Internet Cafe Sun Shelter

It is the hottest part of the day and the sun was burning a hole in my head, so it was time to use my internet access card.

So here is the tale of Swallowtail Cafe, one of the highlights of my time in Japan. i have seen the future and it is swallowtail-shaped.

There is a big trend right now in Tokyo for 'butler cafes' which are, as suggested, cafes or restaurants where the serving staff are dressed like butlers, in coat-tails and pocketwatches and white gloves and the like. These cafes are done up in a faux english tea room/tea at the ritz-style, so it is a bit special to go there. the cafes are aimed exclusively at girls, from school-going to 20-something workers, because the idea is that these butlers are all hand picked from the cutest, most gay porn manga-like boys, dressed up like eton's finest, and are paid to be wholly and overly subservient to their girl clients. I read about Swallowtail in the Guardian a few weeks ago and added it to my list of japanese oddities to check out.

Indeed, it delivered on oddness. I was transfixed the whole time I was there, and as there was a no photo policy I took notes on my trusty minmi notepad under the table throughout my 90 minute stay, so that i can describe it to you.

So first of all, I was lucky to get in at all. Apparently Swallowtail is the first and original of tokyo's butler cafes, and is fully booked weeks in advance. And it has cleverly added to its sense of mystery and naughtyness by hiding in the basement of a manga store, with a small stairway so unobtrusive in appearance that I walked right past it several times in my 2 hour search for it. It was indeed underneath K-Books manga store as the Guardian said, but the guy I asked in my broken japanese directed me halway across Ikebukuro instead of simply pointing downstairs, so I was on a wild goose chase and only when I returned to the store and prowled for girls shopping for their tentacle porn manga that looked like they could help, did I get lucky; the two schoolgirls, blushing and giggling at the word 'swallowtail' (making the prospect of finding it that bit more exciting if it was a source of giggles) kindly led me straight to the door of the cafe, and then practically ran away.

Going down the staircase which was dimly lit into a small entrance lobby, i met with two of these butler boys in their finery and cool hair. they asked, 'reservation'? i explained that i didnt have one but i was from england 'and please can i come in for a cup of tea'? (i hammed up the englishness in case novelty value helped my cause. I think it did). they gestured to find out if i was alone. then they scuttled away for a few minutes and returned telling me in broken english to come back in an hour for a table for one. brill!

on my return about 4pm there was a large queue of girls who must have had bookings. I walked past them as they stared me out and the butler boy remembered me, and called me in with a bow, to sit in the lobby next to two other girls (I was the only english and the only tourist - brill). This was my introduction to the japanaese take on 'posh' and 'old' english; basically the lobby was done up like a harvester or the entrance to a beefeater, with fake creeping ivy, fake mahogony wood fixtures, fake crazy paving and those pikey patterned glass doors that boysie from only fools and horses might have had in his mock tudor mansion. to the left of me was the exit door from the cafe which was purposely only opened enough for people to squeeze out, ushered by a butler giving the deepest 90 degree bow and saying goodbye in almost girly, hushed tones, remaining bowed for a good few seconds until he was sure each girl had left. none of the exiting girls bothered acknowledging them, i guess in the spirit of the subordination thing. to my right was the entrance door which was the same thing. so it was all done very secretively. i started wondering if if 'cafe' was a byeword for 'dungeon' or something. after a five minute wait a bulter collected with with a deep bow and escorted me through the entrance door into a small room with two more bulter boys, red carpet and mirrors. hmm.

the two butler boys had obviously been selected for their english skills, which was a nice touch. between them they welcomed me, introduced themselves, and told me that they were here to serve me and give me anything i want (jesus!). one took my larger bag to be stored and the other took my smaller bag and carried it for me on his arm as he led me through the cafe to my table, in the single table booths. i passed a large print of what looked like a part of the sistine chapel's ceiling, a couple of fat cherubs with their winkies out (again, nice touch!) in a fake gilt frame, then past a long glass cabinet of tea sets. we turned left into the cafe. it was smallish, with fake mahogony floors, a huge diamonte chandelier, silver services all round, and booths with really grannyish voile curtains. as i walked through the cafe each butler - there were about ten i think - bowed the full 90 degrees and softly and quietly said something to acknowledge me (i figure it was 'welcome, we are here to serve you' but it could have been 'die evil foreigner'). it was quite weird and very overly subservient! i felt oddly shy... i was turning japanese...all these boys in eton penguin suits buzzing round us bowing and serving....this must be what it feels like for japanese businessmen and geishas...

first thing i noticed as i sat down was that 90% of the clients were schoolgirls, who must have saved their pocket money up to drop by for afternoon tea after school (it was a monday) as they were all still in their uniforms. across from me there were two such diners quietly tucking into their cream teas and petit fours on a three tier silver set; i had to stifle my laughing when one of them, clearly so relaxed hidden away in this girls-rule boy-serve basement, she took leave of all japanese social rules and shovelled an entire cream cake in to her mouth in one go (it took a couple of strong shoves to fit it in but she went for it - good girl!). you would never ever see that outside! then a butler came up to them asking if they needed anything and they both started blushing and giggling, back into their well trained demure japanese girl routine when a boy was talking to them. however, they did seem to put in lots of ordering to him after that and he was on his way.
my butler came up to me and presented the menu, explaining it in broken but fully understandable english (enough to tell me the specific flavours of each petit four - impressive as none of them were older than 18 or 19). I rewarded them by upping my use of Hai and Arigatao, but realised that this was against the point as no one else was having much trouble going into order-giving, get-me-another-cream-bun-boy servant type conduct. the bows kept coming too. I was told that if i needed anything, i should ring the little brass bell that each table has. a little brass bell for god sake!
the japanese take on english silver service is cute. i ordered a traditional english cream tea with english breakfast tea of course. it turned up with a small tea pot that the butler covered with a tea cosy! a tea cosy for god sake! then he set up a collection of silver eating tools that looked like little fish slices propped on a small silver propping device. the sugar and milk were served in what looked like argos bone china, but the tea came in a proper posh bone china cup and saucer. the cream tea was like the cream tea of a parallel universe in that it did contain scones, clotted cream and jam, but the scones had an odd consistency, as did the cream. they were tasty though. and i was served the obligatory cucumber sandwiches, and smoked salmon sandwiches - both tiny tiny little triangles with no crusts, and full marks for importing butter for those too.
as i dined on my little english crea tea i made more observations. to my left through the granny curtain i saw a girl on her own delicately working her way through a ham and cheese toastie on a bone china plate and silver service knife and fork; i thought that rather amusing. to my right another lone girl was supping a tall cocktail and reading her manga. i noticed a few girls in a non-school group looking over to me; i gave them a big smile and there seemed to be a mutual 'its great to have boys waiting hand and foot isnt it' message seemed to be communicated between us entirely without words. then i noticed they were piping in mozart over the airwaves, punctuated by the delicate but piercing ring of lots of tiny brass bells all around me, butlers racing to answer them every few seconds.

I so wanted to ask the butlers about their job but they were no way gonna be into that, so I chanced on the girl to my right giving me some insight into the swallowtail philosophy. i said konnichiwa and gestured that the cafe was nice. she asked if it was my first time and i said yes; she told me it was her 7th. i asked her why she came here' she said 'relax'. i guess being served by boys who seem positively grateful to do your bidding is quite relaxing. I said, 'the boys are pretty' and she did the blushing and laughing thing, so she must have concurred.

deciding it was time to go i got up to leve but a butler gestured for me to wait until my personal butler could come and escort me out.... i paid and as i went to the exit door, the same two butlers who greeted me handed my bag back and asked if i had a nice time, then basically threw all their english niceities at me; "please wrap up warm, we do not want you to catch cold...please come back soon, we will miss you..." i was turning japanese again and blushing.....

10 out of 10 for a properly unique experience! arigatao japan-san.

I am now in Cairns since 4 am yesterday, which is a whole other kettle of fish. I spent yesterday hanging around, collecting info on the endless tours you can do (mostly focused on the great barrier reef, fishing, snorkelling, rainforest treks...) and getting some sun. When I arrived at cianrs ariport the sun was just coming up; the feeling of arriving in a new country with no local curency and no where to stay, all alone is really cool. but it was easy to sort stuff out, i got some cash out at the atm (cant use foreign cards in japan and anyway their atms close at 7pm!) and got on the bus into the CBD (central business district, or centre of town). got off on the esplanade by the sea and walked until i came to a hostel that was open, and checked in at the belleview - a rather crummy motel type place that could be dame edna everage's holiday home from the 70's.... but it is fun, and i was put into a dorm with 3 swedish girls on month's vacation from university. we all went out in town last night and had a super cheesy night in the backwater clubs and uv-lit bars.... today I am chilling out again but tomorrow I have booked a day trip to katumba on the old railway. Tuesday I may take off for cape tribulation a bit further north for some snorkelling and fishing over a couple of days.

x

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