"I'm Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth I am, I am..."

I recently went to Hampton Court with an English friend, Helen. She'd never been there before, but all of her friends had been multiple times and didn't want to go to such a tourist attraction again, so she was stuck. I've wanted to go to Hampton Court for seven years, so an alliance was born.

My mom went to Hampton Court as a child and loved it. When we were in England seven years ago, I really wanted to go, but we didn't have time, since we only had a few days in London, and Hampton Court was on the outskirts. I was particularly tempted by the legendary hedge maze. But alas, I had to wait.

So what is Hampton Court? It's an architectural hodgepodge of a palace, originally built by Henry VIII's advisor Cardinal Wolsey. Henry hinted around that he liked it very much, and Cardinal Wolsey was basically forced to give it to him. Later William and Mary lived there, who overhauled lots of it with the help of Sir Christopher Wren. Then the Georges got ahold of it and changed it more... I expected a grand palace, which it is, but my first thought was that it looked a lot like a warehouse from afar. Maybe it was the abundance of chimneys? In any case, parts of the palace have been restored to the various parts of British history, parts hold musuem exhibits, and parts housed people who were awarded free room and board for the rest of their lives by the monarchs. Apparently, two such people still exist and are living out their years among the tourist stampedes.

So Helen and I started off early in the morning and drove to Hampton Court. Upon arriving, we immediately had tea, for which we had to wander through some of the fabulous surrounding gardens. It was a fairly dreary day, but it never out and out rained on us, for which we were grateful.

After refortifying ourselves, we took a tour of the oldest part of the house, which includes the Great Hall, built by Henry VIII. Our guide was in the costume, but not the character (not yet, anyway), of Mary, Henry VIII's sister. Unfortunately, Henry's private apartments no longer exist, since future monarchs ripped them out and built to their own tastes. The tour included discussions of the ghosts that supposedly inhabit the place.

After that tour, we went through some of the other parts of the palace that were from later periods. My favorite was the bedroom that had two long ropes on either side of the bed. These ran through the walls and enabled the person in bed to lock and unlock the room's two doors without getting up. We also made a point to tour the massive kitchens, which included a walk through Fish Court. The quantities of food these people went through! And most of it meat! No wonder Henry got so portly. We decided we were hungry, too, and had lunch in the cafe nearby.

Our next stop was Henry's tennis court. Back in the day, Henry was apparently quite the dashing figure - very athletic and attractive. He was a big fan of "real tennis," a predecessor to today's game. There are only 42 of these courts in the world, and one of them is at Hampton Court. Since it's still used today, it's been renovated just a few times since Henry's day. I was slightly disappointed. I was also disappointed that the figs on the trees outside the court weren't ripe yet.

Next we went back inside to meet the woman in Mary's costume again. This time she berated us for not bowing to her and showing her the proper respect. She also reprimanded some woman for wearing a purple sweatshirt, since this color is reserved for royalty. This was the in-character tour, all about the intrigues of court life. It sounds much worse than middle school. Mary started us out talking about life at the court and said that she despised petty gossipers. Of course, we soon ran into a costumed couple eager to tell us all about the latest scandals, and Mary walked off in a huff. The couple led us to Mary Boleyn (sister of Anne) and Cardinal Richelieu, and they engaged upon a philosophical debate that was about hunting on one level and about tawdry court affairs on a lower level. They took every opportunity to draw us in and put us on the spot. I hid behind a largish man.

Next we visited the "Young Henry VIII" exhibit. I'm wondering if there's a concerted push to revive this image of him. There was a recent series on Showtime, starring Johnathan Rhys-Meyers (the main reason why I watched parts of it - he's beautiful!), showing how he was a young, attractive, athletic, virile ladies' man. Now this exhibit. Is there a Henry VIII conspiracy out there?

I think it was at this point that we decided we needed another snack. We headed back to the gardens and had cream teas, which I have come to love here - a pot of tea and a scone with clotted cream and jam. Mmmmm. Then, I wanted to go to the hedge maze. I had been hearing about this hedge maze for years, and I wanted to go get thoroughly lost in it. Helen did not. So she went to go see more gardens.

I was disappointed by the hedge maze. First of all, it was greatly reduced in size from Henry's day. Secondly, it just didn't have the right feel - the ground was paved into paths, and the hedges were lined with iron fences. It didn't feel wild or organic enough - I certainly didn't have the impression that it had just sprung up into being, which I had hoped. The hedges were plenty tall so that you couldn't see over them, but you could see surrounding buildings easily, which helped you navigate, whether you wanted them to or not. One interesting thing was that there were motion sensors that triggered recordings - advice like, "Don't go that way!" or bells ringing or just women's gossipy, flirty laughter. I tried to get lost. I intentionally took wrong turns and backtracked. Nevertheless, I had found the center of the labyrinth and was unceremoniously dumped out again in less that 10 minutes. What a disappointment.

So I scurried over to find Helen, and we took in some of the gardens. I found a frangipani tree, just like the one I have at home that is a cutting off Nana's big tree. There was also a glorious dahlia border and the Great Vine, with unripe grapes dangling from it. The Great Vine is the oldest and largest grape vine in the world - the Guinness Book of World Records says so. It's at least 230 years old and is sheltered by this great big greenhouse. Its base has a circumference of 4 feet and produces about 600 pounds of grapes each year, which they sell in the cafes. Unfortunately, we were there too early.

At this point we were exhausted. A quick trip to the gift shops and a couple hours' drive back home. Cross Hampton Court off my list.

---

---