"I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"

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Please go to YouTube and listen to "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell. For real, just do it, and listen to it while you read this blog. That song is the theme song of my experience at the grocery store today/my life.



Okay. Are you listening to it? Read on! :-)



I have no idea what was different about today but I felt seriously watched...EVERY WHERE. I had to go to Jumbo (Chile's version of Wal-Mart, and owned my Wal-Mart too...yes, I think Wal-Mart is single handedly taking over the world) to buy some stuff like peanut butter and cinnamon. It's a huge mega grocery store. I went alone and that's when things got crucial. Actually, it started as I was on the WAY to the store. As I was walking, there was a group of about 15 people standing on the street corner waiting for the light to change. About 10 of them turned to blatantly stare at me, children and all. Luckily the light changed before I reached the corner so the people looked away to cross the street. Unluckily, some men didn't cross the street and shouted out catcalls as I scurried by trying not to look at them.

When I entered Jumbo, it was like "Holy mother!" Instantly I saw a few men staring unabashedly. As I walked through the store it got worse. On every single aisle there was some dude watching me. Some people might think "Oh what a compliment" but let me correct that. It didn't feel like a compliment. It felt freaking creepy. But looking back on it, maybe it felt creepy because it was men who were the worst at it and I was alone. Women looked, but they kept walking. Many men would literally stop walking. Ironically I ran into my host dad. It was funny because he saw me looking like a total deer in headlights. I couldn't find the peanut butter to save my life and I felt super uncomfortable. Not wanting to draw any more attention to myself, I figured I'd better not ask a worker where it was. Then things got funnier. My host dad asked for me. Almost immediately the worker came over with a huge grin and directed me to the peanut butter. He then took it upon himself to explain the prices and told me "¡Bienvenida!" with another huge smile. Later on I found out from my host dad (who teased me mercilessly haha) that the man was busy stocking the shelves and was just going to tell my host dad where it was. Then according to Papa Samuel, whenever the man figured out that he was asking for me (no one but gringos eat peanut butter in Chile) he insisted on showing me where it was personally. Then when I returned to my previous aisle, my host dad saw that same man stop shelving where he was, and conveniently move over closer to where I was to idly piddle and oogle me. Ah ha! So that stuff was NOT in my imagination! Happily I can check emergent paranoia off the list! :-)

Anyway, then on the micro it was THE SAME THING!! As I got on, I was being watched. As I walked the aisle, I was being watched. Even when I was sitting in the very back of the bus, I was being watched!! One man, who was standing up in the front, was staring epically hard. I looked at him. He didn't look away. I looked away. I looked back at him and he was still staring. I awkwardly made myself stare back at him thinking that surely he'd start to feel embarrassed. We played "Chicken" with our eyes. Who would look away first? Who would cower? I lost... I looked away fearful that he'd take my staring back as encouragement. Then there was another guy who I caught looking at me from the corner of my eye. But he was much more polite. At least every time I met his gaze, he'd look away. I can respect that.

When I got home, I'd never been so relieved to be out of the public! But I still don't know what was different about today... Maybe it's because I wasn't as oblivious. Maybe it's because I didn't have the privilege of having a friend accompany me as a distraction from all the attention we cause. Maybe I was just extra bothered today by the stuff that happens every day. Who knows? But that song by Rockwell says it best.

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