Polygamy

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After lunch, we were sitting around under a shade tree with all the women we’d spent our visit with. We began asking about sex and marriage, and although they laughed at us a lot, they answered most of our questions. I was surprised to find that most of them belonged to polygamous marriages.

Since 92% of this country is Muslim, so I should probably mention Islam’s position on polygamy. Prophet Mohammed said that a man can have up to four wives as long as he treats them equally. This makes sense, because the Quran was written in the context of war, when there was a shortage of young men. The Prophet later admonished his followers, saying they were incapable of treating their wives fairly. Feminists take this to mean men should only take one wife. Traditionalists say the Prophet is just reemphasizing the importance of equal treatment. So, basically, both advocates and opponents of polygamy use the holy text to support their views.

Anyway, back to the village. I’d like to introduce you to 5 women I talked to. Each ones story is the caption to her picture. All of these women were really nice to us; they called us their daughters.

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Photos

Kewe
Kewé, at 25, was the youngest we talked to. She has two boys, around ages 2 and 4. She lives in Dakar, in a different house from her 45-year-old co-wife. Her 50-year-old husband spends the week with Kewé and the weekend with his first wife. According to Kewé the first wife hates her and is still angry with their husband. I asked Kewé why she chose to marry a man who already had a wife. She said, “I loved him; he loved me; and God allows men to have many wives. So we got married.”

Aisatou
Aisatou is an amazing woman. She’s in her early 50’s and delivers every child born in Mbamb. She was the first woman I talked to about co-wives. She said she had two—one is in a nearby village and the other is in Kaolack. She didn’t give an opinion on the practice, but from her expression and tone, we all got the impression that she wasn’t very happy about the situation. After the funeral, we got to meet one of her co-wives. They seemed perfectly amicable, and when I asked Aisatou about the relationship, she told me they were friends. Their husband spends a few days a week at each of their homes.

Ndieme
Ndiemé, 42, has 7 children and is in a monogamous marriage. Her husband is around 50. When I asked her what she’d think of her husband marrying again, she said it would be nice but that they were getting too old. She said her husband was already supporting 7 kids and that they’re wouldn’t be enough money once the new wife had children too. We were surprised when she said she’d like a co-wife, so we asked her to explain. She told us it would be useful to have another woman in the house, because then if she wanted to spend some time in Kaolack or Dakar, she could. There’d be someone else to take care of the house. We asked, “But wouldn’t you mind sharing your husband?” She looked at us like we were a little weird, and asked, “Why would I?”
(this pic is thanks to Libby)

Miriama
Miriama, our host, doesn’t seem like a happy person. She’s big even for a Senegalese woman, and she doesn’t laugh and smile as openly as the other women. In her 50’s, she’s president of the local women’s group and is said to do a good job. She’s known as the “mother of Mbamb.” She says that sometimes men have to be with other women to realize what they already have. That’s what happened in her case. A few years ago, her husband married a younger woman. A year later, he lost his job. His younger wife left him, while Miriama stayed through the hardship. Now he knows what he’s had all along. Miriama criticized women who change their clothes and make-up to try and compete with a younger wife. They make fools out of themselves, and it never works. She also told us that a woman can’t show any disapproval of her husband if she has children. If she acts angry or hurt, then her kids will take sides and the family will fall apart. [Side note: Don’t you think it’s interesting that people in the US use this same silly reason to stay in bad marriages?] It’s better just not to say anything. Miriama feels like she’s maintained her honor and dignity by doing the best she can as a mother and wife.

Absa
Absa was our guide. She’s 55 and lives in the big city of Kaolack with her five kids. One night, after 30 years of marriage, her husband told her he would be getting married the next day. She told him, “I’m happy for you,” and then went to bed. She never expressed any displeasure and refused to gossip about her situation with her friends and coworkers. Instead, she threw herself even more into her work and raising her kids. His marriage wasn’t a financial strain because Absa is the main breadwinner, and her husband doesn’t have access to that money. From what she told us, I gather that she still cooks for her husband, sleeps with him, and discusses daily matters with him. But she’s taken her heart out of the marriage and invested it elsewhere. He seems to feel the difference. Now he tells her, “I made such a mistake.” She just ignores him and goes about her business.