Last Night in America

This will be my last entry from the US. I can't believe it. I've spent the day pretty quietly, pottering around the house here and chatting with Steph. Only managed to get out to the local supermarket - past the alleged ten storey undergound prison! - and cook dinner. My first homemade meal in weeks!!

I called Jon in DC to say goodbye, but somehow it doesn't seem real. It was nice talking to him and it made me realise I can keep in touch with the friends I've met here. But still it will feel weird being so far from where I've decided is my true home. I will miss it and them.

I can't connect with the thought that I'll be back in the UK and having to sort out so many things so very soon. I supposed it's been a fairy tale of sorts being here. I can only accept returning to the UK if I think of how I can make my life here happen. Somehow I will. I have wanted many difficult things before and made them happen, to some degree and in time.

There isn't much to add except to make a point about the wonderful Anish Kapoor sculpture in Millenium Park, Chicago which I forgot to mention. A completely reflective surface, the city shone from every angle in utter perfection. It's worth visiting the city just for that.

I suppose I have to look forward to my future as well as enjoying the present in order to stay sane - writing my book and sorting out/ finishing the other ones and getting them published will keep me entertained. I have writing courses to arrange and publicise too. Everyday beauties keep us upright. Life has its challenges, but I have to believe I will meet them well as I've met the ones I've faced here. I am scared though - I won't lie. Change is tough.

I will find it hard to leave Jon and Steph here too - they're such good people. I hate the world's size sometimes. I want to nip back and forth every week! I guess I have lots of people to stay with when I come again which will be nice - in NY, DC, Houston, Santa Fe maybe and here. I feel I have some roots now.

Okay, I may get another blog in tomorrow, but I may not. I'll treat this as my swansong and sign off. It's been a wonderful experience to write and know that people are reading my stuff straight off. I've also felt emotionally naked and idiotic for showing who I am. I've been concerned that people will not like this person who cries and feels too much, too often. But there I've been and that's a lesson in courage too. To let yourself be seen.

Let yourself take risks and run a little wild. Cry and cry when you have to as that's the only way forward. And let yourself feel love for yourself, the world in all its outrageous confusion and people who come to offer you something - as people always do. Be alive.

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