Brazil: Land of Mr Bean and Benny Hill

Well i had some crappy news this week which some of you will know about. However this blog is sounding like a sob story so i feel now is the time to inject some brazilian humour into it. If the next few entries dont make people laugh then i give up.

Well Brazil started my trip in Manaus, a base for exploring the amazon. Spent 3 nights in the amazon, one night sleeping out in my hammock was amazing however this only came after the brazilian tour guide tried to pull a fast one by saying that the guide was "seriously ill" and we would not be able to sleep in the jungle which was what i had dreamt about for about 32 years. As an alternative i was offered and this is word for word how it was offered "visit indian village and sleep with the natives" wow thats brazil for you there is no holding back. anyways went to check out these native types they werent all they were cracked up to be. Now first thing surely a villiage consists of more than one house? and should it really have a tv and lots of mod cons. Anyways werent impressed, less impresed when my direct questiong revealed that the seriously ill guide did not exist! Persusaded guide to take us camping in the amazon loved it, slept in my hammock listening to all sorts of animals saw 2 aligators aswell.

After the amazon returned to Manaus were i decided to book myself onto a boat down the amazon for 5 days. Now one thing you can never call the brazilians is shy, the guy who i booked it with spent and good 20 mins telling me how he has 3 girlfriends, 5 kids and that he would like to show me photos of his girlfriends. Which brings me onto my impression of Brazil its like been in a Benny Hill programme. I have never seen so many women tottering around on high heels, last week i was in a club and there was a girl in there actively encouraging men to spank her bum! its absolutley bizarre and photos well the whole country is mad with taking photos one day this girl asked me to take her photo, 7 photos i had to take for her to be satisfied! Then this week i became the official photographer for this couple on a day trip it was ridiculous i have never seen so many posing postions and pouting and thats just the men! i actually took photos of them taking photos it was so ridiculous.

I have actually been told off in brazil for not posing on photos and some brazlians made me stand like i was holding up the sun, looked like a complete tool might put it on the net one day. I have also been told that my shorts are not short or tight enough and that i need to buy a pair of the tight brazilian speedo types. Watch this space for further news.

What else have i seen when to the barbers and witnessed a grown man having a pedicure/manicure type thing incredible.

The boat ride down the amazon was an experience, 400 people crammed in sleeping in hammocks, i think meal times will give you the best insight into brazil. I bought a meal card for 5 reais (even though the ticket said 8?)and went for lunch at 1pm between the alotted time of 12 and 2, however i was told that i was too late? The cook then invited me in and actually insisted on feeding me with a spoon god it was so embrassing but it seemed to be the only way i would get fed. The next day i went for breckfast but was told it had been cancelled but tea would be at 5pm and i could eat in the "1st class" lounge went there at 5 was closed opened at 6 and the first classs met the cleaned the tables and gave you some cake!

The next day i went for lunch this time they let me in for nothing and then for tea the price had dropped to 3 reais! reverse inflation in brazil? finally i had one meal ticket left but no more meals i thought i might aswell ask the guy if i could have my money back, his reply at the time was im busy with my girlfriend come back at 6am! yes as if anyways im leaving the boat and he comes upto me and gives 8 reais back 5 more than i had paid and said it was a form of compensation?

Then i went to belem too hot to enjoy although i did witness the fact that the brazilians are easily the best dancers i have ever seen even at 5pm on a sunday afternoon they are doing it. I was politley told that i need to just move my hips and keep my shoulders still! i tried to explain that my style of bodypopping is unique but they werent having it! all about the shoulder for me.

After belem, sao luis supposedly the brazilian capital of culture. crap. Carlisle has a real chance of becoming the UK capital of culture if Sao Luis can.

3 important questions came to mind in sao luis can someone please answer them for me?

(1) I have never seen shops so full as Brazil 2pm on a tuesday rammed like new years sales, how can they afford it?

(2) Does C and A exist in the Uk anymore over here the brazilians are mad for it and they even sell irish national baseball jerseys? explain that one please?

(3) Is it not dangerous to breast feed while walking down the street cant the baby choke.

a prize will be given to anyone who can answer these questions.


Then onto fortaleza and then Jericoacoara. It was here that the Mr Bean aspect developed. Went there alone and it was impossible to meet anyone couple central explaining why i became brazilian official photographer! Anyways would go for my meal alone sit down, table for 1 mr bean, mmm yes couldnt stop thinking of his christmas special. Now what i ve found in Brazil is that sitting by yourself or anytine by yourself makes to fair game for the most dangerous thing in brazil no not malaria but the women.

The problem is im pretty sure they arent the type of woman you take to meet your family its actually bloody annoying. Heres an example im sitting under a tree and this town is posh not rough i see a girl walking towards me im thinking please no not more hassle. She asks me if is smoke give the most negative answer i can that no its bad for your health! then she asks if i want to go for a walk! eventually she goes. Next day Mr bean is having a pizza for one girl comes over sits down and asks would you like to know my house! i mean what the bloody hell is this changing rooms? i decline and she calls me a son of a whore! is that not ironic? yes some nice girls here. to be honest got to the stage where i was actually scared to go out for fear of these women.

Yes so here i am Bean meets Benny Hill off now now to buy some speedos and get someone to take photos of me lying on a car bonnet.

tchau.

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