Everything Is Bigger In Texas

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Everything Is Bigger In Texas

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand welcome to the weekly-ish update of Tris's American Antics, taking you behind the scenes of the most audacious world trip ever!! I'll refrain from using big claims to make myself sound more impressive starting........now.

Last week found us in Page, Arizona, so we'll kick it off from there.

Fresh from a good night's sleep and a load of washing courtesy of Mrs Burke, we set out on the afternoon of the 18th on the way to Phoenix, by way of a hole in the ground made famous by the fact that it is, in fact, a FUCK-OFF hole: The Grand Canyon. Much of which can be said about this natural icon has already been said, but a few things must be pointed out, in order to give those who have not visited some scope:

#1: It is fucking massive
#2: Tourists are retards (present company excluded)
#3: Government endorsed pictures of people vomiting are really funny (see attatched)
#4: It is quite inconveniently located....it should be re-located, London Bridge style, to Phoenix or somewhere near a major international airport.

Basically, look at the photos. Try and see the people and how small they look. It's pretty damn big.

Anyways, moving on, we arrived in Phoenix to once again absue the hospitality of Chad. We promptly headed out to shoot some pool and sink some cheap booze. Achieving both these goals at a cool spot (whose name I don't remember, stay tuned....it was across the street from the "Hippy Gypsy," I remember this much) with a hot waitress. Good times ensued, a pleasant, relaxing evening. There were a bunch of posers playing pool there, coiffed tossers taking the game really seriously, who still managed to fuck up their breaks! Hahaha, it made for great viewing, just like back home, making fun of the idiots.

The 19th found us feeling very un-motivated. Chad and I awoke early to have Breakfast with an old schoolmate, J'vonne Stancombe. I had brought a bunch of Australian lollies over for her in return for her sending me some Jolly Ranchers, gum and Peanut Butter M&M's a few months back. However, the combination of chocolate, a backpack and extreme in-car conditions meant that most were ruined, only the ever-resistant Jaffas and Fantales were solid enough to hand over. An enjoyable breakfast reminiscing took place, and I definitely regret that we all couldn't hang out more. However J'vonne was heading back up to Page, and we were planning on hitting a Major League Baseball game that night, but the combination of trying to get our A/C fixed up, helping/watching Chad fix HIS car found us at 9:00 without a plan, so we ended up seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, starring Johnny Depp. Good flick, I enjoyed it heaps more than the original, and Tim Burton musta been tripping balls the enTIRE time during filming, its a whack trip. Definitely worth watching though. It is here that we said our goodbyes to Chad, he was heading back to Page that evening. Cheers for all the help Chadly!

After hearing some good reports about the town, we left (VERY) sunny Phoenix on the way to Santa Fe, New Mexico, by way of the Biosphere, made famous in the ridiculous Pauly Shore movie, "Biodome." Anyway, I had already taken the tour of the Sphere, and so my excitement wasn't running too high, but Chris and Brad (both very keen Pauly Shore admirers) were pretty pumped, and thus very disappointed when we rocked up at 4:45 to find that it shut at 5. The lady was very nice however, and let us slink in for some photos. We found an open door and gave ourselves an impromptu 20 minute tour, no doubt worrying the lady who had so graciously allowed us "5 minutes to take some snaps." Getting into Santa Fe at around 1am, we couldn't find a decent motel that fell within our price range, so, hopefully for the last time, we slept in the van......in a motel's carpark. In reality it wasn't so bad, a little cramped, and the smell in that confined place definitely left something to be desired, as did a mysterious noise that I never could figure out.

Waking up as early as possible on the morning of the 21st, we hit I(nternational) H(ouse) O(f) P(ancakes) for some breakfast. Our waitress surely looked worse than we did, a friendly lady, but she looked like death warmed up. Regardless, we checked into the local hostel and proceeded to enjoy a nice nap, washing away any memories of the night before. Awaking around 2, we set off exploring this really cool town. It is very old-school, just like an old Mexican town from the movies, full of old churches and cottages. Our exploring came to an end when we found a cool bar, the Sleepy Dog, and enjoyed their hospitality for a few hours, meeting some locals and having a good time. On the advice of one the locals, Shane, we adjourned to another place whose name escapes me where I saw one of the more memorable things of the trip. Shane pocketed the black on his first break, thus winning the match. His Opponent then challenged him to do so again......for $100. Almost predictably, Shane again drained the black, winning 2-in-a-row off one shot. After heartily congratulating Shane, we took our leave and returned to the hostel to see out the day.

Arising late (as usual) we checked out of the Hostel and headed for Roswell, New Mexico, site of the first documented Alien Landing back in 1947. We arrived a little late to see the sites, so we had dinner at the 'Crash-Site Cafe' which was beautifully kitsch, checked into our motel and went for a drive into the desert to see if we could spot anything. Surprisingly coming up short, we retired to our motel for some required R&R.

The 23rd saw us getting up at 11:04, a fact I remember because the maid crashed our door down, demanding we get out so she could clean up. After calming her down by saying every Spanish word we know, we hurriedly packed and checked out, only half an hour late. We proceeded down Main Street to the Roswell Alien Museum, a pretty interesting way to spend a couple of hours. I wouldn't necessarily call myself a believer, but if Aliens arrived tomorrow, I wouldn't be totally surprised. See the photos for some interesting shots! After getting our fill of Aliens, we set out once more, this time heading for Austin, TX, home to camp pal Rachel Baylin. A fairly long drive later, we arrived in Austin around 11pm, and immediately commenced drinking, catching up around the pool with some beers, tequila and Gold Schlager, a new delicacy that tastes like cinammon. This night we turned in around 5 o'clock.

Rising around 3pm, we enjoyed simply not driving for a little while, before heading out on the town. Baylin had an exam the next day, so we were accompanied by her room-mate Beano. We ended up at the Aquarium, a joint selling $2 Long Island Iced Teas and $1.50 domestic beers. Availing ourselves of their services, we played several games of pool. Chris and I were a force to be reckoned with, taking some very serious players to school. Beano enjoyed her Iced Teas a little TOO much, and was soon cuddling the porcelain, accompanied by Brad, who wasn't looking too flash himself! Flush with our pool success, Chris and I waited for them outside while enjoying a nice slice of Pizza. The 2 drunkards didn't look like they could eat anything, and Beano's 8am start at work was looking increasingly unlikely, so we returned home courtesy of Baylin, taking a study-break to pick us up. Again we went to bed late, but a top night was enjoyed by all.

The 25th found us, once again, waking up well into the afternoon. Surprisingly, Beano had gone to work, but had obviously looked very average, so her boss had sent her home. We were all nursing slight hangovers, but felt well enough to venture out to dinner at Chuy's, incidentally the site of Jenna Bush's underage drinking a few years ago. An Enjoyable dinner had us feeling ship-shape, so once again we ventured out to enjoy Austin's night-life, ending up at the Crown and Anchor, and, just like the Cranker back home, this one had COOPER'S!!!!! It wasn't pale, and it wasn't on tap, but the Sparklings went down sweet. We felt, if only for a little while, that we were home. Many games of dart and pool later, we lobbed back home to watch Anchorman....again. It really is a top movie!


And so that has you caught up, and once again it has taken me fucking ages!! I appreciate all those who left comments, in response to your question, Stuart, yeah, I've seen some fuck-off steaks and it will be a cinch to grab a photo of the, umm, fuck-offiest.

Anyhoo, keep it rizzay kids, and stay tuned for another installment of the Travels of Tris, Brad 'n Chris!!

Love to all,

-Tris

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Photos

Fuck-off Canyon
Not Seen: The Fuck-off Canyon

I've Seen Grander
They shoukd have called it the "not that impressive canyon"

Government Sanctioned Vomit Pic
Golden.

Tris always keeps it Rizzle
Tris puts the Grand into Grand Canyon

Bisophere
Actually, it is a photo Brad took of a poster. But it looks damn impressive!

Anxious
Tris looks anxious as the car breaks down (For the last time!!) outside Tucson, Az

Happy Chappies
Happier times as our heroes ride once again.

Roswell is Whack
Title says it all.

Comments

[Gaz]

Bad Language
Trist I think you are using way too much bad language its really not a journey for the whole family to enjoy, try and tone it down a little. Im also finding myself reading through things before I show it to Kyles because you know how offended she can get, anyway apart from all of that enjoy!