SPRING BREAK: North to Alaska (part two)

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"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing, out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself, if I could just come in I swear I'll leave, won't take nothing but a memory..." (ML)

I can't believe that my trip is almost at an end. It has been such a blast here in Juneau! I got to do so much more than I thought I would and even experienced some new things. After my last update, I went camping with Les, Louie, and Sara. On Monday morning, we headed off to Douglas and hiked up to the Dan Moller cabin which was about a 2.5 mile "more difficult" hike from Blueberry Hill that has an 1800 feet elevation gain. It was another gorgeous sunny day with some amazing views of downtown. Hiking is also a very personal, individual experience that teaches you a lot. I was a little nervous since Michigan has no hills and I haven't been hiking in a long time, but my time at the gym swimming really paid off as we took to the trail around 1 or so. It took about two hours or so to get up there and we often stopped to de-layer a little, catch our breath, and take some pictures of the gorgeous scenery. The last little leg was the hardest with the steepest incline, but we made it safely and explored the newly built cabin. It was just gorgeous!

The first night we took it easy (all except Louie who went out to scope the bowls out), made dinner and tea, and just talked before crawling onto the hard wooden bunks. The first night was rough with very little sleep as I had to keep turning over or I would stiffen up, but the stars were just amazing. There were so many out since we were away from the city lights! The next morning, we had a nice warm breakfast and then hiked up the ridge off to the right behind the cabin. It was a little intense as my snow-shoes starting slipping out from beneath me. I ended up just taking them off and scaled the snowy slope, gripping it like I was on a climbing wall. When I finally made it to the top of the ridge, I was just in awe of the view. You could see the Inside Channel since we were on the back of Douglas Island and it was just amazing at around 2000 feet above sea level! It was super windy, but I stayed as long as I could before I started getting chilly. The other three brought their snowboards and were going to board down so I snow-shoed (and slid part way) down a similar path we came up as the others headed to a little area less exposed to the wind to board down. As I was walking down the mountain, I kind of learned a little something about myself. When it got kind of difficult and I started sliding down this steep mountain, I just laughed when I fell back. A month or two ago, I was so sad that I would've just curled up and started feeling sorry for myself, but instead, it was such a nice adventure. And I looked out over the towering mountains as I got back near the flat, meadow spot and there was such a sense of tranquility. It was like they were saying, "We know you've struggled, but be at peace now, Young One." I have such anxiety about where my life is going to go, but up there, I thought only in seconds and minutes.

I met up with the others and for the rest of the day, we hiked, drank tea, melted snow on the heater, and I filmed them coming down the mountains on their boards. It was so peaceful and I quickly learned that life is about the people you make these happy memories with! Relationships can come and go, but good friends are worth more than anything else in the world and I'm pretty lucky to have such good ones. Later that day, I wrote in the Dan Moller cabin log and a little in my journal before the others came back and we all chatted with a snowmobiler. We saw the US Coast Guard helicopter hover nearby and we learned there is a big search and rescue training thing coming up next weekend with the Police Department, USCG, and Snowmobile Club. Later that night, we had another warm meal, some good drinks, and then I read a little before going to bed early. By the next morning, we were all excited to get home to shower so we headed down the mountain early and made it back into town around 9:30 or 10a.m. It didn't take very long to get down and actually kind of hurt a little more than going up.

The rest of the day was spent getting a waffle, showering, meeting up with a friend and her Dad for dinner, and then an early night at Lisa's. I tried my hardest to stay awake but was feeling a little sad and ended up passing out around 9:30 or 10pm from sheer exhaustion while the Northern Lights came out and danced across the sky. That's okay -- I've seen them a couple times before and once you see them, it's not a sight you'll ever forget. The next day, I loaded up the pup (Michael's dog Grunden) and met up with Sara for lunch then a trip out the road. We hit up Sunshine Cove and played with Grunden for a bit before making our way back into town and wandering to the Brewing Company where Les met up with us. I got an awesome new shirt and some coasters for my new apartment this fall before dropping Sara off and taking Grunden to the Mendenhall Glacier. He's actually a really well-behaved black lab, but he got really upset at some men at the glacier which was a little odd so I didn't stay long except to snap a couple pictures. Right when I walked in the door, the past called via text message which was super surprising, but then again, not really. It was one of the hardest conversations of my life and one I had been waiting for for a long time. I didn't get to say half the things I had wanted, but I attempted to make my peace and resolve certain issues. I just wanted peace with it all and to end things amicably, but that didn't really happy. After that, I felt surprisingly refreshed and pretty chipper as I headed off to a movie with my friend Katelyn.

The next day, Sara and I met up and went to the Shrine and the water was such a gorgeous greenish-blue color, but the wind made it next to impossible to stand outside. We tried and utterly failed as it just chilled you to the bone. So we went inside and I signed the guestbook (a ritual) before heading back to the warmth of the car. A nice lunch with Les and a couple hours later and we were out at the glacier, walking across the Mendenhall Lake which neither of us had ever done. It's a little further out than one thinks and we got some amazing shots of the broken ice, walked across the "bridge of doom," and were a little unnerved as we could hear a deep sound like a bass drum which was the ice melting and cracking. After we got to a certain spot, the sounds became more frequent and we decided that was far enough. It was pretty cool to be that close to the glacier and such an awesome sight -- much different than from the Visitor's Center. Next we headed down to Sara's place and pretended to do homework while really chatting with her "roommates" and just taking it easy for the night. When we put up the pictures from the day, Sara tagged one shot of me with my semi-hunched shoulders which I kind of don't like that I do. And she made the comment that I smile with my whole body which is why I look odd some times and I realized it's very true. And I've been smiling so much since I've been here which has just been great. I think a big part of it is that I've had someone around constantly. And Sara has been such a good friend as we've seen each other almost every day and whenever I remembered a past memory with THE GIRL or got a little sad, she was always there to listen and cheer me up. I'm thankful to have a friend like her, someone that will be there for life and is super easy to hang out and do chill stuff with.

Yesterday, I also got to meet up with Nichole, an old friend from Glacier Gardens whom I also missed more than I thought. I always admired her desire for life and her excitement. She also has a pretty re-assuring gaze and will make you feel like the greatest person in the world in two seconds. And she did today as I gave her a million hugs, re-instilled my love for her two dogs, and talked over a cup of coffee. She asked all about everything that went down last fall, how grad school was, any boys I was crushing on, and it was just nice to catch up with someone I used to spend almost every day with that I could talk to freely about everything. And after I gave her a million more hugs, it was a little hard to say goodbye again and drive off, but I know she's only a phone call away as well.

While I have had such a blast with the friends I do have, there have been a few times when things got a little rough. When I first got here, I was surrounded by all of these memories of my own hardships, struggles with classes, conflicts with roommates, and faraway friends and it was really hard to even think. Surprisingly, it was the good memories of twilight shirts, Riesens, and laying all night with a friend when they were sick that were the most haunting. I spent one night at housing and couldn't hardly sleep because I just kept thinking of a lot of late-night conversations that took place in the apartment above me and I just had to get out and get away. And I realized that it was because I was struggling and feeling so "stuck" in my life here before and visiting certain places or seeing certain people just re-iterated this feeling. It was so easy to fall back into that mindset during the first 24 hours as I yet again defended someone's character and I didn't even know why I was doing it. And I got angry at myself and the situation.

What I have learned most during this trip is that I am not the weak one. I've been feeling so guilty for my past mistakes, for bad judgments, for petty comments and jealousy, and trying to convince myself that it was okay I was just a doormat. It's okay that the most meaningful, loving relationship I've ever had has also been my worst. But I noticed right away that I'm strongly aware of my faults and not the weak one because I'm not hiding away in an ivory tower, mocking everyone around me and laughing at them for failing to penetrate the thick walls I've built around me. I'm living my life and I am remorseful for bringing sadness to anyone, especially someone that I once thought I was in love with. I've had to confront a lot of demons since I've been here including a past "relationship" that ended very bitterly. Not surprisingly, I was met with deaf ears, reminded that I am not missed, and told to move on because they so obviously have. Right...so I ended our communications with an apology, a heartfelt "I-wish-you-all-the-happiness-in-the-world" kind of sentiment because they kind of do deserve it, and a compliment which of course resulted in some more defensive mocking and probably just pissed them off that someone was actually being nice to them for once. And instead of feeling like crud all the time for my faults, I feel sorry for them for hiding and building such thick walls that I'm not sure anyone could break down. A part of me is glad that I have moved somewhere new so I won't ever fill that "stuck" role again that I imposed upon myself. I've loved being here, coming back to see my old stomping grounds, getting to spend so much time with my friends, experiencing more of the Alaskan wilderness, and trying to make peace with the past that was really hard to confront again. And I'm looking forward to continuing my adventures in Michigan, moving north to live near the sturgeon spawning site with three guys in just 6 or 7 weeks, and seeing where my life takes me.

I was supposed to fly out this afternoon at 1:15p.m. and woke up at 4:30a.m. with a million little tasks running through my head. I went back to sleep for awhile then got up, showered, threw my clothes in the dryer, had a nice cup of coffee with Lisa, and then finished my last minute packing and primping. And we headed off to the airport to drop off my bag before meeting up with the gang for a goodbye brunch. Only when I got to the airport, the flight attendant quickly notified me that my flight was canceled, I was re-booked, will be over-nighting it in Seattle in a free hotel room, and will miss my class tomorrow morning since I won't return to Detroit until 5p.m. Ah well! :) Just another adventure. So I got my new boarding pass, met up with the gang, and enjoyed a nice leisurely brunch as we chatted. It was nice to be back with all the girls (and Les) as well as Lisa and Jordan. I've forgotten how much I have missed them...each with their own awesome personalities. I actually got pretty lucky with my roommates last year and although there was some drama, I'm still glad I got to spend my spring break this year with them. In fact, I got to see everyone at least once except one person whom I wasn't really sure I was ready to face anyways. It has been a really nice break and now, I am relaxing, sipping some Dr. P, get a nice dinner of lobster ravioli in a bit, and then I'm on my way. Thanks everyone for making my break such a nice one and if you're ever in the lower 48, come see me!! I'm somewhere in the middle and just off to the right studying my "living fossils" (sturgeon) underneath the Midwest skies of Spartanville...

And goodbye, Alaska! Thanks for helping me find myself again, Old Friend! :)

~Kari

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