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Published: June 24th 2010
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“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”
I've spent these last few days having heart to hearts with my roommates and it dawned upon me that I'm confused. Never in my life have I ever not known what I want and to tell the truth, it scares the hell out of me. I go back and forth between decisions and ideas, commitments and labels. I've realized that here in Rome is NOT the place to be making major decisions about my life. I'm afraid that I'm latching onto people back home for the sake of not being homesick. It might be what's skewing my judgement. Until I get back to the states, I'm not going to think too hard about all of this because as my workload
is beginning to pile up, so will the stress and that added stress is something I don't need to deal with right now.
I'm also waiting to hear back from the BIOS Institute in Bermuda. I received an email yesterday about how results will be out by the end of the week and I messaged back asking 'results for an interview or a position?' I got a quick response that the people selected will be offered a position. I'm rather nervous as I can sell myself extremely well in an interview. On paper, not so much. There are 8 spots for the fall semester.
I went and adopted a cactus to give myself something to take care of for the remainder of the time I'm here. Ever since my bamboo plant that I promptly killed, I haven't attempted to care for any type of plant. I decided that if I kill of this, I'm never allowed to own any type of plant ever again.
On a more observant note, it hurts to see someone close to you going through the same thing that happened to you in your past. I've been trying to help out as much
as I possibly can, but for me, opening those doors and allowing entrance to my past scares me. I don't want to end up reliving my past through this situation. The past is back there for a reason and I feel that dwelling to much upon this may adversely effect me. There comes a time when you can't give anymore advice. I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of 'Live and Let Learn'. Ultimately, people need to have the experience themselves and follow their heart, even if in the outsider's point of view, it's not the right thing to do. People need to make their own mistakes and learn those lessons and this is why I feel like I need to step back from this and let nature take its course. As much as it hurts me to do so, I think that's what I'm going to do. I don't like abandoning people and I'm an extremely caring person. More so that I had initially realized. It's hard for me to 'not care'. I suppose we can call this another obstacle in my life to get over, maybe this will be a learning experience for me as well.
Oh, and Happy Birthday Neil. Still missing you. 06/24/1988 - 09/22/2005
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