Old Faces From Home (part 2)

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Australia. Home to many of the world's most dangerous creatures. Stonefish. Box jellyfish. Redback spiders. Blue-ringed octopus. Brown snakes. Funnelweb spiders. Great White Sharks. Saltwater crocodiles. And my personal favourite, the dropbear. A dropbear is similar to a koala, but much, much larger. They live in the branches of trees and drop down on unsuspecting targets. If the initial fall of this 60kg creature does not break your back or neck, then it will proceed to rip you to pieces with it's razor sharp claws. Usually dropbears attack smaller prey such as kangaroos and cattle, but they will not hesitate to attack an adult human. (the dropbear is actually a fictional marsupial, folklore used to frighten small kids and gullible tourists. Another story is that if you rub vegemite behind your ears, dropbears will not attack)

Instead of facing Australia's multitude of fearsome beasties, I did the exact opposite - I went to Brisbane. One of Australia's most placid and soothing cities, it's complete lack of activity and excitement has spawned various nicknames including "Bris-Vegas" and "Brisneyland". But all that said and done, there is something I like about Brisbane. I was here last in 2000, on my last world trip. It was at the end of a 33,000 km journey around Australia in my trusty yellow car, The Mighty Lemon. A few photos are still on the website if anyone fancies a peek. The Adventures of the Mighty Lemon

In Brisbane I was staying with Hanif and Amy, and their lovely daughters Anna and Arwen, who moved over here from England two years ago. They have two dogs who barked at me constantly and peed on my rucksack. I wasn't too chuffed about my dog-urine scented rucksack, but I did chuckle when they also peed in Hanif's shoes! It was great to chill out with Hanif and Amy for the weekend and do "normal stuff' like eat pizza and watch television. We had a foray to the beach one day, to eat pies and laze on the beach. The place was called Mooloolaba. Australia is full of towns with gigglesome Aboriginal names such as Wagga Wagga, Coonawarra and Wollongong (known to locals simply as "The Gong"). But Australia also has some hilarious English names for towns such as Middle Intercourse Island, Bone's Knob and Wet Beaver Creek!

One thing I noticed about Brisbane this time was that it seems to be the epicentre of Ute Culture. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of the "ute", it is a "utility vehicle" that is half car and half truck. In the UK we would generally call it a pickup truck, and would associate it with farmers and hillbillies from the Deep South of the USA. But in Australia, these are flash, sporty, and no-one would ever, EVER consider putting anything in the back. Amy's brother-in-law is building a patio, but none of the building materials or dug-up earth are allowed in the back of the ute because they "might scratch it". It's a bloody ute! Use it like a ute! It's like having a really posh kettle and saying to guests "we don't like to use it to boil water, in case it leaves an unsightly calcium deposit inside". The Ute is an Australian icon, one of the things which "makes Australia great". Other quintessential Australian artifacts include the gas-powered BBQ, the politically incorrect cheese called "Coon", and Vegemite. Australians will vigorously and aggressively defend Vegemite, although the rest of the world knows that Marmite is infintely superior (actually, there isn't much in it, but it's great fun to winding up the Aussies). Whist in a department store in Sydney, looking for a travel adaptor, I was highly amused to see Vegemite being sold as a travel accessory. You look along the shelves in the travel goods section..... Travel Wallet, Padlock for suitcase, Earplugs, holiday-sized tube of Travel Vegemite!

The rest of my Brisbane weekend was spent catching up with more old faces from the past. I spent a lovely afternoon having a picnic by Brisbane River with my ex, Donna. She is pregnant with twins and has that fabulous pregnant glow that some mothers-to-be have. Then I met Jay in the evening, whom I travelled with in Central America back in '97. Curious coincidence about Jay. I met a girl in Perth in 2000, a crazy Irish girl called Aoife who most of you know. She had answered an advert I had placed in a hostel about a road trip to Darwin. She mailed me and gave me her blog address. She asked me to have a look and see if she was the sort of person I would like to travel with for four weeks. I went to her site and clicked on a picture at random. The picture opened up, and there is her and Jay enjoying a beer together in Kathmandu! Small world.

Anyway, that night in Brisbane I met Jay in a restaurant which can only be described as a steak-lovers paradise. They have a number of cows wandering around at the back, and you pick which cow, and which part you want. They butcher the cow and you get your steak. Sorry, brief moment of exaggeration there. (I've been told a MILLION times not to exaggerate). But you can pick your cut of meat, and the choice was staggering. They were all laid out on trays of ice for you to pick from How many cuts of beef can you name? Rump? Sirloin? Fillet? These are the Big Boys of the steak world, the choice cust which dominate supermarket shelves all over the UK. But here they also had T-bone, porterhouse, ribeye, new york strip, and even a couple I had never heard of before as a dedicated carnivore! I had mine medium rare. Anything more is a travesty and a waste of a cow. Unfortunately, Jay is a vegetarian, and doesn't share my meat-lusting desires. Just a quick note to the vegetarians out there - If animals aren't meant to be eaten, then why are they made of meat?

According to Hanif and Amy, Australia has a serious water shortage at the moment, due to lack of rainfall. Some of the freshwater reservours are down to 25%. The authorities have enforced water restrictions, and the restriction is currently Grade 5, which means a housepipe and sprinkler ban, and no topping up of household pools. There is talk of upgrading it to Grade 6. I asked Hanif what Grade 6 was. He has no idea, and neither does anyone else. They have never had to go that high before, so they are making it up as they go along. It probably means no washing of dogs no rinsing of pasta, and only washing clothes when they really start to smell.

From the throbbing metropolis of Brisbane, my next stop was Sydney. For the first few days I stayed with Andrew and Maria, and their adorable 8-month old son, Oscar. They had moved to Sydney from London four years ago. They were fantastic hosts, and I arrived on Monday night to a few cold stubbies and a good ol' Aussie BBQ. It was great to catch up with them both. They also lent me their car for a cheeky midweek roadtrip. I hadn't driven for five months, and it was something I have really missed since leaving England. So I nipped down to Canberra for the night to see Hanif, who is working down there during the week. I say "nipped' down to Canberra, but it was a four-hour drive, and probably an insane journey to make for one night on the tiles. But Canberra was the only city I hadn't visited on my road trip in 2000, so it was unfinished business. Plus I thought it might be a nice drive. How wrong was I? The Sydney-to-Canberra road is one of the most dull and uninspiring routes ever. A flat road with no beauty and no sights whatsoever. It was also devoid of civilisation, apart from signs to a small town called "Collector". Population 150, as the sign proudly proclaimed. I am assuming this is an estimation.

"I'm sorry sir, but you and your wife can't move to Collector"
"Why the hell not?"
"Well, you see, our population is 150. You will either need to wait for someone to pass away, or pay for a new sign that says 'population 152' "

So, I was in Canberra! The capital of Australia. Some people assume Sydney is the capital, but it's not. Not only is Canberra the capital, but it was contstructed for that purpose specifically. Apparently either Sydney or Melbourne should have been the capital, but there was intense rivalry between the two cities, and to nominate one over the other would have caused immense problems. So the first step was to create Canberra, a purpose-built, artificial capital city. The next stage was to create an area around it called the ACT (Australian Capital Territory), so that it was not in either of the Melbourne/Sydney states. As a result, you get a soulless city with no history, no architecture of note, and no nightlife. The capital of a country should be it's beating heart; commercially strong, socially hectic and touristically popular. Not a lame, sterile, insipid concrete waste of space. Am I being harsh? Think of Canberra as the opposite to a Carlsberg advert, done by McDonalds instead - "McDonalds don't do cities, but if they did, they'd probably be the blandest cities in the world". And imagine the unsuspecting tourists who go to visit Australia's capital unawares, expecting rich culture and satisfaction. It would be like booking theatre tickets in the West End for Phantom of the Opera, and getting Rod Hull and Emu instead.

I had a great night out with Hanif, and then left Canberra the next day, as fast as my four wheels would carry me. I only stopped for a meat pie for breakfast. But what a pie! Australia has no cuisine of it's own to speak of. Aussie food is a mishmash or recipes begged, borrowed and stolen from around the world. The closest thing they have is the humble pie, which they do spectacularly well. It's almost an art form, and in my opinion is the finest meat pie in the world. (Adelaide does an interesting twist on the meat pie, which is the "Meat Pie Floater", a meat pie served in a dish, floating on a sea of mushy peas). Having eaten several thousand pies in my life, I consider myself to be something of a pie connoisseur. So I was very interested to see a new design of pie in Canberra: "The Roadster". All petrol stations in Australia sell hot pies, but there are inherent dangers in eating one whilst driving. The filling-to-crust ratio is usually fairly high in your typical round pie, which means there is a high chance of spillage. And the last thing you want is hot, meaty sauce falling on your thigh whilst driving at 110kph in the fast lane. The "Roadster" solves this. It is a very long and narrow pie, similar in proportion to a sausage roll, but maintains the basic pie shape of a flat top and rounded underbelly. The width is mouth wide, so you can chomp your pie quite happily whist driving without fear of interior spillage. Genius! Although it's quite sad that the best thing I can say about Canberra is a meat pie which I bought at a petrol station on the way out!

On the way back from Canberra, I noticed a phenomenon which I call "gradual overtaking". All cars in Australia have cruise control, where you reach the speed you require and flick a switch so that the car automatically maintains that speed. The speed limit here is 110 kph, and people generally stick to it. Now, the cruise control is not an exact beast, so people flick cruise control at 110 kph, but it might actually be 109 kph or 111 kph. And what happens is this: You get a car in the slow lane doing 109 kph on cruise control, and the car behind is doing 110 kph on cruise control. Slowly but surely, over a number of kilometers, the car behind catches up with the car doing 109. It flicks it's indicators, and goes for the overtake! But they guy overtaking doesn't accelerate, because that would mean resetting the cruise control. So he slooooowly overtakes the other car, going faster by a mere 1 kph. The whole process is excruciating, and it can take up to five minutes for the car to pass. It's like watching Formula 1 Snail Racing. I'm not a slave to the cruise control, so I normally boot the accelerator briefly to speed me past the car on front, then resume normal speed.

The next stage in my Sydney adventures was a large night out with the old Strathleven crew (the Brixton party house where I lived circa 2001). Kym/Duds works in Sydney, and my evil twin Ben was flying up from Melbourne. Also out for the night were

1. Anne-Marie from Ireland
2. Hanif and Adam, driving up from Canberra
3. Andra, aka "The German Bitch" (she was widely known as the German Bitch in Brixton, and didn't mind at all)

Whilst drinking some leisurely ales outside a pub in Kings Cross, we were in the midst of a huge street brawl. One guy punched another guy, then that guys mates piled onto the puncher, then HIS mates joined the fray. Punches were flying, people were getting kicked, and passers-by got caught up in the madness. Soon it had turned into a mass street fight of about thirty people. Even the girls were involved. I saw one girl attack a guy and get punched to the ground. It was brutal. One guy picked up a metal patio table and was about to throw it when he was tackled by two guys. The bouncers soon waded in, and after a few minutes managed to establish control, with the respective groups sloping off to lick their wounds. Afterwards, one guy came up to us, really hyper, excited and talking fast. It seemed like he was on speed or something. "Did you see me? DID you SEE me?" he shouted as he danced and bounced around. "I saw the fight and got stuck in. Did you see me?" He starts leaping around and punching the air, whilst giving a narrative of the blows he supposedly threw. "I hit this guy, then I came over here and punched another guy. DID YOU SEE ME?" he crowed triumphantly. Oh yes, I saw him. He did nothing. I noticed him halfway though the fight, sneaking past people to pick up a packet of cigarettes that someone had dropped. He was still carrying on with his demonstration in front of us "....and then I picked up a table". At this point he starts lifting a table from the floor and raising it above his head. A bouncer walks over and casually says "what do you think you're doing?" He looks sheepish, slowly and carefully lowers the table to the floor and slinks off.

We ended up at a pub-club called The Colombian, where I was introduced to a drink called a "Jager Bomber" by a random Aussie girl wearing a Hooters T-shirt: Red Bull mixed with Jagermeister, killer drink! It was a long and messy night, and we went to a sidewalk cafe at 6am for a sobering coffee outside in the sunshine. Bed finally claimed us at 8am, and Ben, Kym and myself slunk back to the hotel room we had booked.

Whilst in Sydney, I noticed a large number of moths everywhere. In toilets, bookshops, bars, and in taxis. I even found one in my rucksack. Everywhere you go, moths, moths moths! It is a full-on infestation. Sydney is slowly but surely being taken over by moths. Entire buildings are being covered in a dark blanket of moths, and some people are clearing moths out of their houses by the hundreds. These winged menaces have targeted one building in particular - the Agriculture Department, which is the very department responsible for monitoring them! Well, now they can monitor them from the comfort of their own desks. Apparently these Moths migrate each Summer from Northen Australia to the cooler mountains in the South. But this year they have been blown off course by unseasonal winds. I don't buy it myself. Out off all the places they "randomly" blow into, it just happens to be Australia's busiest city? They've come for some party action, to see how the big city moths live, and to get a decent pint of lager. That's my theory anyway.

The next stage of my whirlwind social visit was brunch with Bramo (Kylie), another ex-flatmate from the Brixton house. She has a gorgeous bay boy called Ethan. It's a baby epidemic, everyone is at it! I had better hurry up and father a few

And last on the social-hopping agenda were Lili and Jane, who had returned down-under from London a few years ago. Lili was one of my first friends in London when I moved South in 1995. Lili has just bought a house in Surrey Hills, and Jane and myself helped her to move. Her flat is FANTASTIC, and has a communal terrace and pool on the roof! On Saturday we went to an open air festival which was five minutes walk from Lili's flat, and ten minutes stumble back. We partied at the "Reckless Republic" stage, which was playing pumping house and dirty electro. Good to see Sydney has some decent dance music! It was awesome, dancing in the sunshine overlooking the skyscrapers of Sydney. Then is was back to Lili's flat for an impromtu housewarming.

So, a busy time was had in Australia. Road trips, eating pies, catching up with old friends, dodging moths and meeting babies. BIG thanks to everyone who played host to me. Hope to see you again sometime soon!

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Photos

The Great Unsolved Mystery
Why does Australia have Richard Gere in drag on the back of their ten dollar note?

Hanif and Amy
relaxing on the beach at Mooloolaba

the Aussie Ute
this is a fine specimen. Just look at all that room at the back for putting nothing in!!!

Anna
Hanif and Amy's daughter. Number 1 in a series of 2

Arwen
Hanif and Amy's daughter. Number 2 in a series of 2

Andrew, Maria and Oscar
my excellent hosts for the first part of my Sydney experience

Kym and Ben
the beers were flowing....

after a hard night's partying
not looking too bad for 6 o'clock in the morning

Bramo and Ethan
enjoying a bacon sandwich in the sunshine

open air festivities!
Myself, Jane and Lili, grooving at the Surrey Hills Festival

Lilster and the Lobster
sunshine and smiles all round

the skyline of Sydney
the view from the rooftop of Lili's new flat

glorious Sydney
the view from the Festival