Mothers in the lineup

A group of surfers sitting on their boards, waiting for waves is called a 'lineup'. This is an odd term to use when you compare it to how it is usually used. The term implies a structure and strict order. The nine players on a baseball team are assigned a position in the field and a place in the batting order. In a mug shot lineup, 7 characters stand in a row, holding a numbered card, with one alleged criminal and the victim tries to identify him. At a music festival, the lineup identifies the musicians and the time at which they will play.

There is no line in the surfers' lineup and there is no scorecard to tell you who is who. We don't take turns catching waves; there is no rotation system. We can sit wherever we want to sit. We come and go as we please. Typically, the best surfers sit outside waiting for the larger and better waves; less skilled and younger surfers sit on the inside waiting for table scraps. But that is not always the case. Sometimes the larger waves are infrequent and you will see the best surfer in the lineup, waiting on the inside snatching the more frequent smaller waves. There are rules and order but they tend to be flexible, ever changing and nuanced. Sort of like the ocean itself.


"What do you guys talk about while you are sitting there waiting for waves?" I've been asked this question, usually by a female, numerous times over the years. The answer is s 'not much'. Women have a hard time believing this, but it is true. It is not dead silence out there of course. There is often a collective groan when someone takes a bad wipeout in front of everyone. There is some hooting when a surfer gets a particularly good ride. And some conversations might break out from time to time but they are brief and have a sort of caveman quality to them.

"Nice waves today."

"Yeah. Wish the winds were more offshore though"

"yeah."

"Where you from?

"Rhode island. You?"

"Long Island"

"mmm"

Again, there are exceptions and Jack is one of them. He will talk to anyone out there. So it was no surprise yesterday when I was paddling back into the lineup after riding a wave to see him talking with a woman. She was lying on a boogie board that was too small for her. Her bikini bottom was too small for her too and because she looked to be about 45 and that many pounds overweight as well, I looked away pretty quickly.

She was sort of floundering like a fish that has been caught and dropped on the pier; lots of flapping of arms and legs without any forward movement. She wasn't wearing flippers on her feet so I knew before I heard her talk that she didn't know what she was doing. Boogie boarders catch waves by kicking not paddling and without flippers it is impossible to catch waves.


'MY GOAL IS TO LEARN TO SURF BY THE TIME I'M FIFTY." she announced in a loud voice that grated as much as putting on a sandy, moist wetsuit.


'THAT'S MY SON MARK THERE AND MY DAUGHTER IS OUT HERE SOMEWHERE TOO."

"oH. GO MARK. THAT ONE IS FOR YOU." she screeched as a wave approached a cluster of six surfers.

GO MARK. GO. PADDLE HARDER."

I know I said earlier that the surfers' lineup rules are flexible and nuanced, but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER are mothers allowed to paddle out on a boogie board and cheer their son on. In fact, waving from the shore is frowned upon.

I've seen strange things in the lineup over the years. In Hawaii, I saw a group of surfers laugh at a guy who was drowning and screaming for help. He was in the military and it was 1974 and he was automatically the enemy of the 'soulful' surfers. In Mexico, I saw a huge dorsal fin move through the lineup and the surfers nonchalantly lifted the legs up on the their boards. I witnessed one surfer come in and get a club, paddle back out and start beating another who dropped in on him.

But a mother coaching her son in the lineup? NEVER.

Fly, Mirandi, and Crispin are a few of the local surfers and they all have adopted a sort of scowl in the lineup. They don't talk, look at you, or even acknowledge you even if they were just talking with you on the beach. It is their place and this is their way of letting you know and you have to respect that.

You never see them smile out there. Until yesterday when Mom was cheering her son on. Fly and I looked at each other with dumbfounded expressions and he broke into the biggest smile I've ever seen on him and I couldn't help myself and just started laughing out loud from embarasement for her and her son. Even Mirandi who had been loudly berating some tourist for dropping in on him, stopped and broke out laughing.


She however, was undeterred and LOUD.

'MARK. I THINK YOU WILL CATCH MORE WAVES IF YOU SIT NEXT TO ME."

"MARK PADDLE HARDER. YOU HAVE TO PADDLE HARDER."

"TAKE THIS ONE MARK. THIS ONE IS FOR YOU."

This sort of sideline yelling is bad enough at Youth Soccer games and little league games. But in a quiet surfing lineup? I've seen some strange shit in the lineup over the years, and this ranks in the top five of all time. But it got even stranger.

Her daughter paddled over to her. She looked to be about 15. Think back to your own age 15 and what you thought of your parents or recall what your own children thought of you at 15 and try to imagine this girl's thoughts, as she screamed at her mother. I'm reminded of the Mark Twain line that goes something like, "When I was 15 I was embarrassed by how stupid my father was but by the time I was 21 I was amazed at how much he had learned."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING MOTHER? YOU ARE SUCH AN EMBARrASSMENT. OH MY GOD. I CAN'T BELie VE YOU ARE OUT HERE. I HATE YOU.'

Rebuked, the mother is a bit more quiet now, but I can still hear her say,

" Am I embarrassing you? Alright, be like that, I'll stay out of your life and never interfere again."

"Will you please just get out of the water? You are in everyone's way.'

At that point, a beautiful wave appeared and Jack said to me, "Take it."

As I started paddling for it, the mother from teeange surfer hell was right in front of me. The guy going for the wave has right of way and if she knew what she was doing she would have paddled to her right and I would have gone to my right and we could have stayed out of each other's way. But she didn't know what she was doing and the more I paddled to my right, the more she paddled to her left and maintained a course of dead on collision. I somehow missed her by less than an inch and got a nice ride. She went over the falls backwards with a death grip on her boogie board and got washed to the shore and over the reef.

You can't make this stuff up.

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