Three Weeks To Go

It all seemed so easy nine months ago. "Let's take the summer off in a van!" said Amanda. "Yes, why not?" I replied, turning the page of my book. "It's our last chance for a really long family holiday before Grace starts school," she said. "True," I answered, sipping my drink.
Turns out she really meant it. Hmm.
We are now the proud owners of a Hymer Camp 55 which seemed fine when we bought it from a sweet German couple in Sheffield, but...
The Caravan Club Guide to Europe says you should only consider travelling abroad when you're comfortable with your van, having used it regularly for a year or two. We're going after three nights in Hertford (freezing, the heater's bust) and two nights in Oxford next weekend - if the van is allowed on the road. Our Hymer (terrible name, makes me think of Hymen or Hummer) is currently sick, being fixed by some blokes called Len or Barry in Dartford. Len 1 sucked his teeth when looking at the gas bottle, and Len 2 laughed at our interior decoration. Sarky buggers... turns out the gas pipes are held together with sticky tape and it's all highly dangerous, not to mention illegal. We could have been gassed or blown up. Think I need to have words with that sweet German couple.

The Plan

We've spent a fortune in various geeky shops (full of blokes in socks and sandals) on useful things like portable toilet disinfectant and luminous tentpegs. We've spent hours online researching Croatian campsites and Alpine zoos. We've read A LOT of books and finally decided to, er, wing it a bit and see what we fancy when we get there...
We're going through France and possibly northern Spain on our way to Italy, where friends are getting married on July 1 in Venice. Then down through Italy to the Bay of Naples, over to Bari for an overnight ferry to Dubrovnik, up through Croatia and Slovenia to Austria in early August. Then west along the Alps, dipping south to Lake Garda; north again into Switzerland for the rest of August and then home by whatever route seems fun, stopping off at a wine warehouse before we catch the ferry home. Then I start work the next day - Amanda is taking a couple more weeks off to recover, and see Grace settled in school. During the trip we should meet up with various friends and family, if it all goes according to plan.

Let's hope it does - I'm not good with:

• being in situations I can't control
  
• being in close proximity to other people for long periods of time, including my family
  
• foreign languages apart from French.
  

I'm not nearly as technical as Amanda hopes I am, and the workings of the van are frankly baffling. The gas thing worries me - if this is bodged, what else is going to drop off as we descend the Pyrenees? Watch this space!

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