Nae bother

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Last night, while talking to my mother, I said, “Our first Scottish tour guide was named Doug. The next one was named Dave. Our third one will probably be named Alec or Alan.” I was just joking, but today I almost burst out laughing when our Rabbie’s Trail Burners guide introduced himself as Ally. Too bad there’s no Number 4 - he would have been named Jamie, Gordon, or Angus.

Rabbie’s is the service taking us on a four-day tour of the Highlands and Islands, starting today. This name is not to be confused with Rabbis or Rabies, but is instead a nickname for Robert, as in Robert Burns, national poet of Scotland. Honestly, I’ve seen ten-pound notes, pubs, museums, and gift shops dedicated to the man - now tour agencies - what’s next? That’s the kind of writer I’d like to be: one who commands total adulation. (Muahaha.)

Ally picked us up at 9:00 this morning. We all figured it would take at least four hours to get from Edinburgh to the closest spot in the Highlands, and we were dreading the long bus ride. However, it turned out to be really fun. Instead of just shuttling us around to various scenic overlooks, Ally provided interesting commentary on the various places we passed. When he wasn’t talking, he put on a CD of mostly Celtic music. (I really wonder if Scottish people actually listen to that kind of thing, or if Rabbie’s specially selected it to appeal to American tourists. Once the Celtic CD had played through a few times, Ally asked if anyone had any CDs they wanted to put on. There was a cold silence during which several people whispered, “CDs?” I assume many of them wanted to add, “Are those like eight-tracks?” Finally, someone said, “Um, we don’t have CDs, we all have iPods.” So Ally passed back a booklet with some of his CDs, and Hila selected James Blunt. Urgh.) Anyway, digression aside, the Celtic music helped to set the mood, and the James Blunt wasn’t that bad once I developed a sort of aural callus. As I gazed out the window at the stunning landscape, I felt like I was watching a movie. The scenery was constantly fresh and beautiful - there wasn’t a single dull spot. We passed gorgeous craggy hills shrouded in mist, rows of feathery pine trees, wildflowers, and lochs. Even as we left Edinburgh, we could admire the cute houses and hotels.

First, on the outskirts of Edinburgh, we passed Fattes College, a school for boys ages 12 to 18. Tony Blair went there for the last two years; he came from a working-class family but earned a scholarship. Fattes College is also used for exterior shots of the entrance to Hogwarts. On Saturday, we’ll get to see the Glenfinnan Viaduct, the bridge that the Hogwarts train crosses. Ninety percent of Harry Potter footage is shot in Scotland; the only locations in England are the chapel at Oxford used for the dining hall, and another one. (I suppose I can’t get away with calling it “Angus”?)

We also passed a scene from another famous movie: the Castle Dune, where almost all of Monty Python and the Holy Grail was filmed. A Monty Python convention is held there every year, and the original Pythons even make an appearance. But as cool as that is, the castle used to have an even cooler use. Whenever the king went on a trip without the queen, he would allow her to go to Dune with a select group of female and male friends. Whoaoooh!

Then, we crossed into Stirling. We pulled over on a stretch of road where we could see Stirling Castle towering above us on a hill on one side, and the Wallace Monument rising up on the other. Ally pointed out that Stirling Castle is constructed very similarly to Edinburgh Castle. The real attraction was the Wallace Monument. We crossed a short bridge over the River Forth to get to a marshy area where we could take some really amazing photos. The stone obelisk rose alluringly behind a veil of mist. I couldn’t really see any details, but it was very evocative. After we got back on the bus, Ally explained that Wallace wasn’t the real “Braveheart” of Scotland. He’s simply been idealized by “Smelly Melly” (Mel Gibson) into some high-minded freedom fighter. In fact, Wallace really did not care about bringing Scotland forward. Instead, he was fighting for revenge. After a few English soldiers murdered his wife/girlfriend (historians still are not sure which), Wallace put together a ragtag army to kill as many English soldiers as possible. In order to feed, clothe, and pay his army, Wallace regularly pillaged English towns. I suppose the Scots are glad that he put up such a strong fight, for whatever reason, but it was really his partner, Andrew Murray, and the famous king Robert the Bruce who actually fought for the goal of Scottish independence.

After leaving Stirling, we stopped at a pub for what in the US is called a rest stop. In Britain, it’s called a tea break. Outside the pub was a wire pen housing the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen - a Heeland Coo! (Highland Cow) EEEEEE! These coos are nice and chubby, with big, round, furry hooves. They have thick, soft-looking reddish-brown hair and cute round noses. But the best thing about them is the long hair that falls into their eyes. It’s SO CUTE! I quickly joined a group of girls gathered around the pen, trying to attract the cow with pieces of digestive biscuits (cookies). Ally told us that . His name is Hamish, and the pub gift shop is full of posters, t-shirts, and other merchandise with his name and picture. Ally summed it up with, “This coo is the Sean Connery of animals.”

After that, we soon began to drive up alongside Loch Lomond. This loch (lake) is the third longest in Scotland; the second longest is Loch Ness, and the longest is Loch Awe. I’m kind of surprised that Lomond has its own song (“You take the low road and I’ll take the high road. . .”) and Ness has its own monster, while Awe has nothing, at least not anything that’s made its way into American culture. We’ll get to see Loch Ness on Saturday, when we drive through Inverness. Loch Lomond is 23 miles long, and the motorway runs alongside its entire length. Although it’s fairly narrow, the loch has over 70 islands - and one of them is infested with wallabies! It sounds ridiculous, but apparently soon after Australia was discovered, three sailors brought back wallabies as pets for their wives. The wives were not impressed, so all three sailors sold their wallabies to an eccentric old woman who kept a lot of animals. She put them onto the island; there were two females and one male; and the rest is history. Since Loch Lomond is near the western coast, warm air blows in from the Gulf Stream and helps keep the wallabies comfortable.

We stopped for lunch in Inverary, at the very tip of Loch Lomond. When we got back on the road that afternoon, we passed Castle Stalker, a very small tower on a tiny island in the middle of a loch. The island was very small and flat, and the loch was in the middle of a deep glen (valley), so it really looked like the castle was about to sink into the depths. It did not look like it would survive a storm, let alone a mediaeval siege. However, au contraire, Ally said the wide strip of water around the castle made it impossible to attack. It was one of the strongest fortresses in Scotland. Now, it belongs to Sean Connery, who used it as a set for Entrapment. After Castle Stalker, we looped back to Oban, a coastal town where we will spend all three nights in the Highlands. We’ll make excursions out to different locations each day: the islands of Mull and Iona tomorrow, Inverness and the north on Saturday, and the eastern bit on Sunday.

Throughout the tour, Ally had a very distinctive style that kept everyone entertained. Of course, there was his use of Scots dialect. One of my favourite examples was when he was explaining the slight differences between Irish and Scots: “Just a few wee wordies like that.” Irish and Scots are both called Gaelic, and the main difference between them seems to be that the vowels are pronounced differently. For instance, Gaelic is pronounced “Gaylick” in Irish and “Gallick” in Scots. Another fun phrase is “Poch ma hain” in Irish and “Pach ma hone” in Scots (I’ve spelled the words phonetically, to the best of my ability. All the O’s should be long, and the ch should be pronounced back in the throat, as in “Chanukah.” But as tough as it is to convey the Gaelic pronunciation using our alphabet, the real Gaelic spelling is much more confusing by far. Probably something like “Pwc slainte feallwm.”). So after Ally mentioned this phrase, he asked, “Does anyone know what that means?” Hila replied, “Kiss my ass!” And Ally said, “That’s right, kiss my ARSE!”

Then, returning to Allyisms, there was the way that he would accompany various driving manoeuvres with verbal sound effects, mimicking the sound of the engine revving or the tyres squealing as he turned a corner. We spent a lot of time on one-lane roads, so he also delivered quite of a bit of irritated advice to the other drivers, such as, “Pull over, son, it’s no rocket science” or “Get out of the way, you stupid nyaf.” (If you know what a “nyaf” is or how to spell it, please advise.) And, most entertaining of all, every other sentence was “Nae bother” (no bother, i.e. no problem). Ally said this every single time someone thanked him, asked him a question, or expressed interest in stopping somewhere: “. . . And that’s why it’s called the Firth of Forth. Nae bother.” “Sure, we can go through Inverness, nae bother.” By the end of the day, everyone was chuckling and saying it themselves.

Ally also kept encouraging us to ask questions. For instance, he said, “Do you want to stop for lunch soon? Do you fancy that? All right, nae bother, but I have one condition: you have to ask questions.” So Hila asked which loch was the longest, and was told, “Very good question. Very well thought out and well delivered.” Later, she asked if Ally spoke “the Gaelic,” and he said that was an excellent question (and joked, “Actually, I’m a bit surprised it came from yourself.”). But Briana had a different experience: she wanted to throw out her coffee cup, but she wasn’t close enough to Ally to get his attention, so she asked Lisa (who was sitting in the front row) to ask him if there was a trash can. So Lisa did, and Ally replied that there wasn’t. A few seconds went by, and then he said, “That was a good question too, although I would think that would be a visual thing - either you see the bin, or you don’t see the bin.” Lisa replied, “Well, she can’t really see from where she’s sitting.” “Oh, so it wasn’t for yoursel’ you were asking? You’re a good wee friend.”

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