Accurate Translation of the Bible

I watched last night's Colbert Report as he made jokes about www.conservapedia.com and the Conservapedia bible translation project. Visiting the site to add my own conservative re-translation of the Bible, I found it blocked from accepting new contributors. Who knows if this is related to Colbert's challenge to viewers to "write me into the Bible", or if it's just regular policy at this heavily-administrated, heavily bureaucratic corner of the web. I couldn't add my Bible translation there, but I could try to learn where these guys are coming from.

I agree with the Conservapedia folks on a couple of crucial points: modern English-speakers do have problems understanding the original language of the Bible, and we have trouble using our own language to house the true meaning of the Bible. Much of what we are able to comprehend is lost in the translation process, but I also agree that the King James Version is the best Bible we have in the English language. Based on my knowledge of the religion and philosophy of Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Israel, Moses, David, Solomon, Elijah, Jesus, Muhammad, and their kin, I have re-translated the first three chapters of Genesis from the King James Version as accurately as possible. This is an ultra-conservative, ancient, and orthodox interpretation of doctrine, using the first-person singular pronoun and the present-tense to remind us that God is singular, God is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, and God is a verb. I am that I am.

Everyone is talking about an accurate translation of the Bible. I think the most accurate is probably in your DNA, or recorded across the complex circuitry of your mind. Maybe the best Bible is Iration itself: the intricacies of nature’s many marvelous plant and animal structures, the massive complexity of the star systems. Man’s history, whether that of his land and people, or his own biography, is also the Bible. I say that the most intimately powerful Bible translation is in your heart, in your own consciousness, in the holiest of holies itself. This is the Bible I read. This is the one that tells I to write the Bible like this:

Genesis
Chapter 1
In I beginning I create I heaven and I earth. And I earth am without form, and void; and darkness is upon I face of I deep. And I Spirit of I moves upon I face of I waters.
And I say, let I be light: and I am light. And I see I light, that I am good; and I divide I light from I darkness. And I call I light Day, and I darkness I call Night. And I evening and I morning am I first day.
And I say, let I be I firmament in I midst of I waters and let I divide I waters from I waters. And I make I firmament, and divide I waters I am under I firmament from I waters I am above I firmament: and I am so. And I call I firmament Heaven. And I evening and I morning am I second day.
And I say, let I waters under I heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let I dry land appear: and I am so. And I call I dry land Earth; and I gathering together of I waters call I Seas: and I see that I am good. And I say, let I earth bring forth grass, I herb yielding seed, and I fruit tree yielding fruit after I kind, I seed is in I self, upon I earth: and I am so. And I earth brings forth grass, and herb yielding seed after I kind, and I tree yielding fruit, I seed is in I self, after I kind: and I see that I am good. And I evening and I morning am I third day.
And I say, let I be lights in I firmament of I heaven to divide I day from I night; and let I be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years. And let I be for lights in I firmament of I heaven to give light upon I earth: and I am so. And I make two great lights, I greater light to rule I day, and I lesser light to rule I night: I make I stars also. And I set I in I firmament of I heaven to give light upon I earth. And to rule over I day and over I night, and to divide I light from I darkness: and I see that I am good. And I evening and I morning am I fourth day. And I say, let I waters bring forth abundantly I moving creature I hath life, and fowl I may fly above I earth in I open firmament of heaven. And I create great whales, and every living creature I moveth, which I waters bring forth abundantly, after I kind, and every winged fowl after I kind: and I see that I am good. And I bless I, saying, be fruitful, and multiply, and fill I waters in I seas, and let fowl multiply in I earth. And I evening and I morning am I fifth day.
And I say, let I earth bring forth I living creature after I kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of I earth after I kind: and I am so. And I make I beast of I earth after I kind, and cattle after I kind, and every thing I creepeth upon I earth after I kind: and I see that I am good.
And I say, let I make man in I image, after I likeness: and let I have dominion over I fish of I sea, and over I fowl of I air, and over I cattle, and over all I earth, and over every creeping thing I creepeth upon I earth. So I create man in I own image, in I image of I create I I; male and female create I I. And I bless I, and I say unto I, be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish I earth, and subdue I; and have dominion over I fish of I sea, and over I fowl of I air, and over every living thing I moveth upon I earth.
And I say, behold, I give I every herb bearing seed, I am upon I face of all I earth, and every tree, in I I am I fruit of I tree yielding seed; to I I am for meat. And to every beast of I earth, and to every fowl of I air, and to every thing I creepeth upon I earth, wherein I am life, I give every green herb for meat: and I am so. And I see every thing that I am making, and, behold, I am very good. And I evening and I morning am I sixth day.

Chapter 2
Thus I heavens and I earth I finish, and all I host of I. And on I seventh day I end I work which I make; and I rest on I seventh day from all I work which I make. And I bless I seventh day, and sanctify I; because that in I I am resting from all I work which I create and make.
I am I generations of I heavens and of I earth when I am creating, in I day that I I I make I earth and I heavens, and every plant of I field before I am in I earth, and every herb of I field before I grow; for I I I am not causing I to rain upon I earth, and I am not I man to till I ground. But I go up I mist from I earth, and water I whole face of I ground. And I I I form man of I dust of I ground, and breath into I nostrils I breath of life; and man becomes I living soul.
And I I I plant I garden eastward in Eden; and there I put I man I I have form. And out of I ground make I I I to grow every tree I am pleasant to I sight, and good for food; I tree of life also in I midst of I garden, and I tree of knowledge of good and evil. And I river goes out of Eden to water I garden; and from thence I part, and become into four heads. I name of I first is Pison: I am I which compasseth I whole land of Havilah, where I am gold; And I gold of I land is good: I am bdellium and I onyx stone. And I name of I second river is Gihon: I same am I that compasseth I whole land of Ethiopia. And I name of I third river is Hiddekel: I am I which goeth toward I east of Assyria. And I fourth river is Euphrates. And I I I command I man, saying, of every tree of I garden I mayest freely eat: but of I tree of I knowledge of good and evil, I do not eat of I: for in I day that I eatest therof I am surely dying.
And I I I say, I am not good that I man am alone; I am making I I help meet for I. And out of I ground I I form every beast of I field, and every fowl of I air; and bring them unto Adam to see what I am calling I: and whatsoever Adam calls every living creature, I am I name thereof. And Adam gives names to I cattle, and to I fowl of I air, and to every beast of I field; but for Adam I am not found I help meet for I. And I I I cause I deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and I sleep: and I take one of I ribs, and close up I flesh instead thereof; and I rib, which I I I take from man, make I I woman, and bring I unto I man. And Adam says, I am now bone of I bones, and flesh of I flesh: I am called Woman, because I am taking out of Man. Therefore do I man leave I father and I mother, and do cleave unto I wife: and I am being one flesh. And I am both naked, I man and I wife, and I am not ashamed.

Chapter 3
Now I serpent am more subtil than any beast of I field which I I I am making. And I say unto I woman, I, am I saying, I do not eat of every tree of I garden? And I woman says unto I serpent, I do eat of I fruit of I trees of I garden: but of I fruit of I tree I am in I midst of I garden, I do say, I do not eat of I, neither do I touch I, lest I die. And I serpent says unto I woman, I do not surely die. For I doth know that in I day I eat thereof, now I eyes are opening, and I am as I, knowing good and evil. And when I woman see that I tree am good for food, and that I am pleasant to I eyes, and I tree do desire to make one wise, I take of I fruit thereof, and do eat, and give also unto I husband with I; and I do eat. And I eyes of I both are open, and I know that I am naked; and I sew fig leaves together, and make I self aprons. And I hear I voice of I I I walking in I garden in I cool of I day: and Adam and I wife hide I selves from I presence of I I I amongst I trees of I garden. And I I I call unto Adam, and say unto I, where am I? And I say, I hear I voice in I garden, and I am afraid, because I am naked; and I hide I self. And I say, I tell I that I am naked? Am I eating of I tree, whereof I command I that I shouldest not eat? And I man says, I woman whom I give to be with I, I give I of I tree, and I do eat. And I I I says unto I woman, what am I that I am doing? And I woman says, I serpent beguiles I, and I do eat. And I I I say unto I serpent, because I am doing this, I am a curse above I cattle, and above every beast of I field; upon I belly do I go, and dust do I eat all I days of I life: And I do put enmity between I and I woman, and between I seed and I seed; I do bruise I head, and I do bruise I heel. Unto I woman I say, I do greatly multiply I sorrow and I conception; in sorrow I do bring forth children; and I desire is to I husband, and I am ruling over I. And unto Adam I say, because I do hearken unto I voice of I wife, and do eat of I tree, of which I command I, saying, I do not eat of I: cursed am I ground for I sake; in sorrow do I eat of I all I days of I life; thorns also and thistles do I bring forth to I; and I do eat I herb of I field; In I sweat of I face do I eat bread, as I return unto I ground; for out of I am I taking: for dust I am, and unto dust am I returning. And Adam calls I wife’s name Eve; because I am I mother of all living. Unto Adam also and to I wife does I I I make coats of skins, and clothe I.
And I I I say, Behold, I man is become as one of I, to know good and evil: and now, lest I put forth I hand, and take also of I tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Therefore I I I send I forth from I garden of Eden, to till I ground from whence I am taken. So I drive out I man; and I place at I east of I garden of Eden Cherubims, and I flaming sword I turn every way, to keep I way of I tree of life.

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