Things I Learned in Los LLanos

Los Llanos

Consistently described to me as ´The Heart of Venezuela´. Of course the two folk who said that was a tour guide/tout and a ranch hand who lived there, so they might be more than a little biased. In my regards though, if it´s not the heart, it´s a damn major organ.

So.

After some trepidation on heading into the wilderness (you never know...Chavez might have a Naeem-eating-Anaconda out there), I bought a trip to Los Llanos, which is a mixture between wilderness and farmland to see. Well to be honest, I didn´t really know. I just figured that I should see more of Venezuela than an overly boisterous city and a college town. I was accompanied by Bas, Marc, Claire, Daniella, and Kathrin. Who are Dutch, Swiss, English, German and German respectively. I felt vindicated in my claims that English is the defacto language of as my mother tongue was invoked as the easiest way to communicate. So Ha! I say. HA!

The trip over the Andes was uneventful...which is a GOOD thing on Venezuelan cliffside roads since our driver felt the need to turn around an look at us while doing 90 on a 2 lane mountain highway chock full of bikes, cars and pedestrians. Did I mention there was a cliff to the side? It was high.

I figured Los Llanos to be an educational experience. I had no idea.

Things I learned in Los llanos

1. Anaconda Shit Stinks

Most folk go to Los llanos to find wildlife...and find it we did. With the eagle eyes of Ramon aka Papa Lindo, we spotted an anaconda and plenty of caiman, capybara, birds, even freshwater dolphins. It wasn´t until the second anaconda was found that we decided it would be a good idea to hold it. Now I´d been warned to stay away from the discharge end of the Anaconda since their offal apparently smells like a stink bomb on steriods...unfortunately poor Claire got hit with something. At least we have some nice photos to show and Luckily photos don´t stink. As nice as she was, Claire rode on the roof to make sure that the rest of the folk weren´t stinky too...

2. Horse Riding Hurts

I´d heard that horse riding was good exercise, but I´d chalked that up to people who weren´t in shape...like the folk who say golf is a sport. Yeah well I can attest that any attempts to keep yourself on the horse...and to keep your poor poor bum from being smashed flatter than a tostone, it damn sure became exercise quick. My new found buddy Bas had a mean tempered horse (it liked to kick the other horses) and the poor Dutchman was tossed from his saddle. While this should have been scary, it actually made Bas look like an action hero as he was dragged along by a devil horse. He was able to get free eventually, but I´m sure the experience was more intense than he´d warranted.

Between the horse and riding on wood slats atop a pimped out Ford Econoline, my ass was actually chafed raw. I spent the rest of the trip judiciously standing alot.

3. Piranha are sneaky little bastards

After the horse judo, we went for a bit of relaxing fishing. Even if I don´t think of searching for flesh eating ninja fish as ´relaxing´, I am sure some folk do. In all it was peaceful. the caiman stayed a decent bit down river and we cast our hooks into the water repeatedly. Everyone caught something. All I seemed destined to catch was frustration as the piranha kept cleaning my hook, without GETTING hooked. It was especially daunting when Papa Lindo came back with 7, announced that we had dinner and were going home.

I was about to be out done by a friggin´ fish. urg.

On my last and final try I spoke to the fish hook. (really I did.) and cast a winner. I came up with a piranha in last minute Hollywood style. Of course my suavity was diminished by the fact that I felt the need to talk shit to the river for not giving up it´s bounty earlier.

Bloody Americans.

4. Hammocks Rock (pun intended)

This was the first time I´d ever slept in a Hammock. And I must say I now want one. It was peaceful and I didn´t fall out even once. Though the first time I sat down was kinda a close call...

5. Drunken 14 year olds should be avoided

The fellas (the girls had decided to call it a night.) went searching for a party. Of course that is a little hard to do in a rural area that is translated as ´the flats´. But we got lucky and stumbled onto a party where a young girl was about to turn 15. Apparently this is a big deal similar to the ´Sweet 16´ back at home. Anyway, we were invited to stay and help start the celebrations. And I don´t know if it was the bottle of rum the 14 year old was taking to the head or if it was the bottle her father was downing, but somehow, I ended up collecting a marriage proposal. I dunno if it was a serious one or not, but the little lady told me that though her family wanted her to pic a white man she liked me.

I dunno if I should be flattered or not as her father told me he would mount me first...then I could have his daughter...

The next day, at the actual party, it seemed to be forgotten, and I didn´t come away with a pubescent bride or a middle aged male paramour, but I was pressured by a pregnant girl´s aunt to go become her new boyfriend.

Yeesh.

In all, Los Llanos was great. If you go though, stay away from the pregnant chicks and teenagers.

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