The people at truck stops along I-95 through North Florida are scarier than anything Halloween Horror Nights has to offer.

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North America » United States » Florida » Orlando
October 19th 2011
Published: October 20th 2011EDIT THIS ENTRY

OW OW OW OW OW OW. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I have no idea why I do this to myself. Sure it's kinda fun. But so is straight up whooping ass on some Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 on my paid for HDTV while sitting on my paid for couch in my underwear in the semi-privacy of my apartment just blocks off of the beach.
But my wife loves her some Halloween Horror Nights. She has been doing this since long before we were a couple. She takes amazing care of me. So I guess that is why I trudge along through the crowds of people who have no idea where it is and where it isn't proper etiquette to fart.
We left that quaint little beachside apartment of ours around 2 this afternoon with a list of errands that needed to be done before we could head south.
Cookies and titties needed to be mailed off to my kid brother who is getting ready to go to Iraq. That actually took 2 post offices to accomplish. We needed to stop at a local television station so my wife could pick up the 6th season of Supernatural on Bluray. It was a prize she won in a recent contest. Our pet turtle, Zilla, needed to be dropped off at the babysitters (Thanks Much, Mom-in-Law). The drinking money change jar needed to be redeemed at the grocery store. The Jeep needed air put in the tires. A whole paragraph and we are just now getting on 95 to get the hell out of town.
Somewhere south of St Augustine we stopped at a truck stop to fill up on gas. I am pretty sure when carnival people are not doing their carnival job, they are driving semi-trucks through North Florida. I took the time to smoke a cigar while we were there for the sole purpose of getting a few extra people watching minutes in. I am certain at least 3 of those people have murdered someone at some point and at least one of them probably still had the body in the truck.
I would like to take this moment to thank the Big Black Pick up with Palm Beach plates that was doing 100 down the highway. It's always nice having someone run point to flush the cops out. I made some great time thanks to that guy. Once we got in to Orlando traffic backed up as usual. It wouldn't be so bad if morons would just get the fuck out of the left lane if they are not passing someone. I reverted back to my Iraq Gun Truck driving days and the wife just closed her eyes as I rambled through the congestion.
We're staying at a hotel we have stayed at before. So finding it was a breeze. The Russian front desk clerk was baffled at gift certificates and a line built up behind us. She ended up just giving us our room keys and sending us to our room to have someone else bring our receipt or whatever up to us later.
After chilling in the room for a few minutes we grabbed some Burger King and we went to Universal.
We are only minutes from the park and since the only difference between valet parking and regular parking is $10, we decided to valet it. It is so much nicer to have such a short walk at the end of the night.
A security guard checked the wifes bag as we came up the escalator from the valet parking. Then we made our way through the crowd to the entrance to the studios where we basically had to go through an airport type security screening. I know now where TSA agents get night jobs.
The wifes BFF is down here. It's the same person she came to HHN with all those years before we got together. So of course we met up with her and her mom within 5 minutes of walking into the park. It was cool with me. I don't get much time to just stroll around by myself. Even though we were all together, they were in their own little world. I could have spent the night taking pictures of bimbos and the wife wouldn't have known it until she looked at the pictures. I really don't mind it. I can pay more attention to the details added into the park for HHN if I don't feel obligated to participate in conversation.
Wife, Wifes BFF, BFFs Mom, and I went through 4 mazes together, Watched the Bill & Ted show, rode Jaws, and I kicked all their asses on Men in Black. Bill and Ted is always the highlight of HHN for me. It's like a strip club breaks out in the middle of the park and I don't have to stick dollar bills in anyones butt crack. After Jaws, BFF Family went to get food, so the wife and I were on our own. We did another maze then found some pizza. While eating we realized we had 3 more days of this and only 3 more mazes. No point in making ourselves miserable trying to get it all done in one night. Easy decision to start heading back to the hotel.
But of course it couldn't possible be that easy. "Can we get your opinion on your experience?" the little survey worker asked as we just cleared the turn styles of the park. "Shit. Did I just hear my wife say yes?" I thought to myself. Here goes 15 minutes of my life I will never get back. I roam off to take pictures while she sits at a little computer monitor. Just as I reach the point of miserable and sit down, she walks up. I mean I wasn't even all the way sitting down. I was at the point where you are in the process of sitting down and have passed the point of being able to stop and just stand up. I think my heart broke a little at the thought of not being able to enjoy being on my ass for at least a few minutes. Luckily, valet isn't all that far to get to. I can make it. But wait!! It still isn't that easy. The TCBY that we all love and enjoy in Neptune Beach, just minutes from the apartment I could be sitting in, NEVER has Peach Sorbet. It must be a conspiracy against my wife. But never fear. The only other known TCBY on earth happens to be at Universal Studios City Walk. Up. 3. Flights. Of. Stairs. I'm not going up there. "Here's my wallet." I say to her. "I'll be right here when you get back." 5 minutes later she returns defeated. The Conspirators saw her coming. No Peach Sorbet For You!!!!! She spies Starbucks as we continue our exfiltration. Now she wants Hot Chocolate. But it too is higher above sea level than even she feels like climbing.
After a bit more walking, but not near as much if we hadn't used valet parking, and standing around longer than I thought we should have, my Jeep never looked more beautiful as she was rolled around to us.
Almost back to the hotel and damned if there isn't a Starbucks right freaking in front of our hotel. She does nice things for me, so I stop and buy her hot chocolate. At least it doesn't involve stairs. Walgreens is right next door to Starbucks. I can pick up some survival supplies like Dr Pepper, Oreos, and donuts.
Finally. With nothing else to distract us along our route, we make across the parking lot to our hotel, up the elevator, and into our room.
I guess I probably should have gone into more details about the individual mazes, and scare zones. But they are all always the same to me. Some glow in the dark. Some have bimbos. Some have midgets. They all have people hiding in the shadows waiting to jump out and make people scream. For a change I was able to walk through them without my wifes face buried into my back. Since she had BFF to walk with, I was able to hang back and watch them get scared. That was kinda funny to me. But the big guy behind me, that screamed like Rihanna after burning Chris Browns dinner, actually made me laugh out loud and point at him. Coming out of the maze he went on and on about how "That one guy really got me". No shit he got you. Woman. Now go try to save a little dignity and just become gay. Your girlfriend started walking way to close to me after your little escapade anyway. People are funny.
Maybe after I have done all of the mazes I will do a post dedicated to them. but really, once you seen one one year, you've seen it every year.
From Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida
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