper. There
was a large washtub packed with pots and pans, clothes, rice and Coca Cola cans all wrapped in cellophane. I was told this was to accompany Zeke on his journey so he had everything he needed to go into his next life. It I didn’t tell them that Zeke was just going to pour out the Coke and that he preferred Earl Grey tea but it reminded me of Zeke’s attention to detail. Zeke was our logistics guy on the first few ALF programs and he make sure that nothing was forgotten. He’d be happy to know he was entering his next life with everything he needed save for the Earl Grey tea. After the service there must have been 100 people present for lunch, half of them being monks of all ages living at the pagoda. Thet’s wife and friends had prepared most of the food for the event. It was quite a feast and after we went to Thet’s house to spend a little time with his family.
I’d known Thet for almost a year and he has always been a very generous person. He’s one of the few drivers that doesn’t try to rip me off
The Feast for the multitudes
Ratha, Thet, Bunthet, Susan and Sam at lunch outside the pagoda. or take advantage of the fact that I’m an American, a.k.a., rich white guy. Thet is humble but sometimes his frustration with government corruption and the lack of social justice spills over and he vents. He wants a better life for his children and struggles to see how it will happen but he knows part of the key must be their education. Zeke and Wendy helped Thet to buy his home on a small property. His house is nothing more than shelter from rain and a dry place to sleep. Thet tried to have chickens but neighbors stole them. He’s hoping his trees are big enough now to provide a barrier and he built a wall between his place and the neighbors. We sat under a sun shelter eating green mangos with salt and chile and sharing stories about Zeke. Thet brought out a file folder of pictures he had of Zeke and Wendy’s various trips to Cambodia. Thet was as proud to know Zeke as I was and his family is grateful for the roof over their head, which Zeke and Wendy provided. As I looked through all the pictures of Zeke I never saw the one of him
Khmer New Year
Monks deliver a blessing at PUC to kick off Khmer New Year--April 7, 2013. in the dark blue suit and tie. I asked Thet where he got that picture of Zeke. Thet had it photo shopped. He wanted Zeke to look his best for his going away send off. I know Zeke smiled and he is happy to know that he’s loved and missed around the world. Farewell my dear friend.
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RENanDREW
Ren & Andrew
Mr Thet
I wish we could have met Thet when we were in Phnom Penh as planned - he seems like such a lovely man. Love the thinking behind the photoshop pic :)