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Published: November 16th 2009
Day 1:
I want to quit. There’s no way anybody should be put through this. I want to quit, I want to quit, please let me quit. 10 hours of meditation everyday? No talking, no reading, no writing, no eye contact, no yoga, no music, no humming, no whistling… this is suffering. I want to quit, this is ridiculous that we have to wake up at 4 every morning and meditate for two straight hours! Oh my Buddha, I can’t believe I have ten more days to go, please, I want to run away! Haha, this thought came up on the first day of my second hour of meditation. I had so much doubt swirling around in my head and I had nobody to boost my confidence. I was up in the mountains of Nepal with my doubts and no friends or family were around to support me through the toughest challenge of my life. And so I let my fear overcome me and I quit. I packed my bags and walked up to the guru-ji (teacher) to let him know that I wanted to leave. He listened attentively and compassionately. He was calm when he replied and he
always smiled when he replied. There was this glow on his face that slowly melted away my worries and apprehension. He told me to give it a fair trial. He said that this was the original teaching of Buddha with no religious ties to it at all. After he discovered enlightenment, he taught his 5 friends the path to enlightenment and he called it Vipassana (Deep insight). It’s been taught through 25 centuries and the method is still pure and is not tainted by any religious dogmas. I listened to the guru-ji’s words and contemplated on staying. Then he said, “There are two reasons why people come to Vipassana. One, they did it in their past life and feel drawn in to do it again. Second, the people who do this are truly pious. Victor, stay. I can tell you are a searcher of knowledge, so stay. You’re heart led you to this place, so follow your heart.”
Damn… you are one convincing guru… And so I stayed. I put my bags down and went to the meditation hall to meditate. I sat down, crossed my legs, folded my hands, straightened my back, lifted my head, closed my
Roomate
Patrick from Austriaeyes and began observing my breath. The secret is to not think… which is so hard.
Okay, now I’m committed. I will stay for ten days. But should I quit now before wasting a few more days?. Oh man, I should have quit, huh? I should have quit. Why did you listen to that tricky guru, Vic! I shouldn’t have stayed. Now I have to do this for another 9 days? Nooo….. Each day got harder and I hung in there for the next three days but I was on the brink of giving up again when I realized I wasn’t experiencing the same thing as my classmates. The guru would ask everybody individually if they have started to feel a ‘sensation’ in the area right below their nostrils. Almost everybody felt it except for me. I asked him “Does it count as a sensation if my breath is blowing against my unshaven mustache and it’s tickling me?” He laughed and said no. Oh man… I just spent 30 hours of meditation and I still can’t feel anything at all? I want to quit and go somewhere with hot water, cozy bed, TV, good food and also a
place where I can hear something besides silence. The guru-ji told me to hang in there and be patient. I’m giving too much importance to my thoughts and I should stop trying to visualize my breath but observe it instead. And then… finally, after 38 hours of hardcore meditation, I felt a little tingle right below my nose. I was so happy that I finally got the sensation but I was also very confused about how this would help at all. It didn’t matter, day 4 was over and I hadn’t given up yet. If it wasn’t for that one breath that gave me that small tingle, I would have quit.
Day 5:
Oh my god…what the hell is going on? Is this really happening? Zheng de ma? It feels so…so… phenomenal… It feels so amazing! I love this… oh no! I’m losing it, got to get it back, got to get it back. Damn… I lost it. The sensation is gone. I shouldn’t have craved the feeling. I have to remain equamanent and aware of the sensation. Stupid! Stupid! Alright, let’s try again… Breathe in, breathe out… If I start to explain the sensation that the
100 of us were feeling, people would think we were absolutely insane. In fact, that was exactly how everybody thought of the Buddha when he first explained it. But once people tried his method and felt it for themselves, they started to hail Siddartha as the Enlightened One.
Alright, so here goes. Everything in this material world is constructed by tiny atoms that we can’t see with our eyes. But they are there. This was scientifically proven by some great scientist in the 19th century. But Buddha had discovered this fact in 5 B.C. Breathing air is the connection between the material world and the immaterial world. Even though I can’t see my breath, I still know that it is there because I can feel it. And so Buddha started observing his breath with such precision that he was able to feel more than just the invisible air, but also the invisible atoms that constructed his body. I know, sounds ridiculous. But think of it this way: suppose I stand close to a fire and my body warms up. The body becomes warm because on the molecular level, the atoms are rapidly rubbing against each other and creating friction, thus,
heat is created and I’m warm. I was only able to feel warmth because some external factor made my atoms react. But, imagine if I could control my atoms and create the sensation of heat just with the thought of it. Why wouldn’t it be possible? It makes so much sense… this isn’t spirituality, this is the reality of nature. There are certain muscles in our body that we think we can’t control, but if we put our minds to it, we can accomplish anything. A Zen Master is able to choose his own death and stop his heartbeat at any given moment. That’s pretty hardcore, I don’t think I’m going to learn that one…hehe, but opening my eyes up to this whole world of atoms completely changes my view of things. I started to understand Buddhism in the experiential level now and not just the intellectual level. Before, I knew that everything changes in the world, but now I am feeling the change as I’m feeling the sensation come and pass away. And when I start seeing myself as a construct of billions of atoms then the idea of “self” starts to dissolve because I am a part of
nature.
Day 7:
Okay, calm. Breathe in, breathe out. Equamanence, don’t crave the sensation,Vic, just be aware… hmmm…Is equamence even a word? It sounds like it makes sense… to be “eqau-”, right? Ah, shut up, shut up, just focus Vic. Concentrate only on your breathing and the sensation will arise…Breathe…Breathe… Brea… …. ….. ….. ……………. ………………………………….. …………………………….. I started to get good at ‘not thinking’ anymore. My mind was starting to be a lot more peaceful and thus my mind became sharper so I was able to focus on the atoms of my body. I was able to create the sensation (a tingling feeling) and make it move from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Like the feeling of inspirational goosebumps all over my body except, now I can control it for an hour and not just a second. The more I did it, the more I felt connected to the life force of the earth.
Day 9:
OK…. Now what? I’ve been controlling this sensation for the past 40 hours. Aren’t I supposed to be enlightened by now or something? I mean, it’s a great feeling and all but now I’m just getting bored of the sensation. I get it, I’m controlling these sensations in my body at the molecular level but how will this end ‘all human suffering’? I’m starting to get frustrated…. Oh no, oh no, I’m losing the sensation! Okay, breathe, relax, don’t react to any feeling just stay equamenent and aware orelse you’ll lose the feeling….equamanence……. ……………….. …………………………… ………………………………………...........................................................……
I was starting to understand that if I started to react to any sort of emotion, I lose the balance of my mind and thus, the sensation disappears. This experience is an important experience that Buddha kept emphasizing. Just like in the real world, if we start to react to an emotion then we begin our suffering. If somebody called me a watermelon when I wear green then I would naturally react negatively and my suffering will begin. Although it seems like the other person caused my suffering, my suffering really began when I started to pay importance to his opinion and reacted with emotion. Had I just used the power to ignore, then I would not react in any way, and thus my suffering cannot begin. Impervious. And pleasant emotions can be dangerous as
well because it starts to create ‘craving’ for the pleasant feeling and once again, the balance of the mind is thrown off. Stay equamanent.
Day 11:
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Yay…………………………………………………….. Today is my freedom!.............................................................................................................................................................................Shhh concentrate Vic................................................................................................................................................................................................................free………………………………………………………………………………………hehe……………….food……mmmm…………………………………………………………………...........................................................…..
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John Clark
non-member comment
What is equamanence?
Interesting how much control you have, is this the tip of the ice berg for complete control over mind and body? I've been focusing on my breathing a lot more to unwind myself from working long days so I can finally sleep. Focusing on breathing is really an interesting experience when trying to silence your mind. Keep educating us! Also: What is equamanence? I tried googling this and only your blog came up and some french books.