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Should I go on a career break without my husband?

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Should I go on a career break without my husband for six months and fulfill my dreams of trekking mount everest and annapurna, angkor wat, laos, cambodia, china, india east coast, tibet ......
3 years ago, December 2nd 2010 No: 1 Msg: #124083  
1 Msg: #124075 58 mins ago, December 2nd 2010 Owner Edit
I have always dreamt of travelling since I was a little girl. I have been saving for the last 10 years. I met my husband at 25 and we got married at 28, it has been three years. I am now 31.

My husband originally planned to come with me on a RTW trip for a year but then pulled out due to mortgage considerations, bad back and generally because it was more my passion and dream to travel than his.

I was devastated!

I am now planning top go for six months on my own and fulfil my dreams. My husband is now also coming with my to Africa March 2011 for 2 and a half months which is great. I will then go off for six months.

I am feeling heavy hearted, am I doing the right thing going without him? I know that I I don't I will live to regret it. Last night my husband said that it was up to me, and that he was worried about me changing. He said that lots of people regret lots of things and that was life. For me this is really negative and I am a very positive person. We were all born alone with nothing, we will all die alone with nothing. I want to make the most of my life.

He is a wonderful man but I think he is finding it difficult to accept. He says he does not mind me going but he thinks it will be hard.

I want to do this before we think about having kids and I'm not getting any younger. I am giving up my job for this too.


Thanks, any comments would be really appreciated.
[Edited: 12:16 - Mell - Duplicate post deleted.]
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3 years ago, December 3rd 2010 No: 2 Msg: #124132  
Perhaps he is right. People do regret things in life. But you only have one of them, so surely the purpose is to reduce the amount of things you regret by trying your hardest to fulfil your dreams.

It will, of course, be hard. And you will change. But not necessarily in a negative way and not necessarily away from him. It could change you for the better and make you closer because you fulfilled your dreams and he let you.

If you don't go, then you could regret it. If you regret it then this could negatively affect your life and you could begin to resent your husband and any children for preventing you from doing what you wanted in life. It could cause bigger problems later.

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3 years ago, December 3rd 2010 No: 3 Msg: #124152  
I think you need to make a 'pro's & con's' list on what might happen if you go.

I was supposed to go travelling when I was younger but decided not to because of a job opportunity, I wondered if I would ever regret not going especially as my passion for travel seemed to grow as I got older.

If I'd have gone travelling I'd never have met my soon to be wife, we still haven't taken a year or so out & I doubt we ever will but instead we have several holidays each year.

You could argue that we haven't really seen & experienced the country because we haven't "been travelling", but instead we see the highlights of each place & if we ever go somewhere & feel like we have missed out on something (which is yet to happen) it just gives us an excuse to visit that place again someday.

I never once regreted not taking a year out as now I see the world with the one I will spend the rest of my life with, I love the fact I get to experience all of these amazing things with Nikki, we have so many memories together due to our travels together.

As for kids, they don't need to stop you from travelling, look at Peter Maisondubonheur he regularly travels with his kids.

For most of us every major decision we make in life we generally have to sacrifice something we want for something else we want, personally if I thought there was a 1% chance going travelling would jeapordise my marriage I wouldn't go, there are lots of different ways to travel & I'd much rather experince the time I am travelling with the one I love, but that is just my personal opionion.

One thing I will say is don't let people close to you make the decision for you, if you take advice from those people & later regret that decision you will only blame them, make the decision based on how you feel. Reply to this

3 years ago, December 4th 2010 No: 4 Msg: #124185  
I do not think any of us can assist you with this one. You are faced with a tough decision.
Go to your quiet place to think about this one.

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3 years ago, December 6th 2010 No: 5 Msg: #124307  
I was faced with the same dilema. In the end, I realised that I had to go no matter what because I would just grow to resent my partner if I missed out. Luckily he eventually decided to come and everything worked out well!!

I think that you may grow resentful because even though your partner isnt stopping you from going, you know that it would be easier if they just wanted the same things. Its a tough one! You may just feel sad being away from him and it will make you suffer during the experience of being away.

My partner works away from home a lot and If you keep in touch frequently then it doesnt need to be so difficult. Reply to this

3 years ago, December 6th 2010 No: 6 Msg: #124318  
By all means - go for it! Reply to this

3 years ago, December 6th 2010 No: 7 Msg: #124325  
B Posts: 207
Speaking from experience, I spent a lot of time married to a man who would not get on a plane....he could hardly pick me up at the airport without breaking a sweat. Fast forward twenty years and my biggest regret in life was that I did not do a RTW trip when I was young...so now I'm minus about 200 pounds (of husband) and free to go where I want and see what I like when I want. So I say go for it. Life is too short!

Like Viktoria said, he will probably miss you so much that he might just join up with you

....OR you will both realize you want other things which is what I really hear (when I read between the lines).
Good luck!


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3 years ago, December 7th 2010 No: 8 Msg: #124328  

3 years ago, December 7th 2010 No: 9 Msg: #124354  
Hi all

Apologies for the very long note.

I’ve changed my nickname from heavy hearted (as I was feeling when I started this forum subject) to shanti om (peace).

I just want to thank you all for your time in replying to me, I am very grateful to everyone.

To give you a bit more background information, my husband and I originally planned to travel together, I was saving before I met him and continued to do so (still am). My husband then hurt his back and found that he couldn’t do the things he used to do, this was in conjunction with the house prices falling (we bought our first home when prices were sky high). I was saving for our RTW trip and my husband was looking after the mortgage etc.

One night he admitted that he couldn’t come due to his bad back (painful disc issues) and the fact that he felt completely tied down financially and that in truth it was my dream to travel for a whole year more than his. Although he enjoys travelling, he would rather do it for 2-3 weeks several times a year as he is very adverse to taking financial risks, it’s the way he has been brought up. I have been brought up to be careful with money but to experience life before it’s too late and I am highly aware of human mortality and no regrets and taking calculated risks. Almost as soon as me and my bro were born, my parents would take us on caravanning trips all around the UK and France and abroad (and are keen walkers) where as his parents have never been on a holiday, but instead have never left the area that they have lived in for 40 years and in truth have wrapped up their children in cotton wool!!!

Anyway, earlier this year, my husband and I went to a travel show as I am going on a Dragoman trip and I wanted to check out the truck that was at the show. Without any persuasion from me
my husband (with passion in his eyes) declared that he wanted to come to Africa with me for 2 months and a half months as it was a place he had always wanted to experience. I was so shocked and didn’t believe him at first. We have booked it and we are going and he is leaving his job which is far from easy for him to do as he has climbed the career ladder to get where he is and will be taking a salary decrease when he starts work after he gets back. He is also joining me to learn how to dive in the Philippines or Indonesia at the end of my trip for three weeks.

I had a heart to heart with my husband the other night and he said that I had to follow my heart and do what I had to do otherwise I would regret it and that he fully supports my travelling. He said that things would be fine and that we would get through it no matter what.

I initially decided to go for a year but reduced it to six months as my husband is now coming to Africa.

I have now decided not to go for 5 months straight but to go for a month at a time and come back for a few weeks (not because he asked me to). I don’t want anything to ever damage our marriage which is so sacred and special to us. The longest I’ll be away from him will be two months when I will be trekking in Nepal and India.

I want to experience travelling with my husband (my favourite travel partner ever) and I know that if I did go for 5-6 months straight, I would be utterly miserable and may even cut the time short and head back. We have been to many places together already and we will go to many more. When I do go alone (I went to Jordan a couple of years ago) I wished he was there to experience the beauty of the country and its people.

I am totally addicted to travelling but also need to take care of the most important man I have in my life (aside from my dad!). I feel better now I know that I will be happier touching base with my husband and home in between my trips. It will also give me the opportunity to do lots of reading about the places that I will be travelling to and I may even start to write a book!
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3 years ago, December 7th 2010 No: 10 Msg: #124359  
Shanty om- I like your name change.

It sounds like you are on the right track. I am happy that your dream will come true and you have compromised enough that your husband can come along and share in the adventure.

Now learning that your husband's family did not travel I imagine the thought of a trip around the world for a year may not have held the same excitement that it held for you. It may have seemed over whelming. I like your new plan. It sounds like it will work for both of you and he may be bitten by the bug.

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3 years ago, December 7th 2010 No: 11 Msg: #124395  
I am so happy for the both of you. I wish you happy travels and I wish him not too much impatience for you to get back between trips! :)

It is important for a relationship for each person to be happy with themselves. The fact that he is telling you to follow your heart shows a great amount of love and respect. And the fact that you have compromised by cutting the length of the trip, but are still pursuing a long-held dream...both of you should be happy and grateful. And how exciting that he wants to come along for parts of the trip!

Yay!!! :) Happy and safe travels to both of you!! Reply to this

3 years ago, December 7th 2010 No: 12 Msg: #124398  
I've been married for 35 years and my husband has worked away a lot over this time. Your husband sounds a fantastic man - do you really think your dreams are so important? I had four fantastic children who all grew up to travel and Ali, my oldest son set up this site when he started travelling. Why not be satisfied with the Africa trip, we in the west are so lucky to earn enough to even have holidays! Try and put yourself in your husbands' place and think carefully about what you might loose.
I know this sounds old fogeyish, but sometimes the real dream is right under your nose and not to far from home! Best wishes Bridget Watters. Reply to this

3 years ago, December 8th 2010 No: 13 Msg: #124421  
Dear Bridget, now I know where Ali is holding his wisdom from, nice comment Bridget.

Couple life is about sharing, giving before you receive. And in a couple, we all bring something, doesn't need to be the same thing, but what is important is that we each bring something to enrich the relationship. There is nothing wrong to find that two people don't have the same aspiration and therefore would spread appart. But when you have something great going on, it is sad to destroy it just because your other half will not follow you. You know you are in a wonderful relationship when you enjoy more the giving than the receiving, because this means that your partner fullfil you. So if your partner is already going seriously in your way to quit his job, start travelling with you for extended period, trust me, you will not feel happy going on your own after that just to fullfil your own needs. Specially if he has nothing special to fullfil his days when you are away beside waiting for you.

I have a wonderful family, we travel a lot, I travel also alone from time to time....but what is more important than anything, is the love of my partner Mari and of our great little guy Leslie. Reply to this

3 years ago, December 8th 2010 No: 14 Msg: #124441  
Hi all, thanks again for your responses.

I understand where Bridget and Maisondubonhe is coming from completely.

I do realise how lucky I am to have a husband who loves and respect me to the point that he is willing to let me go to fulfill my dreams. I also in turn love and repsect my husband which is why I can't comtemplate going for 5 months straight without him.

I know that we are strong enough to be apart for a month (after which I will be back for a month) x 2. After this I will be away for a two month stint and then my husband will be joining me out there. After this we will be together forever and I will have nothing to regret. I have trust that our marriage is strong enough. If a marriage isn't strong enough to stand tall through the temporary absence of the other then I'm not sure such a marriage is worth having?

The places that I am going to are places I've dreamt of going to before I met my husband but never had the financial means to go. When I did have the financial means, I was then saving for the both of us to go travelling RTW for a year.

My husband as much as I'd love him to come with me more than anything is not that interested in the Himalayas, trekking to Everest Base Camp, trekking through remote regions of Tibet and performing the parikram around Mount Kailash whilst reciting Lord Shiva's name. Nor is he really than interested in exploring Indian temples in Puri in Orissa. I will go with my husband to these places one day as they are incredibly beautiful and it is that beauty and spirituality that I want to share with him but he will not be interested in doing any of the trekking.

So should I give up my dreams of trekking in remote wilderness when my husband is fully supportive of my dreams, knowing that I will not be able to ever do it because my husband doesn't really want to and that he would not enjoy it? If I did I think I would regret it on my death bed.

It's an innocent facination and heartfelt passion to see these beautiful mountains and landscapes knowing that something totally awe inspiring has designed such magnificent beauty on this planet earth. Am I such a bad wife to want to see these things and to walk amongst the mountains and feel the spirituality of the place whilst trekking - and to do so without my husband who doesn't want to? Reply to this

3 years ago, December 8th 2010 No: 15 Msg: #124452  
Hi again, it sounds as though you two have arrived at a good compromise so good luck, I'll look forward to seeing your entries on travel blog! In actual fact,Robert (my husband) and I (I sound like the Queen!) are selling our house next year and we have this daft idea of tandem biking to see Ali - I'm not sure how far we'll get but we'll travel hopefully (I'm 60) Very best wishes to you both, Bridget Reply to this

3 years ago, December 8th 2010 No: 16 Msg: #124459  
Hi Shanti! I'm in the same boat as you. My boyfriend is a total homebody. I also plan to take a gap year mid-2011. Exploring 1 continent for 6 weeks max & then returning home for a month or so. It'll be more costly (sigh!) but it'll be good for our relationship (which is a priority as much as traveling). Have fun with your adventures!

p.s.: I came from the Philippines & highly recommend diving there (screw Indonesia, lol). Puerto Galera & Anilao are excellent sites! Reply to this

3 years ago, December 8th 2010 No: 17 Msg: #124473  
B Posts: 119
I think go for it. You don't want to look back in 20 years and think of it as your big opportunity lost. Plus with technology these days you and your husband can be in almost daily contact - depending on where you are of course. Perhaps not on the Annapurna Circuit or at Mt Everest Base Camp! Emails, skype....it might not be as hard as he thinks. And it's only 6 months. In a marriage that might last 60 years that is a fraction of the time! Reply to this

3 years ago, December 9th 2010 No: 18 Msg: #124522  
Let me make it simple: Go! After too much thought, it is what is important to you, no surprize to him, it will affect your relationship whether you go or not, and you will be a better person for going (and he will be a better person for staying home.) Reply to this

3 years ago, December 9th 2010 No: 19 Msg: #124523  
I agree-- in my opinion it will impact your relationship whether you go or not. Reply to this

3 years ago, December 10th 2010 No: 20 Msg: #124530  
In my opinion, you should travel with him to Asia just for short time. Maybe that short trip can convince him. during that time, you and your husband will have time together to share many interesting things. maybe he can find the love for traveling.
hope that you and your husband always be happy.
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