Independence Day!

No, im not referring to American Revolutions or little green men intent on world domination, i’m referring to a day i’ve been looking forward to for such a long time, the tunnel has been dug and stands ready, its all shored up and it’s time to break out…. Goodbye Sweden!!!

So ive decided that the time has finally come to give up the dull rigours of the 9 to 5, (well 7 to 4) give up my apartment, sell everything I own and head off on my long awaited round the world trip that i’d always promised myself I would do someday. Ive also just recently come to the conclusion that if I continued any longer with my procrastination, i’ll soon be dribbling away, seated in my wheelchair watching the pelargoniums coming up outside the window of my old folks home!

So, its off to blighty now to spend a few weeks with friends and family. I intend to take a TEFL course that will hopefully help me to organise teaching work abroad so I can supplement my travel funds and then i’m off….

As an English ex pat who has spent the last 5 years living and working in Sweden, id like to share with you an insight into this country from an 'outsiders' point if view and give any prospective visitors the benefits of my somewhat tongue in cheek knowledge and experience.
While Sweden maybe doesn’t have quite as diverse history and culture as many other Western countries, glimpses of history can be found if you look for them. The town i’ve been residing in, Växjö, lies in the central part of Southern Sweden and is synonymous with names such as Carl von Linne (the founder of all those wonderful Latin biological names) famous sports stars such as Carolina Kluft, Stefan Edberg and Thomas Ravelli.
That err……famous, well known English missionary and dark ages backpacker Saint Siegfred, founded a church here in around 1050AD that has subsequently been developed further over the centuries and is now famous here in Sweden due its unusual parallel twin spire construction.
Indeed, it was only 40 miles from here that Ingvar Kamprad hatched his dastardly plot for world domination by submission to flat pack furniture and built his first store which remains today and is known world wide as IKEA.
Just north of the town centre you will find Kronoberg Castle which was founded around 1547 to fend of raging hoardes of Danes. Southern Sweden, or more correctly, the county known as Skåne was once owned by Denmark and a war once raged over ownership of this part of the country.

Close to the town centre you will find two museums of interest. The first is Utvandrarnas Huset. This is a museum or more correctly an archive dedicated to the history of the Swedish exodus abroad during the end of the 19th and beginning of the 20th century. It’s very popular with Americans who have Swedish decendants and wish to trace their family history and past.
The second is Smålands Museet. This is a museum mainly dedicated to the history of glass making in Sweden. The geographical area that Växjö lies in is known as Småland and Småland has a well known and deserved reputation for unusual, quality hand made glass. This museum has probably the largest collection of Swedish glass in the country, from well known glass works such as Kosta Boda and Örreförs.

Admittedly, you have to be a certain type of person and have a certain type of mentality to live here.
Two years was enough for me and ever since then I have frequently heard the words of The Eagles-Hotel California ringing out in my head!!!
Despite my moments of anxiety, Sweden is admittedly a beautiful country. There are cute red and white houses, pine trees, fir trees, lakes, more pine trees…err….more fir trees and more lakes……did I mention that we have pine trees……???
In the summer it’s a nature lovers (or naturists) dream. The temperatures are balmy, the smell of pine forests is everywhere and lazy days spent by or on a lake really can’t be beaten.
We allegedly have moose too……not that i’ve ever seen one. The elusive moose is, i’ve been led to believe, part of Swedish folklore. You find them on roadsigns, postcards, teacups and all manner of other tourist tat and are supposed to be one of Swedens national symbols. However, experience has shown me that the only time your likely to see a moose is when they try to chuck themselves through your car windowscreen at 70mph. Moose avoidance is even a part of the Swedish driving test. Provisional driving license holders are let loose on a skidpan where they learn to skid, slide or veer around a moose like effigy that unceremoniously pops up without warning in front of you! Unfortunately, however elusive this creature may be, it is occasionally the last thing some people will ever see, I find this quite ironic actually!!!

Rather than use this mysterious and fabled creature as a national icon, I have an alternative suggestion. Sweden probably has one of the largest concentrations of lakes in comparison to its size. While this glut of water is a constant source of amusement, mirth and frequent alcohol related drowning’s it is also home to one of the most annoying creatures i’ve ever encountered, yes, the ubiquitous mosquito. I’ve never tried counting them, but id estimate that Sweden probably has the largest mosquito population on the planet, either that or mosquitoes world wide pack their little bags and come here on holiday for the summer. Every year the Swedish health service implores people to give blood. Donations are often on the low side and this often leaves the health service with critically low levels of blood for operations. You spend one hour walking through a Swedish forest or by a lake and you will realise where the problem lies. Those pesky little blighters drain you, they take the lot, they give a new definition to the word Anemia, making suffers of this debilitating blood disorder look positively rosy in colour next to you.

Swedes are well known for their drinking escapades. Any kind of celebration is always an excuse for a good ol knees up. You will often find groups of Swedes, down by the lake having a good time and consuming quantities of alcohol that would knock a pack of elephants bandy, singing about small frogs and sucking the innards out of freshwater shellfish.
I’ve tried to research the reasons behind this excessive consumption of alcohol and i’ve come to 2 conclusions why this may be. First of all, forests and nature aside, Sweden is akin to a typical Scandinavian kitchen, very clean, very functional, yet very plain, very monotonous and very boring. You can travel from one end of the country to the other and everything is the same. Drinking merely allows you to escape reality for a limited period of time…..well it works for me anyway….
Then you have the state run brown bottle shops or Systembolaget. All alcohol over 3.5% by law has to be sold by these state run stores. Run out of wine while eating your evening meal or need a few more bottles of beer for your last minute party and your stuffed like the proverbial turkey. All alcohol purchases require serious planning and often require an unscheduled bunking off of work for 30 minutes to get the beers in. Realistically, your limited to shopping here on a Friday afternoon along with the rest of the population, go at any other time and you risked being stigmatised as an alcoholic or closet boozer. Even when you turn 18 and are legally allowed to buy alcohol you cant buy it here until you reach 20…..!!!
Simply put, the psychology behind this is crazy. You make something harder to get, the more people want it…..welcome to Sweden……
The only other place you can acquire alcohol is at a bar, restaurant or a nightclub. If you ever consider a night out on the town here then id recommend having a friendly chat with your bank manager before doing so!!! While you can get a pint of the local amber nectar for around £2 to £3 a good quality beer will often set you back a fiver or more. After buying several rounds of drinks and spending the equivalent of a years wages in some 3rd world countries, everybody makes the late night exodus to McDonalds which in the town I live in, is where the crux of late night socialising takes place, people throw up after one too many burgers and get into amusing altercations. (i’ve obviously missed out on something here)

Winter also holds plenty of hidden dangers! Granted, Sweden would win a gold medal if there was a world championship in snow ploughing or tarmac gritting. Even before the first snow falls, armies of vehicles take to the roads parked in secret locations ready to take on the white stuff. In contrast, half an inch of snow falls in the UK, the whole infrastructure comes to a grinding halt and that solitary, aging snow plough that the tiny borough of Saggy Bottom bought during the 60s is dragged out of its garage groaning and creaking in protest to take on this catastrophe of national proportions.
Despite the snow clearing ballet that ensues, only certain surfaces are ploughed and gritted here in the winter, of course all roads that lead to my place of employment seem to always be exempt from this clearing and gritting process. Allow me to explain…. in an attempt to keep my body in shape I like to cycle about as much as possible. Sweden is a cyclists dream, with dedicated bicycle paths in most towns. You can fly past a police officer on the pavement and he (or she) wont bat an eyelid as long as your not performing stunts or making crude suggestions at them while doing so. But as soon as the temperatures drop your assigned to something akin to figure skating on 4 square inches of rubber. Put me on an ice rink on my trusty mountain bike with Torvill and Dean or Tonya Harding and I will give them all a serious run for their money. Id actually like to see cycling on ice as a new Olympic event, an event that i’m sure id be able to win some form of medal in. Not that this activity comes without its dangers! After three attempts at head butting the pavement, one severely bruised groin, countless scraped knees and elbows, a severely twisted ankle and one torn ligament in my right arm, im yet to succumb to broken bones or even worse, my final resting place 6ft deep in the ground. That said, knowing my luck, I’ll probably hit a moose the day before I leave…..

Sweden can also be prohibitively expensive. While the health service is generally very good, a trip to the doctors or the local hospital will cost between £10 and £20 and a visit to the dentists will leave you reeling for months to come. Fast food is similar in price to the UK although food bought in shops and supermarkets attract a 20% tax or MOMS as its known and can be quite expensive compared to many other European countries.
The travel infrastructure is very good in Sweden. Trains and Buses are very modern and very affordable. Driving is a joy as the roads are well maintained and traffic levels are very low in almost all places with the exception of the larger towns. Up until 1967, the Swedes used to drive on the correct side of the road, a referendum held the same year allowed the Swedes to choose whether or not they were willing to make the change to driving on the right hand side of the road. Almost 83% of Swedes who voted chose to stick to the left, but the Government changed it anyway, you could only get away with this in Sweden.
Petrol costs are one of the highest in Europe although at the time of writing, petrol is slightly cheaper than it is in the UK. Drink driving is frowned upon considerably here and as a consequence Sweden has one of the lowest drink driving limits in Europe (0.08%). In contrast, unlike most other European countries, the Swedes still haven’t got round to working out that the use of mobile phones in a vehicle is just as dangerous as drink driving and at the present time there is no ban.

As a rule the Swedes are reasonably friendly people, yet often emotionless, quite cheerless and uncannily eccentric. That said i’ve had the fortune of meeting and working with some great people who I will never forget. Native English speakers will often receive a very warm welcome as the Swedes love nothing more than getting the chance to practice their English. Despite this, you will often find it is quite difficult to get close to someone here, its nothing personal its just part of the Swedish culture.
Mastering Swedish etiquette isn’t that difficult. Just remember to take your shoes off before going into someone’s house and if you are offered food, it’s considered impolite if you don’t go up for seconds. If your invited to the same persons house again then it is also good form to thank the person for the last time you came to visit. Pushing and shoving when your out and about is considered the norm and you will very rarely get an apology unless your half knocked off of your feet.
You generally wont fit in if you don’t like sport, gambling, drinking or can talk for hours about how much you love your job. What you do for a living is often the first question you will be asked and your status/social standing with the native Swedes will often depend on what job you have.

I would highly recommend a short visit, especially in the summer months. Just don’t get stuck here…..otherwise you will eventually start to hear those fateful words……….
“You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave”

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