Home again, home again, jiggetty-jig

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Well sometimes you just loose perspective; the sheer heat can make you feel as though life is just a little out of reach; you begin to hear your own voice, down the line; the clarity seems muffled and thoughts are hard to project; only the immediate, here-and-now is feasible.

I’m returned home for a fortnight. Ten weeks of back-to-back courses. I began to feel as if I were in the centre of a centrifuge attempting to focus on the spinning faces. What could I do to help myself “feel” alive? How strangely my mind coped with consistent professional restriction. An identity cleansed functionality. The edges gone. The feeling has taken only about half-a-day to return to the corners of my mind. Like frostbite, parts of my mind were surplus to the constant automation. Dull. That’s how it feels. It feels like I can’t possibly be shining anymore. People are still impressed and grateful for your service but you can’t understand how that can be so - you have nothing left and certainly can’t believe you have anything impressive.

The absence of true friends can make your life seem very clinical. It seems a shame not to enjoy people in the genuine way you do when you meet them on your own terms but you cannot afford the chance that you may not be compatible. You must bend before they strain you. They want this, they want that and you will love whatever they want. You soon learn to ignore your own feelings of lethargy, hunger, desire.

What a great way to develop a positive perspective of your life though. Simple things feel like wonderful luxuries: I drove the car. I drank beer. I ate when I wanted. I ate what I wanted. …and all of Lancaster is Air-Con’. How fantastic is that? And the rain. And the wind. And the fullness of my mind. I took Zak for his morning poo and, as I opened the garden gate, the smell of moss woke another part of me. I sniffed the air and I could smell a million things I’d missed (try not to think about what Zak might be contributing to this experience). All the smells had bright colours covered in dew, and all the corners of my mind yawned and smiled.

Thank you to all my friends - particularly Carol and Helen - for greeting me home. A beer and a laugh filled the rest of the colours and smells.

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