Published: November 29th 2010July 26th 2010
Apparently the hottest club in America...don't remember it.
We got to Vegas and I won’t bore you with stories about how the lighted Vegas skyline leapt up from the desert, or how our room was baller, or how the girls were smoking hot, or how we stepped into the casino and were overwhelmed. People have written the same things countless times. Instead, picture 7 ragtag college students crammed into a 2 bedroom room in the priciest Strip hotel smoking bowl after bowl while taking swigs of whiskey at 4am in the morning.
And then all of us passing out hard.
We spent the greater part of the next day liquoring up and laying out in the European pool at our hotel. And here is where I make a slight aside.
A European pool, for those unfamiliar, is a pool where people can strip nude. Having not known this, my mind nearly melted when I walked out to the pool and noticed 16/16s lazily lounging around. Naked.
And here is where I started freaking out. What is proper etiquette at a European pool? Obviously I wanted to eye-fuck the shit out of these women, but that's creepy as fuck. But these women are obviously not
Vams in some hotel...calling for pizza? calling for strippers?
retarded—they're naked with the intention of being eyefucked. I had no clue what to do. As a man, you're expected to be creepy when tons of hot girls are strutting around naked...but socially you're supposed to appear disinterested.
After some lively debate, our little group formed some etiquette rules for European pools that you must follow.
1. Wear sunglasses. It resolves the “I wanna stare at you but not be creepy” vs “I want to be looked at but appear angry if a guy looks too long” debate. Asians don't need sunglasses for obvious reasons.
2. Be hot. This might seem like a no-brainer but countless times our eyes were seared with floppy, saggy breasts or love handles drooping over pussies. However, most girls are delusional about their hotness--“I'm beautiful in my own way” or the omnipresent “I'm beautiful inside”--so girls, try a test run online. Post some naked pictures and if the comments are “slut, whore, bitch” you should be fine...if the comments make fun of anything else, stop.
3. If you're a guy, don't undress. Another no-brainer.
4. If you're a girl, for some reason, guys will undoubtedly try to hit on you
Makes you feel like you won the money you used to buy them.
and it’s hard to pretend to be hard-to-get when your vag is exposed. Just get a creatin-enhanced super-Brody to push creepy men away.
5. Don't hit on the girls...it doesn't work and said super-Brody will crush you. And the girl might get creeped out and put her clothes back on. Don't ruin the fun for everyone.
6. Stay in the water until your boner goes away. Asians need not worry. Your boner won't show.
With these rules in place, one can navigate a European pool and not feel like a creep or a slut. Which will undoubtedly cause you to laugh because only creeps and sluts end up in European pools, but one most keep up a facade I guess.
So the first day was spent basically gaping at models tanning naked...
...and fast forward through some combination of 5 hour energy drinks, smoking up, losing in blackjack, winning in blackjack, losing big in blackjack, getting round after round of free drinks, grabbing Chipotle, passing out at the pool, waking up, staring more at naked women, passing out, smoking up, staring at more naked women, losing in roulette, trying out slots, walking the Strip, smoking up, drinking...
...and we end up 4am the last night.
I am walking through Wynn's casino with Kentucky. In my pocket is a bottle of hot sauce I must've stolen from Chipotle on one of the nights. In my other pocket is the last $20 bill (after bringing $300 in cash and pulling out another $200). I have on a suit that looks expensive as fuck, but on closer inspection is just some off the rack H&M suit barely breaking $100, but on even closer inspection, looks just as good after 3 nights of partying as Kentucky's designer suit.
My body wasn't responding to my brain, but my brain was 100% awake due to countless 5-hour energy drinks and the constant flow of oxygen being pumped in. It was surreal. I was awake. But my body wasn't. Stimuli took time coming in, orders to my limbs were sent out but they took time responding.
My contacts had dried up to the texture of concrete and in a desperate move, I took out the bottle of hot sauce and dab some in my eyes. My eyes start exploding in tears. Mission accomplished.
In one of those last, desperate, “here goes nothing” bets, me and Kentucky throw $20 each on black. And hit.
We start hugging and jumping up and down, I’m still streaming tears all over Kentucky’s designer suit and we must’ve looked like joyful soldiers celebrating V-J day in Times Square but instead we’re two idiots celebrating a $40 profit in Vegas’ ritziest casino.
In our unadulterated joy, we realize the dealer has spun the wheel again and we instinctively watch the ball spin and spin.
“No more bets.”
OH SHIT! Our chips (and our winnings) are still on black. Holy fuck! Holy fuck! I nudge Bryan and point to our chips. His face is aghast. We stare at each other in a look that probably mimicked a Polack’s face in the Fall of 1939.
We stare back at the ball as it slowly starts bouncing around…
And it lands on black. Pandemonium erupts from the two of us as we scream out thanks to the many Gods we don’t give a fuck about. We then immediately color out and gleefully count our combined $80. Three green chips and a red chip.
We vow to keep our winnings while we are still “ahead of the game” (blatantly ignoring the other $500 down the drain).
Except holding chips, or cash in Vegas is akin to holding a joint at a concert: you need to burn it. And the smart people always walk away. But that makes the smart people boring.
We are not boring. Or smart.
We have four hours until we drive back. We need to spend this money. We hear screaming to our left. Sounds interesting. We look and we see people jumping around a craps table.
Should we play?
But neither of us knows craps. We’re going to lose our money in an instant.
But we just won money.
But we have four hours to learn.
Oh, and look. A black guy is rolling the dice! They’re mad good at dice!
See how flawed and stupid conversations sound when taken out of the context of Vegas? And we are two grad students in Computer Science in one of the best Computer Science schools. We’re supposed to be the smart guys who wouldn’t even consider being in Vegas for a weekend. And even if we were, we wouldn’t be gambling. And even if we were, we wouldn’t be playing roulette. And even if we did play and won $80, we would walk away. And we certainly wouldn’t turn to craps because of archaic, racial stereotypes.
We walked up and the black guy immediately crapped out. We realized this was bad because everyone around us groaned. Trying to fit in, we groaned as well.
The next guy started rolling and we just started putting chips randomly around the table.
The crowd cheered and turned to each other for high-fives. We high-fived enthusiastically and…saw half our chips being taken away by the dealers.
Three hours later and we’re up.
We both have huge racks of chips. We’re both holding in exploding bladders to keep our place at the table. I have rings of Tabasco around my eyes keeping my contacts fully hydrated. My dress shirt has drips of Tabasco tears flowing down it. Kentucky’s shirt is a mirror image of mine because we’re hugging after every win.
And then a man walks up. Australian, judging by his accent. “I just won $300 dollars on roulette!” He boasts.
“Hey! Put some money on 10, its been hitting all night!”
“But I don’t know craps…”
“Who cares!? It’s guaranteed!”
“Alright! Fuck it! Mate, you better roll a 10!”
Kentucky is rolling. “I got you buddy!”
He rolls, everyone cranes their heads and the dealer yells out “Hard 10!”
The table explodes as everyone wins, but more importantly the Australian wins $600! And that was the defining Vegas moment for me, jumping up and down with fistfuls of chips, Tabasco-ringed eyes hiding the bags underneath them and getting Tabasco all over the felt, other people’s clothes, other people’s faces…and no one giving a fuck because we all just won.