Taking my cruisginity

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On a last minute deal, Ron and I booked an inside cabin on the Jewel of the Seas, a ship that does a Caribbean cruise starting and ending in Puerto Rico. It was about 250 pounds each for the week including accommodation and food; I couldn’t say no to that. Even if it was a cruise. And cruises are for old people. Or so I thought...

All the best adventures begin when Plan A doesn’t quite go as expected. While the initial plan was simply to get to our cruise departure point, the alternative was much more exciting. Turns out even a cruise can turn into an adventure.

Halfway across the Atlantic, our pilot gave a long winded explanation as to why we were no longer landing at JFK airport, but diverting to Detroit. Snow. In my hazy state, having just been rudely awoken, I couldn’t understand such a long diversion. I still kind of can’t – Detroit is not close to New York! In any case, a few hours later than intended, we landed in Detroit in a mild panic. Of course there were no more flights out that night.

We had missed our connecting flight to San Juan, Puerto Rico. The next one from Detroit was the following morning at 10am and they had to upgrade us to a business class seat. Then to rub salt in the wound they had to also put us up in a really nice hotel for the night. A $100 voucher for our ‘troubles’ as well. The only trouble we had was that we’d packed for summer, and there was snow in Detroit. An inconvenience worth $100 I thought.

After a good night’s sleep, we flew in luxury down to Puerto Rico, and went on to our cruise ship in the most perfectly timed arrival possible. We were accidental geniuses. Instead of arriving in Puerto Rico at 5am, with hours to kill and lugging around our heavy luggage, we went plane - taxi- cruise ship in quick succession.

Now I have never been on a cruise ship, and I was under the misconception that it was just for old people. My boyfriend however was an avid cruiser, and convinced me to try it out. I have to try everything at least once and, of all the places to do it, I figured the Caribbean to be the best.

My first impression of the ship was a little overwhelming. A massive structure containing 3 restaurants, a gym, 4 or 5 bars, a swimming pool, a solarium, an outdoor activity area and a theatre to name just a few things. Of course this was as well as all of the staterooms – I think it had about 4,000 people on board. It was a town. Maybe even a tiny country. I struggled to comprehend how something this massive and heavy could be buoyant.

Our room, an inside cabin, had no windows at all, so time, date and weather outside was a fun guessing game each morning. I wasn’t going to complain though. For the amount paid, who cares what time it is anyway.

After leaving Puerto Rico, our first stop was St Thomas, in the US Virgin Islands. We went snorkelling off a sail boat and dived amongst shipwrecks and reefs. It was stunning, but some swordfish came a bit too close to my face for my liking. I say ‘we’ went snorkelling but I really mean me. Ron didn’t understand the need to put his head underwater. He said if God had intended for us to see underwater he would have given us gills. I thought this was a bold statement, as he is certainly no Christian, and I tried arguing with him. He said whatever I see down there, he could see later on TV in high definition. I gave up and swam off and watched the fish in the shipwreck. Better than any TV I’ve ever seen, HD or not.

The next day we were in St Croix, another US Virgin Island. We went on a bike tour, and it was stinking hot. I became a red mush of sunscreen and sweat. It was unbelievably attractive. Our guide told us all about the history of the island. I didn’t pay much attention, but I did see an iguana on the side of the road which was much more interesting. One of the beaches was really beautiful as well, and our guide said a film was shot there but I can’t remember which one. Maybe Castaway. Don’t take that as fact. As I said, I didn’t pay much attention.

Antigua and Barbuda greeted us the following day with its 365 beaches. That you can take as fact. I Googled it. We hadn’t pre booked anything with the cruise line as we had done for the past 2 days, so we just went ashore to see what we could do. We were easy targets for a taxi driver/salesman who convinced us to come on his island tour. For only US$20 he would take us around the island and show us some cool places. I bet you’re hoping that this ends in some kind of kidnap scenario that served us right for being ignorant tourists and just getting into a strangers car. Well, jokes on you. It was the best day of the entire trip. The driver took us and a group of others to Turners beach, stopping on the way to get fresh pineapple and banana, and showing us incredible viewpoints. Turners beach was relatively remote and was exactly what you would imagine when I say ‘Caribbean beach.’ White sand, crystal clear waters... You get it. We spent 2 hours there, sunbathing, swimming and drinking strong Antiguan rum at the bar. Sweet rum induced bliss.

Martinique was our next port of call. Ron didn’t like it straight away because it’s owned by the French. It was slightly more built up than the other islands. We wandered around Fort-de-France for a little bit, and I practiced my French. After that we went out on a glass bottomed boat, saw turtles and unsuccessfully tried to sunbathe. Every time we laid out our towels, it started to rain. Ron bitched and moaned because he said he wanted a tan after a Caribbean holiday, and he couldn’t return to England still being pale. I didn’t care. I only have two skin tones, pale and pink.

The next day brought us St Lucia. We went to a drive-in volcano which smelt like farts. On our drive there we saw the Pitons, an amazing natural landmark, and people holding snakes on the side of the road. We saw Jade Mountain as well which was featured on the Bachelor apparently.

Our last day on the boat was solely at sea. We had an unsuccessful hunt for a spot in the sun on a lounger and ended up just laying our towels on the floor on the top deck until we got rained on. It was a fairly uneventful and relaxing day. I finished reading Russell Brands book, and concluded that maybe I should try heroin sometime. Or maybe not ... Read his book and tell me your thoughts.

We left the boat the following day and did a final excursion; a rainforest ‘hike’ in El Yunque in Puerto Rico. My definition of a hike is at least an hour of moderate to intense walking. I’ll take what I can get though. A 20 minute amble is fine. It was pretty however, and our completely nonsensical driver/tour guide kept us mildly entertained.

Our driver dropped us off at the airport miles too early for our flight which, of course, was delayed by 3 hours. We ate ‘volcano nachos’ while we waited. They were delicious. Eventually we flew off to New York, where we watched our plane to London leave as we taxied into the terminal. What a shame, they had to put us up in a hotel again, this time in New York. And what a shame, the next available flight to London was at 6pm the next evening, leaving us a full day in New York City. It was freezing and I needed a jacket so the only logical thing to do was shopping!! Accidental geniuses again.

Our flight back to London was delayed slightly as well, and just to add the cherry on top of the already well iced cake, they lost our luggage for 24 hours after we arrived. It was the first day of my new job and I was late, and having not slept on the plane at all, I was also a little grumpy.

So as far as misconceptions go, I think I may have been a bit hasty. Cruises aren’t just for old people. They’re for the young dreamers and adventures as well. Don’t get me wrong, not every one of my holidays is going to be a cruise now. Although I am dreaming of cruising around Alaska ... Or maybe Russia. I wouldn’t turn down another Caribbean one either. I’m not quite the avid cruiser just yet, but you never know. Watch this space.

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