Joe Blogs - Bilsborrow 53°51′ N 2°44′ W

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Well, we’re home !! Oh how we’ve missed this drizzle.

We’ve done it !! 93 days, 34655 miles (372 miles per day!), 360 degrees (longitude).

Plus 61 entries, 589 (out of 7,724) photos and 63 (out of 231) video clips on the blog.

Interestingly, the furthest north we have been is a little place called Bilsborrow, just outside Preston in the UK (53°51′ N 2°44′ W) and the furthest south we’ve been is Auckland in New Zealand (37°00′S 174°47′E) which is quite weird ‘cos it means there’s a whole right angle (53° from Auckland to the South Pole and 37° from Bilsborrow to the North Pole) that we haven’t done !!

(Yet).

Anyway, this is going to be the last blog entry for “On-The-Blog”. What are we going to do with ourselves? I did think maybe I should just carry on, but it would probably just be stool reports. Maybe not eh?

So, the world. I know it was a whistle-stop tour, and there’s so much more out there, but how to put it all into words?

Perhaps some poetry:

The world is round
It is not square
I know that now
‘Cos I’ve been there.

It’s full of lots of people
With slightly different faces
Their noses, eyes and ears
In slightly different places.

The world is round
It is not flat
I know that now
I’m not a twat.

It’s full of lots of people
Of different shape and size
They start off thin and end up fat
If you fill them full of pies.

The world is round
Just like an egg.
Not chicken though, the other kind
That come twixt turtle leg.

It’s full of lots of people
Of different colour and hue
And though it’s hard for some to swallow
They’re the same as me and you.

Would we go back?

I’ll leave that one up to you . . . .

And finally, here’s some random facts we have learned along the way:

1. India

It’s not just the cow that is sacred in India. Other sacred animals are: Bear, Lion, Tiger, Antelope, Pheasant, Kite, Butterfly, Camel, Cock, Conch, Crow, Deer, Dog, Cat, Goat, Donkey, Dove, Fish, Frog, Gecko. Monkey, Honey Bee, Horse, House Shrew, Cobra, Crocodile, Elephant, Flying Fox, Peafowl, Mongoose, Owl, Parakeet, Porcupine, Praying Mantis, Rat, Crane, Spider, Swan, Squirrel, Tortoise, Vulture, Water Buffalo, Pig and Yak.

I wonder what the poor old sheep did not to get on the list?

2. Nepal

It is a criminal offence to kill a cow on purpose in Nepal, with an automatic sentence of 12 years in prison. It’s alright to kill a cow accidently though. (Phew!).

It is legal to grow marijuana in Nepal as long as it is just for your own use.

3. Cambodia

Phnom Penh has a bit of a gun problem. Hotels and shops have signs up saying “No Guns”. One of the most common problems the Phnom Penh police have is at weekends with late night barbecues where, after consuming large amounts of alcohol, the guests start indiscriminately firing their weapons into the air !!

4. Norway (but we didn’t go to Norway?)

When a taking a picture of someone in Norway, you don’t say “Say cheese”, you say “Say omelette” (in Norwegian).

5. Thailand

The famous red light district of Bangkok, Patpong, is not really something they are proud of (unlike Amsterdam for example). It is a throwback from the Vietnam war days when American soldiers were stationed in Bangkok. They’d really rather it wasn’t there at all!

6. Singapore

It’s an automatic £1000 fine if you drop litter. Smuggling drugs is punishable by death.

7. Australia

There’s a considerable amount of inherent racism between the Australians and the indigenous aboriginal population. The Government give them benefits, but the view is they just sit around and drink all day. The truth of the matter is they have had their lifestyle stolen from them. They had no concept of ownership of land and were a nomadic people, wandering around, living off the land. When the Pommies first arrived, they took the land and forbid them to continue to hunt and forage. Yes, they are “compensated” with benefits, but as their natural way of life is prohibited, they are lost.

North/ South divide. During the war, Australia was attacked by the Japanese. The Australian government (based in the South) drew up a plan in the event that the Japanese won, conceding how much of Australia they were prepared to give away. They drew a line around Brisbane (called “the Brisbane line”). It seems the North has never quite forgiven the South. A lot of people in the South consider the North “bogans” ( I think our nearest equivalent might be “chavs” ).

8. The World

MacDonalds are everywhere. They have been in every country we visited. How does a beefburger giant operate in India, where the cow is sacred? I decided to check it out. They sell McChicken burgers, and McPaneer burgers !!

Wherever you are in the world, if you type in www.google.com, it defaults to the local version of Google. So, in Brazil, it changes to www.google.com.br, in Australia, it defaults to www.google.com.au, in the UK, www.google.co.uk. They’ve got the world sown up!!

And Finally – As A Direct Result of the Recent Criminal Investigation Into The Toilet Hacking Scandal, This Will Be The Last Edition of:

“Stools Of The World”

The Great British “Banger” is back – with a vengeance (actually, a little bit soft, but that’ll soon firm up with a bit of Plaster of Paris).

Like huge barrage balloons, great thunderous monsters that "launch" themselves into the air with a loud clap of thunder before soaring off into the distance to protect Queen and country.

Like giant nuclear “submarines”, that slide down the “ramp” from the “docks”, with the smash of a bottle of champagne and a cheer from the crowd before sailing off silently under the sea, where to no-one knows.

Like gargantuan dinosaur eggs . . .

(Yes, yes, yes alright Gareth, we get the message. You can stop now . . .)

Ahem.

So, next time you are sitting there, with nothing to do (so to speak), just think how lucky we are to have a robust sanitary infrastructure, where you don’t have to put your toilet paper in a little waste “paper” basket, or even worse, use a jug, a bucket of water and your hand (eg. like at Kathmandu airport – luckily I had my own “private” toilet paper).

I’d just like to say a big thank you to all involved in bringing you these intermittent stool reports and I think I can honestly say it’s been a real pleasure wiping my bottom with you all watching.

Until the next time . . .

This is Joe and Moi Hyde from “On The Blog” signing off.

Thank you and good night.

(Pause)

And a very special goodnight to those of you who might be sitting on the toilet by themselves.

(Pause)

And don’t forget to switch your computer off before you go to bed.

Good night.

(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

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