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Published: November 12th 2012
So we'd left our english hideout for the asian landsers of wonders and blessings. Via cairo. A nice steady flight, seeming to fly by, excuse the pun. we arrived in the heady and hectic ci of Bangkok. A short taxi drive and we arrived in Song Chakram, a quick walk from the infamous and sticky, sweaty pad thai ridden streets of Koh san.
Jonny and adele arrived that eve, just after G and I had had a quick mooch, quick ale and a bite to eat. This allowed for us to go straight on the beer as they arrived, or rather we hunted them down! A few beers and some more grubs past, this is where my evening ended, as sensibly (for once) i went for a kip, feeling the booze and jet lag taking my soul...
Yes, Andy crawled to bed, a place i wish i had followed him too.. In stead i continued to drink strange liquids out of buckets. this is always fun, until the surrounding humans start to look as dicrepid as a set out of dawn of the dead.. you know then, that you should depart! I took to walking the other two home as my hazey bangkok memories flooded back on my arrival, and navigational skills overcame my wobbly legs. I walked then within 100 yards of their front door, but it seems that wasnt close enough, as the pair of them ended up farther intoxicated and waking up in a soaked bed wearing clothes that they hadnt been wearing the evening before... Bangkok truly had them now.
Jonny and adele now truly terrified of bangkok, we took to chilling in bars and watching a selection of offensive B movies in HD, which didnt improve them..
On our third evening, one of sober delights (thankgod) we came across Bang, now Bang is a casting director the worldwide hits that are, thai soap operas. A dream come true for any human, we four we chosen to star (be extras) in the oh so important 'airport scenes'
Fame clasped us with a comfortable hand, and scooted us down to a town three hours south of Bangkok for our starring debuts. We were fed, watered and covered in garments one could only describe as 30's fresh! Patent leather brogues, beige three pieces and a selection of rather dashing hats, oh and the air attendant classics, (only a barbie could look good in) were a few numbers to mention..this, along with make up and rather scarily lathered on hulk brows we were ready for action!
Lights,camera ACTION....3 words which would soundtrack our filming experiance. We shot lots and lots of sceenes, at one point a green screen dropped down and i thought there was going to be some elaborate CGI airplane crash or some other greatness. This thought was quickly washed from my mind as i viewed the "stars" acting. More plastic than an orgy in amsterdam. So my mind wandered to other things, as sitting around being an extra is a tedious trip. This was the scene for the nect 3 days. Sitting around an old airport, 36 degrees C. In a 3 peice tweed suit, desperatley grabbing the fan, iced coffee or any other relief from the chaos.
The trip started with maybe 11 of us western stars. This was more than halfed at the end of the first day as mutiny broke out! More money was demanded and in some vulgar cases, such as an American Girl who's name fortuantley evades me, Much more! she took poor old pang to the cleaners, demanding booze, ice cream and such and then once he deliverd, she still left and went back to Bangkok...The way she was acting you'd think she was cameron diaz or such. Alas, Myself, G,Jonny!Adele and a nice chap from denmark we'd met called mathias stayed, with i might add an extra 1000 bhat thrown in for good measure, not to mention a lovely hotel and all the free food...Stardom has its perks...
Stardom truly did work for us, well for two days anyhoo's. anymore and my feet would of exploded from the square toed monsters i had to parade round in! Yes after the two days we were ready to be out of the spotlight, and all with a new found respect for extras. Truly marvellous beasts. Patience, boredom retention and a boss walk are the three main skills. If you have these, i suggest you give it a whirl!
Following our taste of brad pitts work life, we were driven home. This drive was like many others out here. Fine at first, then you realise the driver has absolutely no idea where he's going and drives round in circles, braking furious and encouraging passenger bladders to wail mindlessly. We were saved though, as the twentieth passerby actually gave us reasonable dirrections and we were back on the kho san, one hundred quid up an feeling as flush as mr trump! "Ill go mad, ill have a 3£ room this evening" 😊
The next couple of days floated by in a haze of tuna salad baguetes, as i began to eat 5 meals a day to bulk up from the onslaught of andean food poisonings and wear and tear from altitude. So yeah, these were good days, muchos grub, films and maximum chilling. Also booking flights to Myanmar (burma), our first flights of the trip too, much to our dismay, the only way in to burma was by air. The same applied For exiting the swine! Alas, we booked, chilled a few more days then left. The plan was to spend Georgis birthday on the south coast beaches, taking in some rays and having a beautiful, lovely jubbly time. I was also carrying an engagement ring, which i would at some bloody lovely romantic point whip out, propose, thus ending my voyage with the ring, truely feeling Frodo Baggins' pain....
This, alas, was not to be. Myanmar was not celebrating my ageing, but having a kaffufle of extreme sorts exactly where we had planned to be.. A real shame, as we were teased with beautiful images and romantic stories of the western coasts.. We were left with the hussling streets of yangon, a bizarre place, home to some beautiful monuments and skies of calming colours, this however is clouded by deep rooted troubles and people lusting for new things, and change which is inevitable in all things 'apparently'. The people are friendly, yet unhelpful, intrigued yet clueless. We were ready to move north.
Our next stop was Mandalay, similar to Yangon in many ways. We hit the streets for some food and happy snapping. On this journey andy was overcome with visions of profit and entrepreneurial wonder, as a bar owner gave me a free water, and all he asked in return was for a snap of my Ganesha tattoo. Andy saw dollars signs glowing gold in his pupils, as to quote Withnail & I "two pound fifty a tit, and a fiver for his arse".
I on the other hand had other ideas.. To drink the water, then move on.
I still think we may have to look at the selling of Georgis body at somepoint on this trip.
Anyway, we hung for a few days but seen as we were'nt on the beaches, or anywhere nice, and with no option of somewhere nice in this country to celebrate G's birthday and as mentioned, relieve me of the burden of frodo,we left. I was ready. Cash was low, airplanes hard to book, buses frequent, but times unknown, all the other chaos that veils third world countrys with shiny travel magazines. We left mandalay. To reach the bus station we jumped on the back of a bike taxi each. Tis a shame when your favourite expeiance of a country is a bike ride down the highstreet, but anyone whose tasted burmas road system by bike will know where im at. Chaos, organised maybe,but more likely pot luck or the good karma these poor lost souls have aquired after years of burmese roads. Pot holes deep enough to launch you off in a jiffery, the noise of a dozen trumpets going off, a whole catalepticly cosmic cloud of rainbow colours rushing accross the street. Wagons having there axles changed smack bang in the middle of the road. Chickens. Dogs. Cows. Horses. All that stuff that lives on roads. Few people asleep in the gutters. Despite the obviously upsetting parts of this, the ride was great. You learn a lot about countrys from the backs of bikes.
Oh what a bike journey! Inhaling flies saved on dinner, and the nerves destroyed on viewing the oncoming traffic, and dodgy brakes you had to save you, truly put you in a mood to sleep and drown out the fears.
Whod of thought id of been so happy to mount a thirty year old coach driven by a rather tired looking myanmar man.
Luckily we made it, and boarded a plane out of Myanmar. Short but true, Andys "lets run to the hills" screams willing me on to Bangkok. Oh how happy we were to be back in the madness. Halloween in the bowels of banging backstreets awaited us, how excited i was!
My birthday was lovely. A trip to seavworld, fighting off children left and right so that my birthday face got closer to the stingrays, bull headed maori wrasse, and poison tree frogs. They didnt seem bothered that it was my birthday, but having my face squidged so close to the glass, they could be tempted by the inside of my nose!
The wonders of the deep behind us we slung our hook. "In love" was the cheesy, yet aptly named venue for G's birthday grubbage, and when i finally got shut of the ring. Bloody thing. She said yes. Iv told her that now we're to be married il request and require a sandwich from her whenever i ask. Also more sports are to be shown on the tele. Fair deal i say 😊
Yes, i must of missed that chapter on marriage slavery contract duties, however, i will happily let him watch football, outside, in a box, sandwichless.. Final offer.
Up next... The journey north to the last remaining bohemian freelands
Till then, we are going to lie down and talk about noodles.
Peace love and purity, if non of them fit, have a shit
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