Men and Women

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In Philadelphia, just before all the pink-cheeked Benin Volunteers of 2005 left for that country, a previous volunteer told us to remove the blue-tinted glasses to observe and learn about the culture we would be entering. No matter what color the tint of the shades were, the idea was that I am not to judge a culture while standing in my own. Every culture has positives and negatives, but I don’t want to compare to find which culture is “better.”
With that in mind, I write this not as objectively as I should:
To be a Beninese woman. I find it difficult to keep my house swept, my dishes clean, my dog and myself fed, my flowers watered, and my cockroaches dead, and I am only responsible for one human life. How does a woman keep a family and home in Benin? She is amazing, that’s how. And I know she is amazing because she feeds me regularly, and I see her carrying/herding freshly bathed, sweet-smelling babies and children to church. And her husband is well taken care of too. She carries her baby on her back to go to work, and is entirely professional to breast feed while working. Not only is it professional, but it is also assumed. Babies nurse throughout the day, thus babies are always with mom, end of question. Because she lives with her mother or sister or in-laws or someone who keeps the home if she is away, she can leave her older children at home.
And she makes a mean legume sauce.
Young girls have hopes and dreams for their life: they aspire to be doctors, ministers in the government, and mayors. She wants to go to school and learn as much as anyone. She wants to play soccer and basketball and handball. She wants to be the only wife of a loyal man, she wants to control how many children she has in her family, and she doesn’t want to be completely dependent on her husband.
The men. The men seem to be who I am with the most often, since it is the men who get out of the house, and in the villages it is the men who speak French, thus with whom I converse. The men I know work, and work hard, to support their family and extended family and friends (and me and my dog…just kidding. Kinda.) He concerns himself with making enough money to feed everyone, paying the school fees, and buying all those things that are necessary to enjoy life.
I respect both the men and the women of this society. I can understand that a strong social role for girls and boys to be filled as women and men helps make a society smooth and functional. As a society progresses, though, and as machines and new methods lighten physical loads and help lighten the feminine and masculine workloads, as I put on slightly tinted glasses, the rigidity of social roles should slacken.
I see women who do not challenge the role she has been taught to fill, and men who, although taking care of family and business, have a lot of fun. Is it because of my privileged American life that I can challenge women to work harder to extend their social power, and to challenge men to accept women’s capability? Whether it was my family, society, or just my personality, I grew up thinking I was capable of doing anything. I also grew up very happily and comfortably, and I think the combination of those elements give people here, and men especially, a new view of a woman. I am happy, laughing, smiling, not wanting to upset anyone, but also doing as I please. Not having fear, and being accustomed to making my own decisions when I have options, is a large part of my ability to act as I want. Luckily, I have a conscience, and the not-wanting-to-upset-others trait keeps my “wants” in check.
I, the wisest, most intelligent, and most startlingly beautiful (“startlingly” being the key word there) 22-year-old from Kansas in all of Athieme will describe, or attempt to describe, my point of view as an American Woman in Benin. (Keep in mind that mine may not be the only opinion, but I am not chasing down the other wise, intelligent, startlingly beautiful 22-year-old Kansans in Athieme to take a survey.)
In the first position, I am grateful for washing machines. I pay my washing machine 500 FCFA, but he doesn’t have a regular schedule, nor does he do underwear. I found that out by accident once. Not only because my laundry is easier to do with a machine, but men are much more likely to do their own as well.
I know that I do need to acknowledge that there are systems and traditions that I cannot bust through or ignore, so I now wear skirts, well, pagnes, as often if not more than capris or jeans. Other than that, I am learning to take care to not be out of the house every night and to not be alone with men too often. Still, I know I do things wrong or in a way that makes people feel awkward. I am not perfect by any cultural standard, and in some ways I probably provoke situations that incite my ultra-feminist emotions. But I do get really annoyed with men who feel they need to speak their thoughts of marriage, demand embraces, or irritatingly patronize me with sentences like,
“You’re so smart,” for knowing midnite is the beginning of the next day, or,
“You’re so pretty,” maybe I washed my hair yesterday, but this is just a t-shirt and capris; or,
“You’re so nice,” I’ll show you nice, buddy. Tell me how pretty I am again and you’ll see how nice I can be.
“You should rest, aren’t you tired?” I have worked for two hours. Unless those two hours of work were something similar to marathon training, I am pretty sure I am not tired. Are you tired? ‘Cause if you’re tired, we can stop, but I am not tired. (Just ask me in one more hour.)
And a working professional relationship does not only manifest itself in the presence of a higher authority; at any other point, a true professional relationship here is hidden by winks, smiles, patronizing lines, and boob stares. What gets me is that the guy KNOWS how to treat me as a professional, which is obvious when the third party arrives. But as soon as the third leaves, it’s back to the real issue: when can he eat at my house?
To generalize, which is rarely acceptable, the men of Benin astound me by their actions, and the women by their lack of action. I am astounded most notably because I am used to the very puritan idea of monogamy, and am not familiar with the term “involuntary polygamy.”
Involuntary polygamy is when a married man sees a woman that pleases him, they have sex, and woops! The woman is pregnant! The man is obliged to take responsibility for his child, thus becoming the “husband” of the woman. This is involuntary polygamy, because the child was not intended. Otherwise it would have just been an enjoyable evening. I was also told, in a separate conversation, that the primary concern of a married or unmarried Christian when he or she is sleeping around, is that abortion is not allowed. I thought the primary concern was that a Christian should be loyal to their partner, and be monogamous in the true sense of the word.
Even in a Christian marriage, as I was told by a man and a woman who are not married to each other, if the woman does not always make a welcome home for her husband, he is likely to eventually find another home and woman. Oh, yeah, he should probably ask himself why she is not welcoming him.
As a woman who does have the choice, I often criticize, in my thoughts, the women who seem to allow these transgressions. But, little by little, the bird builds its nest; women often do have the power of approving or disapproving the husband’s choice of side women, and polygamy is now illegal in Benin. Not that I have a problem against polygamy directly; from what I see, where there is not as much money there is not as much “polygamy.”
I present my arguments, but mostly just listen. I know what I want and what will make me happy in a marriage, but to compare levels of happiness, maybe another woman and I would be the same, but from different cultures and with different ideals. In my life, I cannot accept a man who would easily become “polygamous.” I like to think that my worth as a woman continues even when I might be difficult to get along with. I demand that my husband respect and trust me as much as I will him, and if he or I become upset with the other or with anything, the other will only want to know how to make it better and not go elsewhere to find a little love. We will both work equally hard in keeping each other happy, which will be easy because we’ll have chosen each other on the basis of our happiness.
Have I ever said that I am a little idealistic?
But that’s me. In another life, maybe all one needs is a home that is safe and clean, a sure dinner, and a child or two or three, and one is perfectly content. I also have to say that a person HAS to learn about the culture independently, without finding faults in one culture as compared to another. The men I know in Athieme may or may not fit my ideal of how a man should act, but I don’t care. They care not only for their immediate family, but also for all of those around them.
Is one system of marriage better than the other? Or is there one for you and one for me? As long as I get what I want, and you’re happy with yours, I will let it be. Maybe this system reflects the love of life even more. Make love, make life, make food, and be happy. The quality of life is not evaluated by personal standards so much as whether or not everyone has a home, has enough food to eat, and has a place in society.
Mostly, being an American woman of European descent in Benin means I get stared at a lot. Children point and appear to ask those around, “Hey, are you guys seeing what I am seeing?” sometimes so much that I have to do three or four checks to be sure my pagne didn’t fall down or if I somehow colored my face fuchsia. But maybe, hopefully, an American woman in Benin will put more faith and respect in society’s view of the average woman, and also give the average Beninese woman more respect and value for herself, with the confidence to demand the life she desires.

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Comments

[anonymous]

I got this the other day..... “You’re so smart,” for knowing midnite is the beginning of the next day, or, “You’re so pretty,” maybe I washed my hair yesterday, but this is just a t-shirt and capris; or, it drives me nuts, and feel a somewhat belittled. Definitly makes me question why am i talking to this person. Agghh!

[Nancy]

Sorry that last commet was from me:)