Key-less

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It's official: I have no keys.

These past few weeks have been nothing short of a whirlwind. I deliberately pushed it off as long as I could. I knew once things started, it would be one long string of dominoes, and I really wanted to enjoy life as it was for as long as I could.
Finally, it hit me: I move out and pack the POD in 2 weeks. I have company coming in the middle. The clock is ticking...

One by one, friends came over to help me empty out my fridge and closets. Without them, there's no way I would have been ready when POD day came. It was really hard to stay on task and not just chat and enjoy what could inevitably be our last one-on-one together. After a friend's brutal accident last year, I am fully aware how precious time is with the people you care about. Make the most of it. And that seems hard to do when you're surrounded by half filled boxes and covered in duct tape and dust bunnies. But my friends are my family and this was their way of helping me do what I need to do to succeed and be happy.

I did manage to pull of some amazing achievements in the process of all of this:
1. I planned and celebrated my 30th bday. Yes, it's not for another few weeks, but I really wanted to celebrate the occasion with friends who have been around for 15 years and will be around for another 30. It was a fabulous time, one of the best birthdays I've had!
2. I disposed of all of my belongings in a responsible way. Meaning, I donated my furniture to a single mom with 3 sons and my car to a non-profit.
3. I managed to see a different friend almost every night. Sometimes they came to pack, sometimes we went out. But I did manage to carve out one-on-one time with most of the people I really wanted to. Not all, but most.
4. I came to realize that in this process I cannot please everyone, I cannot win every battle. I stopped trying. This is my experience, I need to do what I need to do for me. What do I want to remember, what do I want to get out of this? Probably not the same things others want. What can I do to make it a little easier, emotionally, mentally, and physically? Same rules apply.
5. I did all of this without my boss ever figuring out anything was going on. Sure, they knew I was moving in with my friend, Lulu, but the specifics of the thereafter.... details I simply didn't mention or elaborate on.

In the process of all of this, I also managed to fry my brain. I was moving so fast and doing so much (on so little sleep--wahoo, my body thinks I'm 22 again!! Who needs more than 4 hours?!?) that sometimes my brain would just forget that it needed to keep going. So many, many sentences have had long pauses in the middle while I wait for my brain to restart. It's better, but most people have been kind and understanding enough to just pause and let my brain catch up to itself. And then I can complete the thought that was there all along.
So please don't quiz me on anything that has happened in the past few months and we'll all be fine. This would include things like my current address, what you told me last week about your pet, or, shoot, I forget what else. Your feelings, opinions, and concerns I remember; facts, not so much. My mind's endless capacity for useless information is defragmenting.

So the POD was packed. I got it all in. With help from some pretty fabulous people. I gave my notice at work. I moved in with Lulu.

Lulu made me feel more than welcome. Having gone through a less than ideal move herself last winter (CA to MN in Dec, need I say more?), we can safely say that her understanding of my mental state is pretty darn good. She carved out space in her apt (thankfully a 2 bedroom) for me, and had a very "mi casa es su casa" attitude, and by the way, "I washed the floors just for you and would you like a beer??" Home Sweet Home.

The chaos continued. I could now make phone calls at work without having to nearly hide under my desk, but that didn't make them any easier. I cleaned out the dust bunnies and random bits from my apt. You couldn't tell I'd ever even been there. It's an eerie feeling. Almost like your existence has been wiped from the map.
I turned in my keys.

The good-byes continued. My friend, Robin, who was preparing to leave for Korea, stopped by among the boxes and dust bunnies for one last chat. Robin's a bit of a traveler (36 countries and counting) and taught overseas previously. He's doing it again this year. He's managed to ease my nerves and answer all sorts of bizarre questions over the past few months. ...and he keeps offering to answer more. Look out!!
I had another friend drive 2 hours to have dinner with me. Another took me to our favorite hangout. Another made me wild mushroom risotto from scratch. Another made me a meal comprised of Tibetan and Indian foods and even taught me how to make them... as best as I could learn. Another gave me one last grill out (something I didn't tend to get living in a city apt). And Jo fielded many, many phone calls, text messages, and emails and always managed to make me laugh. Claudia and Victor at work managed to put up with me before and after the telling of the boss. The need to vent, like when the POD people are being idiots and cal you mid-day, is so vital--they kept my head from exploding 😉 (tee hee!)

I decided to leave my 20s and my Minneapolis behind by chopping my hair (we're going to ignore the practicality of this move for now, since it kills the dramatic climax). 10" gone. Donated to kids with cancer. And for the first time in 15 years I have a head full of my natural hair color. It's like I'm rediscovering me.

My going-away party was ... I'm adjectiveless. Bittersweet. It was open-house style at my favorite brew pub in Minneapolis. No RSVP required. Yet, I had 4 good friends all call or email to cancel within 2 hours because they were either sick or their boss was sick so they couldn't make it. It meant a lot to me that they cared enough to let me know and that they really wanted to see me one last time. I had a few other no-shows who had sworn they'd be there, but such is life. The whole thing was ... I didn't know quite what to think or feel, so I just went with it. Some people will be there no matter what and some swear they will but communication will pitter down and eventually we won't talk anymore. It's hard because I want to have closure with everyone, especially those who I most likely won't keep in good contact with but have been so important to me over the years.
The most important people showed up. We laughed, we cried, we hugged. And took pictures. And hugged some more. And then they'd say something sweet and sentimental and fitting of the occasion and the sniffling would start again. And then we'd get mad at each other for making the other one cry. And then we'd laugh at each other. And then a different friend would come along and the cycle would continue.
And then we had an afterbar, graciously hosted by Lulu, and the fun and tears continued into the pre-dawn hours.
I was and still am emotionally spent. I didn't just move. I closed down my life.

Monday I made one last trip down to Iowa. Yes, Iowa. My great-aunt and uncle are still down there, and my grandparents are buried there as well. I wanted to say good-bye. This was one of those times where you know it's the last time you'll see them but I can't bring myself to admit it and I'm not 100% sure they realized it. (They're 85 and 89.) What do you say? What are final words that don't sound like final words? How do you make, "I love you and thank you for everything," sound like, "take care of yourself and thanks again!!" Especially when Uncle says there's no need to take another picture since he looks the same as he did last time I took one a year and a half ago.

I got back to Mpls that afternoon and donated my car. Turned in my keys. Key-less.

I felt like I was floating, not quite able to reach the ground.

Lulu made me Annie's mac and cheese and beer for dinner. The ultimate comfort meal. You can take the girl out of Wisconsin...

She drove me to the airport the next day. It was weird to do one last luggage check and not look for my keys.

One more move to go.

Reflections on AZ to come later.

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Photos

My POD
This is what's left of my apt! Can you believe I got it all in?

hair
10 inches always seemed longer