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Published: March 25th 2007
I want to share with you something really incredible that happened to me last night. Bear with me here.
Over the last few months, I have filled page after page in my journal about knowing that there was a big realization coming. It rested heavily within me. I was un-balanced and I felt like there was a hole within me that needed to be filled. I desperately searched to fill that void. I asked myself every possible question and looked deeply for the answers but nothing came. I felt like a giant, apathetic blob. Everything that was happening around me, I could evaluate and know what I would have felt if I could feel anything. I felt nothing. I knew how I should have felt in certain situations and I acted upon how I thought I should feel, but still within me, this was not enough. I wanted nothing more then to be able to sit by myself and cry for myself. I wanted a huge breakdown. One that I could actually feel what was going on inside me. I begged for signs, but nothing came clear. I contemplated giving up. I tried blaming my Malaria medication.
I tried blaming Uganda. Still, it sat like a rock in my stomach.
I chose not to go to Kitgum this weekend. Something within me told me to stay home and be by myself. I made the right choice. As I sat alone in my room last night searching for the antidote to the void within me, I stumbled across the answer. It came slowly and then like a monstrous wave it took me, engulfed me in terror, grief, anger and finally joy. The wave spit me out into the sky and then, I was flying. The sky was clear and the void was filled. I'm still flying.
Here is my realization: My 20th birthday is coming up. Every time it came up, I blocked out what was really going on with my feelings towards it. I chose to unblock that last night. As I sat there in my room, I realized that I was feeling an intense resistance to that day which is drawing nearer. The more I thought about it the more desperate I became to stop it. Although I knew it was just another day, it meant more to me. It represented the end of
Mmm. bugs for sale!
no, i did not eat them. I am practically a veg anyway.
my adolescence. I didn't want to let go of it. I was filled with fear and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, the power went out. I was sitting in the dark in Africa by myself. I wanted to run home and beg for help from the people I love. The tears began to pour down my face as I realized that I had to do this on my own. Then as my whole body felt the transformation I was going through the truth set in. Here I am in this adult body, beginning to lead the life of an adult and my soul was left behind in my adolescence. Without making the full transition I was not whole. This was the void I was feeling. Then, the power came back on. I was bathed in the light from my room once again and then and there, I re-lived my whole childhood. In a few hours I went through my whole lifetime and felt all the pain, fear and joy and love that had come with my wonderful existence. When I was through, my soul had caught up with my body. I am ready for the day
to come. I have about a month and a half left before my birthday and I am going to spend that in celebration of my childhood.
By that time, it was about three in the morning. I was wide awake. Looking around, I began to laugh. All the signs I had been looking for had been there all along. It was like these last couple of years or even my life up to date had been a string of events leading to this moment. My reason for needing to do LEAPYear became crystal clear and everything I have learned fell into place. Even the death of my Grandmother came at just the right time. When I was little and I thought about life without her, it felt like way too much for my little heart to handle. She left when my heart wasn't little any more. It makes so much sense to me.
The signs I begged for were everywhere. Especially within the people I love. In the Rite of Passage ceremony when my parents came to California, my Father spoke of how he had to make the choice when I was really young to let me make my own decisions. That he knew I was going to be O.K. He gave me a clay figure of a little girl looking at the stars that I had made as a child and said that he wanted me to have it to remind me that I always would have that joyful spirit within me and that I was meant to share that joy with the world. My boyfriend was giving me signs when he sent me a beautiful drawing containing the message "All things worth knowing are difficult to learn." My best friend sent me on my way with a small package containing things to remind me of that the simplest pleasures can be the most beautiful. My mother gave me her sign when she made me a dream catcher. Embroidered on it was the message "Something big is coming, its still secret but arriving everywhere." It hadn't fully made sense to me, until last night. Looking at it hanging above my bed, all I could do was laugh. She was so right. Everything that has happened WAS leading to that moment and it did arrive everywhere. I also gave myself a sign. I chose to go to Uganda by myself, because I knew it was the only way I could reach this point.
Instinctively, I took out my photographs of home. As I opened the album I burst into tears again. Each picture was shining beaming face welcoming me into this next stage. They all radiated a sense that they knew all along I would reach that moment. As I looked into the eyes of Steven McInerney I felt an overwhelming sense of love wash over me. I felt like I had been in a long dark tunnel and when I reached the end, I was in a warm light surrounded by the people I love. I am not alone any more. You are all in my heart.
Whew, that was a lot to put into words. I think I am going to go treat myself to a Fanta.
Anyway, last week was good. Went to a village, visited the only skate park in Uganda and did a bunch of other cool stuff that you could only do in Africa. Looking back now, I loved it. I have no idea what this coming week will bring but I am so excited for each day.
I have so much love for you all,
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