Enlightenment... I think

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Just a fair warning as about 100 pictures or so were "accidentely" erased so most of India adventures will be thru my words. I'll try my damndest yall


The words would surface again and again, fall and retreat back to the depths of my soul. It took an absurd amount of time to contemplate the last 15 days and even more of that time to force myself to my computer in an attempt to do that time justice. There are reasons unknown about this place. India is, in all ways, magical, divine, spiritual and enlightening. If you choose to be open to such things. I am alive. Alive. This is the result of travels, adventures, kindred spirits, great triumphs, and even greater failures.
------I want to tell you a story about life. I met a man recently. A bastard of a man in most rights but intrigued me to no end. He was in every way my perfect mirror. I couldn't tell if I loved or hated him? When we meet someone who is a reflection of self in all ways we are forced to face every last flaw. He was strong, independent, hard-headed, selfish, careless, captivating, and on a relentless pursuit for the magic of life. The only difference between me and this 25 year old English bloke was that he is dying. A man, stripped of his life, fated to die. But wait, aren't we all dying. I see that more every day in the zombie souls that march in and out of their routine. Settling comfortably into complacency. Falling pathetically into mediocrity. I will not be a fucking zombie! I want nothing to do with the living dead! (Scary pieces of shit) This is where I stopped to breath. I inhaled the exquisite beauty and bone wrenching sorrow that comes with being fully alive. Knowing that to be truly alive one must endure both and that you cannot... CANNOT have one without the other. I'll try gracefully from this moment onward to live as such. I hear all the time, "be careful" "your too trusting" "stay safe." As well intended as these comments are they all hold an air of restriction and fear. I Will NOT be careful for chance of missing something great. I WILL trust people as this is proof of my endless faith. I WILL NOT be safe. A ship is safe in the Harbor but thats not what a ship is built for. I refuse to live any other way! I will live and love according to the truth boiling out of the depths of my heart and soul. I feel as though my heart and soul would die if I denied it this. You see India, My dying friend and the complete solitude of the last weeks has taught me this.
Back to my travels. At first sight of the poverty, homeless and desperate I thought myself sick to find it beautiful but there it was before me. Honest and real... What is more beautiful than that? These children, lives, hopeless, wanting nothing more than a bite of bread, a smile, maybe just a hug. I don't know entirely. My white, American, "fat" ass walking the streets. Attempting to make a difference one child at a time, realizing that no matter how much I offered it would never be enough. Then I had a moment of self reflection. I had given my money, time, and food to these people, I still felt helpless... broke and hungry. Did I make a difference? I can't say. All I had left to give was my warmth, my smiles, my patience. I gave that. Thats when things started to shift in me. I gave what I had. There was no physical proof of any good deed. I couldn't write my donations off on my taxes... I just started to feel warmth. My heart began to expand and open to this world. The horrors, the beauty, the suffering, the real. My heart, pained but alive. Let me retirate... Alive. I am alive. I opted out of the crowded city streets, exhausted but beginning to understand self and why my soul called me there. I walked into the nearest tourist station, ready to be ripped off. I didn't care. "I want the mountains" thats all I knew.
Next thing I know I'm off to Kashmir. Some place called Shrenigar, all I knew of Kashmir was "its dangerous," whatever. I am not trying to sound presumptuous here but I lost fear along time ago. Fuck it, give me the mountains! I was sent to a house boat on the magical lake Nageer. Driving in to this secluded town was a welcoming committee of machine gunned army men and signs that say welcome to Heaven. The latter was more comforting. I saw signs for paradise, Angel Fort. Passion, love, desire, all these words marketing the shops and beyond. It was in fact, Paradise. Two days, all by me lonesome, stuck in the middle of the lake. I read. I read a lot. An enchanting climb to Angel Fort to commune with my brethren and then to a mountain resort town called Gulmar. Pass the wild horses to a climb to the summit of cloud city. Buried in a valley of solitude and baboons I chose for a sunset horseback ride around the empty streets. Gather my place under the sunset and made my company with a wild baboon. He was friendly enough but only spoke Indian so we parted ways soon after meeting. The next night I found myself in route to the highest summits my soul had ever reached. My half-broken English speaking tour guide, a few ponies and me. And my journal, oh thank god for that! I thought myself well experienced in the art of camping, trekking... Thought! Not so much. Just so you know trekking in the Himalayas isn't about camping, its about surviving! Cliffs of unimaginable heights, giving way just by looking at them, no flashlights or fire, a candle, a hand sewn plastic shelter, ponies to carry the metal bins of live chickens, eggs and rice. Jesus age Christ! I would also like to add that when a 75 year old, Kashmiri, Mountain man tells you its okay to drink the river water... DONT! The second day out I was lead astray by a inexperienced guide. I began to feel a sickness stirring from deep within my belly. Somehow the crumbly cliffs, highest of altitudes and "Delhi Belly", all hit at once. We were lost!... until a gypsy child started screaming at us. ! This man was leading me straight into a bears den! We had to back track and please keep in mind the sickness and 8 hours of trekking already. The Gypsies that live among the hills directed us back to course but not before my legs started to give way, I'm literally blacking out each time I try to stand, moment after moment of "Oh shit" Literally... Sounds sexy huh? Omer, my guide is a bit concerned and the ponies, food and shelter are hours ahead of us. What is left here? The gypsy child leads me to her hut of mud and straw built into the mountain. Omer left in search of the guide and a pony that might carry my broken body. There I lay, amongst the straw floored shack, the gypsy women looking at me oddly and speaking the most foreign of tongues. The flies finding refuge in my hair and the chickens being shooed away courteously. They offered a "healing" tea which was iodized salt and hot water. Now, from my hippie background I'm well aware that salt water acts as a laxative and believe me this was the last thing I needed. But they insisted, cup after bloody cup. The child was preparing flat bread out of cornmeal and water. They fed this simple delicacy to me. I don't think anything ever tasted so sweet. I must be honest here, there was a moment, that I was certain of death. I looked out amongst the Heaven of foreign hills, its precious peaks offering love, these ladies the last ones to see me alive and them unable to understand a word of english. I thought my last words thru and then laughed as know one would ever hear them. I could document all the things I wanted to say to those I love, but I couldn't sit still long enough between bathroom races. I laughed even more at my last meal of saltwater and cornmeal.... Then, 4 hours later, a valiant Omer and a pair of ponies arrive. They whisk me off to the shelter of a camp sight and I sleep for 2 days.
The next week of my life was, by far, the most spiritual and transformative to date. The first thing I did was write my will... You guys are gonna have to bid on my car. Thats the only thing of value I own. Then I took a turn inward. I thought of India, my dying friend and being alive. I thought how and why and what I longed for. I decided I want to live and love well. To stand in the center of the fire and not back down. To spread my metaphorical wings knowing that I will Fly, Fall, Fly, Fall and Fly again. As that is how it is done. I prayed to the Heavens, cleansed in the Majesty of Lake Krishna. Was blessed by his companion, Lake Shiva, I sang to the silver stars, and danced in wild abandon amongst the clouds. I befriended the gypsies and laughed at my humanity, cried for my healing and loved with an intensity unparalleled. Loved. I simply loved. Not to another, not to myself, not in and out or around I just loved. Is that what sets us free? To become love. I felt as if a cataclysmic shift of the entire universe was happening all around me. Can a person, small and finite create a wave to this world simply by becoming love? Can someone change the course of this world just by allowing that power and becoming it... emanating it??? In this moment I think so. In this moment I know that I changed the world. Goddamn Hippie Shit! I love it. My story continues as the neighboring gypsies catch the sweetest of trout, a divine dinner and back to an 8 hour gut-wrenching marathon of hell, and me ever so glad I'd written my will. 😊 I got better. Beyond it. I stuck to cornmeal and curdled goats milk. This was my only option and because of such I will forever be humbled about my diet. I knew this when I found a cockroach in my dinner, eloquently swept his seasoned body aside and continued eating in silence. Humbled, yep, there I was between the extremes of Heaven and Hell and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I was satisfied.
Heaven... the last night of my journey I stood over the valley of infinite depth. The clouds hundreds of meters below me, starting to swell like the ocean before the storm. I found a rocked pedestal, and took hold the magic before me. The clouds boiled up fiery phoenix's and azure dragons. Swirling and dancing to my hearts song. These creatures whispered than screamed around the fleshy folds of the mountains. Rising in its omnipotence with a power the likes of fairy tales. I stood frozen as the clouds began to consume all life around until eventually I was melded into the damp, misty miracle. First thought... "cloud surfing" but I was too astounded that the cloud rose just to meet me. This power, this grace, the freedom of nature ate me alive. It felt good to be consumed and I saw in its truth.... my own. I felt my power, freedom and grace, I felt union and the destruction of duality. I felt God. This was a moment in time that will change a person forever. Like moment after moment on this journey to the mountains I knew that I would never be the same. I am and forever will be new. Happy Birth Day to me.

I returned to my paradise of a town but now with the offer of a family home. One of my tour guides family insisted I stay with them. Somehow I ended up in a brilliant home with servants, gardeners and cooks. A fresh garden for dinner treats and a yummy pomegranate tree dancing above my balcony. The sent of roses rising every morning to wake my senses to the world and me feeling quite the princess. I was escorted to the tailor where I had a special dress made just for me as there is a huge Indian wedding I must attend and for those of you who are unawares this is a week party! But all of that comes secondary to the mother. This beautiful woman, who used to live in the states, a working doctor who calls me "Family." She sees to all my wants and needs, leaves the light on for me and properly tucks me in at night. All with the assurance that she is only meters away if I need anything. For 3 days I lived the life of pampered royalty and my dears all I wanted was to see that woman's face before I fell asleep. Truth be told, homeless or not, every day I travel further and further away from what is familiar the more I find my home.

In light of my newly discovered intimate relationship with life, self and love I offer that to you.
From the sweetest and yummy places of my heart, love to you!
Love

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Photos

My adopted husband Santiago
This is us on our honeymoon :)

Comments

[jenn]

hey there wander woman! oh my goodness is all ican say...you are living what most of us dream of at night......ive been going through some rough times right now...but after reading that...i feel humbled.....thank you so much! jenn

[sandi]

you have such a beautiful way of writing about your journeys, I admire your fearlessness and passion for the unknown

[Thyui]

nice pictures
I think your camera is pretty nice for the way you described it. A lot of balls to travel by yourself and winging it. nice.