Jessica's Guide to Lonely Planet's Guide to Istanbul, Turkey

Don't get me wrong....Lonely Planet has treated me pretty right over the years. It's useful, applicable to all different lifestyles, and much more tolerant than, say, Rick Steves' guides that refer to Paris' Marais District as a place where "leather straps and dildos abound." Hmmm.

HowEVER, I have found that a serious reading between the lines is needed to figure out just what the hell LP means by "the historic atmosphere will flavor your meal." I'm not sure I want any sprinkles of history in my meal. I'd prefer fresh local produce only, thank you very much.

So my travel companion and I have come up with a few straight forward recommendations of favorite places to eat, sleep, and do your thang in the Western region of Turkey. If you're reading this in like, 2019, then I can't really guarantee these listings are still current.

ISTANBUL:

Lesson # 1...Never eat at the restaurants parked in the sidewalks where men in black pants and white collared shirts give you a big smile and insist you take a seat or at least look at the menu. They may even follow you. (think Florence, Paris' St. Germain District...there's a whole international community of cloned outdoor restaurants.) The food is always exactly the same among 6 or 7 of these restaurants clustered together, it's always expensive, and the food is, well, BLAH. Find a hole in the wall place with no menu, a huge waiting list, and simple, unique decorations (the creativity and care you put into your decorations probably mirrors that which you put in the food). This rule has been tried and tested and works like a charm every time.

Restaurant Recommendations: (Name, Address, Region)
**** Canim Ciğerim, Minare Sok No. 1, Beyoğlu
This simple lunch joint offers no frills, no menu, and the freshet ingredients you can get for a meal under 20 lira. They serve a juicy, American-portioned plate of quality lamb Köfte (turkish meatballs) or kebab with overly generous sides of fresh roasted peppers, tomatoes and onions, a thick stack of paper thin tortillas, and heaping platters of fresh parsley, dill and mint on the side. Eat on big wooden picnic tables inside or outside, and check out the open kitchen flanking the restaurant entrance, where stacks of bright red tomatoes and fresh veggies tempt even the vegetarian to sit down for a nice big meal of garnishes.

***** Inci Pastanesi, Istiklal Caddesi, near Taksim Square
Ladies, throw out your boyfriends and vibrators and head to one of only TWO places in the world that offer chocolate that is straight up, hands down, flat out better than sex. I've been told that to think chocolate is better than sex just means I haven't had good sex. Without going into too much personal detail, I'm a pretty pleased gal AND stand my ground. Inci serves up profiterol, a gooey eclair-ish pastry smothered in rich velvety chocolate sauce, enough to satisfy your chocolate craving for a week. Perk: you can take this home by the bucket or enjoy it inside the tiny cafe with a glass of lemonade, perfect for clearing the palette to stuff in even more profiterol. You gotta come to THIS place for the famous dessert -- every other pastry shop around offers corn syrupy garbage compared to what you'll get at Inci.

*** 360 Istanbul, Misir Apt. K8 Istiklal Caddesi, Beyoğlu
We didn't actually visit this place but it offers the swankiest, Euro lounge around with expensive mojitos and one of the best views of the city from its rooftop terrace. Menu is fusion and probably worth trying out from what we hear, if you have the cash to spare and an appetite for chic crowds.

***** Venta Del Toro, Galipede Caddesi near Galata Tower (uphill from Galata Tower)
When you need a break from traditional Turkish mezes, kebabs and aubergine, head to this funky and welcoming Tapas bar and restaurant. Wine itself can be rare in Istanbul restaurants, let alone Sangria, but their fruity homemade concoctions will have you coming back over and over (um, three times in the same day to be exact. ahem). For those Americans who feel more comfortable with an hola than a merhaba, the Spanish owner and employers will offer a hospitable break from Turkish tongue traumas and share their unique impressions of Istanbul ("why don't you see any women on the street? They are all lazy! They would rather sit around at home eating sweets all day than work!") An amazingly colorful mosaic mural spans the entire bottom level of the restaurant, and a spiral staircase leads to more seating, an outdoor terrace -- and a late night club -- upstairs. Midrange prices (8-10 lira for a small plate).

****Desaadet, under the Galata bridge, Beyoğlu side
Walking on the Galata Bridge at night is a charming experience itself, and with killer views of Istanbul's Golden Gate (the Bosphorus Bridge), its more than enough to lure you into one of the carbon copy restaurants underneath. But heeding Lesson #1 (above), our dear reader might opt to order a 2 lira ($1.50) fish sandwich from one of the bobbing boats parked on the Sultanahmet side instead, run past all the pricey blah restaurants on the bridge and spend the rest of the evening enjoying a hookah, beer, and backgammon at the Desaadet lounge. A smoky, local crowd gives this place some lively character even in the midst of all those tourist trap eateries and you'll get to enjoy some rare tobacco flavor wonderchild, like peach mint or hibiscus apple.

****Imroz, Nevizade Caddesi near Taksim Square
Nevizade is one of the more famous streets in Istanbul, known for its live music and packed nightlife scene. Not for the claustrophobic or easily charmed and later regretful tourist, Nevizade offers a lot of the same old restaurant, elbow to elbow bars, and this excellent traditional Turkish diner. Imroz offers the same spread you see in all the restaurants next door; but instead of begging you to sit down, the host will probably tell you to come back tomorrow for a table. If you insist, plan on waiting several hours for a tiny corner table next to the godfather running the cash register. It's worth the wait; the food is excellent, the crowd buzzes with local energy, and you'll finally feel good about paying more for your meal of white beans and grilled fish than a night at the pension.

HOTELS

** Chill Out Hostel
Lonely Planet told me this hostel made them want to gross out rather than chill out, which I thought was a little harsh when I first stepped foot into this hippie child of the revolution hostel. Then I found a pile of poo next to the toilet (it was from a cat, it turns out) and carried bed bug teeth marks for a month...so, LP was probably pretty fair. I do, however, have to give this place a little credit where it's due. The rooftop view is gorgeous and nicely accessorized with a hammock. The reception area is full of afro-headed punksters who spend their night spread out on the tye-dye floor pillows and will share their nightlife tips and playlists with you. Internet is free and you can order food or a hookah, use their kitchen, and maybe even pick up a Turkish book on anticapitalist world orders. Midrange, 50 lira total for a double, private room.

***** Kybele Hotel, Yerebatan Caddesi, Sultanahmet
You'll spot this bright turquoise hotel from down the block; and in this case, first impressions speak to everything inside. Victorian style couches fill a generous lounge well lit by a full ceiling of handmade glass lanterns, far funkier than any you'll find in the Grand Bazaar (the owner makes them all, by the way). Upstairs a garden patio provides a protected, quiet place for dinner or smooching. If you're lucky, the eccentric owner might just lead you through a hobbit door to a cavernous room filled with his overwhelming collection of Turkish and Persian antiques, Jack Johnson tunes, and stories of celebs that spent days in the very couch you're now sitting on. Quite a deluxe, spirited treat. Pricey, 60-70 Euro per night.

Lesson # 2: Mosques Schmosques. Once you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

The Blue Mosque is Istanbul's self-proclaimed gem, but for its sheer size, it ain't much different than the rest. Women should remember to carry something to cover their heads, even if its a sweater. I actually saw a woman wearing a plastic bag for lack of anything else, so this advice should be well heeded.

Don't miss the old graveyards encircling some of the smaller mosques around town. The headstones are simple but the Arabic (or Persian?) text will give you goose pimples.

Lesson # 3: If you look at ANYTHING in a shop display, you're 90% more likely to be guilted into buying something there.

The Spice Bazaar offers a great selection of teas, spices, and turkish delights. Don't be surprised if you go into a shop expecting to pick up a little curry and wind up with a bag full of saffron, aphrodisiac ointments, turkish coffee, cardamom, salhep, rosehip tea, honey turkish delights, sugar turkish delights, rose turkish delights......

The Grand Bazaar is store after store of a whole lotta same-same-same. Like a grandiose flea market, it requires a lot of elbow shuffling, an ability to ignore shopper cat calls, and fearless bargaining. If you're planning on traveling outside of Istanbul, you might want to reserve some of your shopping budget for the more manageable and unique selections of Cappidoccia, Kas, and small coastal towns. Enter well fed -- you'll be here for a while.

****** For a wildly artsy breath of fresh air after the Grand Bazaar, try the tiny boutique shop sitting just outside the Grand Bazaar's long hall of gold and silver jewelry. Sorry, I can't remember the name, but you'll know it by the strange fabric necklaces and overly chunky beads decorating its window. This is the finest fashion couture even New York would have to offer but be ready to spend over $75 for a nice piece of jewelry and over $200 for a belt. If I'd known about this place at the beginning of my trip rather than the end, I would have taken back my big pile of cheap crap and held out for just one little pendant from this store....sigh.

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