San Francisco And the Chaps

San Francisco

Well we arrived into mighty San Francisco and I think I loved it the minute I saw it from when we were crossing over the bridge from Oakland. We got into the Greyhound station and searched for a motel. I rang on the courtesy phone for the 'Ram Inn'. I said "Hello have you got any rooms available tonight?" the guy on the other end was a maniac. "WHAT???" I tried to talk a little slower as I know not everybody can understand me the first time I speak to them....or the other thousands of times I speak to them and a little louder (that always works). " DO. YOU. HAVE. ANY. ROOMS. TONIGHT??" "WHAT??? Just words are coming out of your mouth. What are you saying?" I was getting a little agitated by this point, also after a 10 hour bus journey. In the end I just hung up on the little gimp. Sian then tried. This is the conversation.

Sian : Ello. Do you have any rooms?
Maniac: (Shouting) You come. I show you room. Then I give you rate.
Sian : Whooa, no thanks chap

It was Sians turn to hang up this time.

We then found another one and they gave us a reasonable rate so we decided to walk the 7 and a half blocks to the American Best Value Inn. We nearly collapsed. The bags we're doing our tits in by this point. We finally arrived and the place was awesome. By the first block to the 5th it was really nice. Then the next block had the Elvis song from the first blog entry going in our heads again. By the time we got to ours, it was nice again. We got settled and then went to get some food. Microwave burritos and a hot pocket was our dinner. Bleeding disgusting it was. Sian got a napkin stuck to hers and still tried to eat it......she'd eat anything. Fell asleep with indigestion.

The next day we decided was our lazy day. Get our washing done and generally chill out all day. So we went for al ittle walk, had some brekkie then went across the road to a place called 'Brain Wash'. It was a bar, eatery, internet cafe and a launderette. Pretty cool. We (Sian) did our washing (whilst Jav surfed the net). After Sian has said that, I should point out, it's best to stick to your strengths. Sian is an awesome washer woman (and Jav is a great at been lazy!) Cheeky scamp. I loaded up the dryer. After Sian spilt all of our fabric softener all over herself. So generally nothing day, had a row then went to sleep.

Next day, carried on our row. Made up before brekkie and all was well again. Decided to go on a mammoth walk. We worked out that it was about 15 miles. But to be honest, I think it was a lot more. Moral to this story. NEVER LET A WOMAN READ A MAP. (the streets were moving, it was not me or my map!) As you amy be aware, San Francisco is a very hilly place. And it feels like being at the gym. What we didnt need was to have a 45 minute walk for nothing. Due to Sian. We saw pretty much everything that day. It was really cool. We went by the piers including 39, we saw Chinatown, Fishermans wharf, Nob Hill and Downtown SF. It really is a cool place. Then we decided to have a dinner at this place called 'The Rainforest Cafe'. Was themed as a Rainforest believe it or not, with big ass gorillas and thunder storms everywhere. Sounds cool doesn't it? It was shit (Sorry for the cursing Boss). We both had Catfish. Sians tasted like Toadfish out of Neighbours. The two meals tasted nothing like each other. Ate what we could, then Sian complained (no i didn't she asked me why i hadn't eaten it and i said it was to salty (sounds rediculous i know but Javs tasted real different) so she gave it me for free). Walked home through Chinatown and saw the China Gate. Was alright. Nothing to write home about...oh. Went home, Sian was in bits with blisters. I was just in bits.

I might aswell tell you about the 'Chaps' now. Our area we was staying in was quite a trendy little place. Cool little places. But as you know. San Francisco is the Gay Capital of the World. It sure is. There was a shop down the way from us that sold nothing but....Leather. Leather everything! Everything a Gay man could want in an outfit. There was a truly amazing club called............'Chaps'. The fellas wore nothing but Chaps! I tried to go in but Sian wouldn't let us. I just wanted to get immersed in the culture of San Francisco. (He was running past so fast his little connies didn't touch the sidewalk) I tried to get Sian to go in the ladies version. She didn't. She's a spoilsport.

Next day was our last day. We walked to Postcard row, which apparently is SF's most photographed spot. (and it is where Mrs Doubtfire was filmed) Surely the guidebook must be wrong???? Surely 'Chaps' is the most photographed spot?? (Can't believe I didn't get a photo) We rode the cable cars. They were really cool actually. Everything except the waiting for them. Going was fine. Coming back was about a 40 minute wait. And they were leaving half empty!!! 'These boats were tested with the weight of 100 Irish men.' And it was really cold. With the winds of San Francisco. Went to book ourselves the trip to 'The Rock' however the next tour was Tuesday and we were getting our bus to Seattle at 3. I just didnt think we could do it. Sian did. Had another row. Went to Levi's Plaza where we made up. This time, there was no breakfast though. Made our way back on the cable car and went looking round the shops. Sian had another blister. Walked back to the hotel. Then went out for a Thai. Pretty good. Not as good as the old Beau Thai however. Then went to 'Cassidy's Pub' Next door to the hotel, and can you believe I only went there once??? Had a guiness. Pretty nasty. Sian had a coke which tasted like Tudor Grange Swimming Baths as it tasted of chlorine (sp). Packed the bag and enjoyed our last night in the Inn. Ready for our 20 hour bus journey to Seattle, Washington.

Greyhound To Seattle

We boarded our Greyhound at 3pm on Tuesday 15th April 2008. All was going well. We were on a bus and had to change at Sacremento, California and then we were on the same bus for the rest of the trip. Got off at Sacremento, got onto our bus. I took care of the bags, I left Sian to take care of the seats. Now im sure to the day I die, that I will never truly know what was going through this woman's head when she chose the seats she chose. It just bamboozles me. I get on. I see her moving away from a two seater in the middle of the bus, to two seats together by the back of the bus.....next to the bloody toilet. As I write this now, Sian is sitting next to me giggling away to herself. Maybe she'll never know why she chose the seats either. But let me tell you. She's never choosing another seat in her life while im around. Back in 2005 me and Lee went to Leeds festival and the toilets smelt really, really bad. They were rank. But they had nothing on the toilet next to me and Sian for the next 18 hours. These toilets put simply. Smelt. Like. Ass. (Addie, remeber the really bad toilt at V, it made that look like a toilet you might find at the Ritz. Jav had to hold my nose everytime the door opened). I should of sat her in there as puinishment for christ sakes!! It was her choice. It didnt start of too bad. Only when the door was opened. However over the next couple of hours. The entire back of the bus was under a wave of smell. Now sitting behind us was a white man, who turned out was sikh, who turns out he looked like Jesus. He was wearing the whole white garb. But had a turban. Now this bloke was a warrior in the fight against the smells of toilets. God sent his son to the Greyhound bus to Seattle. And he was sitting behind us. He even made a wire lock to keep the door shut. He truly was brilliant. For some strange reason, the driver who resembled Martin Lawrence in 'Big Momma's House' thought that somebody was smoking weed in the toilets and kept on shouting "NO SMOKING IN THE TOILET, IF I CATCH ANYONE SMOKING BACK THERE, YOU'RE JOURNEY ENDS HERE" I was tempted to light up to get away from it all. But I had Jesus on my side. "NO ONES SMOKING BACK HERE LADY, IT'S THE SHITTY TOILET" The woman then replied "NO PROFANITY EITHER" Jesus replied "OKAY THEN!! IT'S THE TOILET FULL OF FAESCES (sp). That was that for awhile. Then the driver shouted again "NO SMOKING WEED BACK THERE!!!!!!!" Jesus was mad "THERE AINT NO-ONE SMOKING WEED, I SMELT HERB IN MY TIME, I AINT NEVER SMELT HERB LIKE THAT, IT'S FAESCES!!!!". All went quiet........Then, as Sian was drifting off (how she could sleep i'll never know) There were a few guys a couple of rows ahead. I saw him wripping the celafane off a dvd. Then he got his portable dvd player out. He only went and stuck on a blue movie didn't he!!! All of a sudden, there we're groans and moans coming from them seats "Oooooh" "Damn, look at them t*t*" more "OOOOOHS" Sian put her ipod on. Disgusted. I was trying to sneak a peek. All went quiet again, maybe a couple more "ooohs" but nothing much. Then. Jesus roared "I HATE THIS BUS IT STINKS OF SHIT" Some words for a religious man. Sian was roaring laughing. We got a new driver at about 10:00pm. We managed to move to the front of the bus 'thank Jesus' not the one on the bus, the other one. Then the new driver went to check out what the smell coming from the toilet was...You just heard "Man Alive" He took us to a truck stop to use the bathrooms there. Nice bloke. We then set forth and carried on through the night. Managed to sleep for a little while but not much. Sian slept through it all. Lazy Git. (Was easy to sleep with my neck pillow, thank you Carole) Then we arrived in Tacoma, Washington. About 30 minutes from Seattle. The place i've wanted to go for ages!!! And especially wanted to get there after the 19 and a half hours on the bus. Just when we're about to leave.....the bus broke down. Something wrong with the rear tyres (or Tires in America) the driver didnt want to take the chance of them setting on fire. So we had to wait. Starving, knackered, no fags. Waiting for another bus, only 30 minutes away. Rubbish. We waited for about 1 and a half hours. Had our breakfast of pop tarts and a bear claw, sian had a packet of Chedder Cheese and Sour Cream Ruffles. The breakfast of champions. I went and bummed a fag of this girl who gave me 3 actually! Good girl and she also told me im from the Country where her favourite model was from. (I was expecting Jav to say Kate Moss, reasonable suggestion i thought. i couldn't have been more wrong!) "Katie Price, YEAH!!!" She actually did do the "YEAH!!!!" She apparently loved the Katie and Peter show, never misses it. Gimp. Thanks for the fags though if you ever read this woman. Then our bus turned up. And we set off on the 30 minute ride to Seattle. All in all, the 'Greyhound' was more like the speed of a Pug..............

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