Strč prst skrz krk.......

....and welcome to the land of no vowels, spotless streets, beautiful buildings and 24 hour partying!!!
Ive been attempting a whistle stop tour of Slovakia, Poland and Austria and spent a few err...strange hours in the Czech Republic too!
Admittedly its been a few years since ive had the pleasure of experiencing the open road and going wherever fate takes me! Some things change, but unfortunately some things never do!!! In the last few days ive travelled through 4 countries and made some interesting observations, especially about those who are doing, or attempting to do the same thing as me.
So, no offence intended here, but I feel that after several sleepless nights due 3 separate groups of people that just happen to come from the same nation, I now intend to take a minute to have a bit of a rant and vent my frustrations!!!
Ive now come to the conclusion that basically, there are 4 kinds of travellers. First of all is the well renoun Backpacker....these travellers come in all kinds of shapes, sizes and smells from the Bob Marley loving rasta type to the 50 something that has re-found his youth, however, they all have one thing in common, they like to get around, see the sights, kick back and take a beer in the evening whilst talking about the meaning of life and other associated subjects. Then you have the "Tourist". These groups are like lost sheep wandering in around strange hats making strange clicking noises wherever they go and are usually always accompanied by a tour guide and coach.
The third group is the "Party Animal". This group decends on cities all over the world to party and drink all night and then sleep all day.
Finally, and probably the worst group of the lot are the Americans, with the exception of those who are over 30 and younger Americans of mixed race too. I mean dont get me wrong here, im the last person to tar everybody with the same brush, I even have American friends(mind you, my best American buddy is actually Bolivian, over 30 and im sure he will back me up here). But if there is one group of people who have spoilt my and quite a few others stay here then it is them. Its seems quite obvious to me and others besides that to them Slovakia is just another country where they can drink beer, fall about, making an ass of themselves and generally getting on everybody elses nerves. Seriously, these guys have no idea about anything, especially how to get down and party. Their idea of a party is to run around screaming like spoilt brats, drink until they look like Mickey Rooney, then finally just sit there and talk about "back in the f...in day" ...yawn... As most people of more enlightened nationalities know, ask them where Europe is and they will tell you that they have no idea, but they still have The Final Countdown on 8 track, ask them about Italy or China and they will tell you that they dont get into NYC that often but as far as they know they can recommend a visit, ask them about Hungary and they will tell you that is exactly how they feel after not having consumed a Big Mac for at least an hour. I mean come on guys, looking in an Atlas is not akin to picking up and reading a copy of Mao Tse Tungs little red book. Mind you, once they actually realise that there isnt just life in the US and on Mars then this all thankfully starts to change.....
However not all is lost...using a clever system of mathematics and trigonometry which I have devised and intend to patent, you can avoid them. By using a system of triangulation, plotting the closest McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Burger King and then choosing the Hotel or Hostel the furthest from the chances of bumping into them are greatly reduced and if you do happen to run into one or two of them then you will know that these are the enlightened ones.

Anyway, rant over and now returning swiftly back to Bratislava......
I would recommend this city to 3 groups of people, those who love history and architecture, people who want to party and members of the Skoda appreciation society. Bratislava is a beautiful city, full of amazing buildings that you would expect to find in a historical Central European country, however it also has a modern touch, with modern buildings and bridges that span the Danube, one with a huge UFO restaurant perched 95m above it. The city is also immaculate, the streets are clean and tidy, crime seems to be very low here and you certainly feel safe walking the streets, even in the early hours of the morning. Actually, the biggest danger you will encounter are the loose paving stones, especially after a night on the sherbet. The police tend to be omnipresent, usually 6-8 of them zooming around piled up in the back of their Octavias or Fabias. The public transport system is also very good, with buses, trolley buses and trams servicing most of the city. The trams tend to travel at close to Mach 1 so you have to watch it when you cross the streets. There is an unusual form of ticketing here. You buy a ticket either from a machine that stands by the bus stop or from certain shops in town. Once you have boarded the bus or tram, you then have to validate the ticket as the tickets are time activated.....confused??? Yes, well I still am and ive been here 6 days.
Arriving here on Tuesday I was met by my good friend Katka, who invited me for a quick beer (which eventually turned into 7) she also wanted to introduce me to the "Richman", who to my consternation, I initially thought may turn out be some kind of Slovakian pimp or drug dealer who was going to kidnap me and force me to become a rent boy......
To my relief the Richman turned out to be the Slovakian answer to the Kebab, basically its a roll full of sauces, ham and various assorted vegetables........where this item of food gets its name from is open to speculation although you can also buy a "Hitman"! Thankfully the Richman is more popular than the Hitman, if she had wanted to introduce me to the Hitman instead then I would have probably turned round got back on the no 61 bus and left the country, no questions asked!!!
Wednesday morning, joy of joys, they have Tesco's here. After a night on the juice I was desperate for something decent for breakfast so in I went........... In the UK, Tesco's have a "2 person in front promise" so if there are 2 people in front of you, or in other words if a queue starts to build then they open another till. Obviously, this doesnt apply here in Slovakia, ive seen a snail thats had one too many joints move quicker...So there I stood in the queue, waiting my turn when I realised that I needed to get my backside in gear and get to Poland, so off I went, leaving my basket in the queue. Two days later, on my return from Poland I went back in to Tesco's to find that I was now only 651st in the queue, luckily, 2 people in front of me had died and one had been taken ill with Sclerosis of the Liver after drinking a whole shelf of wine, which is conveniently located by the checkout. I shuffled around in small circles for around 40 minutes while the cashier sat and drank tea, before again giving up and leaving my basket in the queue and departing the store once more.
Finally I returned to my favorite shop on Monday to find that I was now 3rd in the queue, I had previously exchanged my cakes for fresh ones after I accidently dropped the one I had in my basket on some poor guys foot breaking it in 4 places. Thankfully, the woman in front of me left the queue to replace her milk that had curdled and this now putting me in 2nd place. Then, horror of horrors, some old dear comes and drives her trolley into the back of my foot and starts apologising profusely to me in Slovakian. Being an experiencd traveller, I quickly realise that this is some kind of dasterdly Slovakian tactic to try and divert my attention so that she can jump the queue, but im having none of it. So rather than feel sorry for her and let her in I stand there like a twit, nodding and smiling for almost 1/2 hour while she natters away apologetically. If only I had known how to say the Slovakian equivalent of "Ïts alright love ive got another foot" maybe she would have just gone away!
Needless to say, I got my breakfast and if there is any consolation, the Slovakians do actually make great cakes :)
I must also confess that the Slovakians make great food too, I was introduced to Halusky and a drink called Kofola which is similar to Cola yet in some strange way somewhat more refreshing, even if it does smell like cough medicine!
Not only is Slovakian food and drink extremely tasty but it is also cheap, most meals costing around £2-3 and beer around 75p!
On Thursday I made my way to Krakow in Poland, the idea being to use this as a base to visit Auschwitz (see separate entry)
I had to change trains in the Czech Republic at a train station called Breclav, which was apparently in the middle of some seriously major reconstruction. I had a couple of hours to spend here so I thought I might as well try and see a small part of this country. Trying to get off the platform was like trying to leave a desert island, all exits were blocked and no matter how much I tried I couldnt find a way out. Eventually after 1/2 hour it dawned on me that either the Czech Republic doesnt like foreigners or that the locals simply just walked across the tracks. Needless to say, I stayed put and as a result the Czech Republic missed out on the £1.50 that I would of probably spent on a sandwich at the railway station.
Unfortunately time constraints meant that I didnt get time to see much of Krakow although again, like Bratislava, it struck me as being very clean, beautiful and most importantly safe. The Hostel was also great, full of Australians, New Zealanders and a smattering of other nationalities and we sat playing crazy card games until 1am before hitting the town!
Thanks to a certain Irish girl, who shall remain nameless, I got separated from the main group and about 2 hours later found myself wandering around the streets of Krakow at 4am, it might as well of been Manila only the palm trees were missing! After 10 minutes I did begin to get a tad worried being as my train back to Slovakia was due to leave at 7am and I still had to get back to the Hostel to grab my rucksack. Thankfully the famous Cockle intuition and sense of direction kicked in and I rolled into my hostel about 1-1/2 hours later to a mass of ribbing and piss take!!!
Having not slept properly for around 60 hours, I was now beginning to feel the strain and was hoping to get some sleep on the train....but ohh no.... of all the train compartments in all the world....she had to walk into mine.....yes, the rambling Hungarian woman with 27 suitcases and a bad attitude..... when you need information or a finger pointing in the right direction, can anyone speak English...can they heck, but Hungarian woman could and that was it, I was buggered.
Thankfully a lovely little Japanese guy called K K come to my rescue and we sat chatting about our travels and our interest in Aviation and eventually, Hungarian woman got the point and made a hasty retreat to the next compartment where she continued her tirade.
Back in Bratislava, plots had been hatched and cunning plans constructed to deprive me of yet more sleep. Katka (bless her) had got her friends together and had arranged to keep me up until 6am. Anyway, despite my delicate condition we eventually found ourselves booging the night away on a boat on the River Danube that had been converted into a night club, I still have the scars to prove it after banging my head on the ceiling and crashing into one of the clubs spotlights to everybodys amusement. I put it down to me being tired and of course, the boat was rocking plus I dont think the builders of this particular boat had 6ft 3in people in mind when they designed it :S..... Actually, the beer here isnt very strong, around 4% and Slovakian beer is definately much better than Czech beer, yet to my amazement some clubs and bars only sell the later.
I decided to hop on the train on Tuesday and make my way down to Vienna being as its only 60km away from Bratislava. Katka decided at the last minute to come with me and I spent the day dragging her round the city and having to listen to her questioning my map reading skills every 10 minutes. We headed for the centre or the old part of the city which was stunning from an architectural point of view. A nice way of getting around the city is by horse drawn carriage or you can hire a bike from an automated stand using your credit card.
Its been great spending some time here, I just wish I could of stayed longer although I think im seriously going to need some rest and recuperation time before I head off for India on Sunday. The Slovakian people are warm and friendly, the sights are plentyful and I would recommend a visit to anyone. I just want to thank all the wonderful people ive met and of course Katka who has made my trip here a pleasure and without her it wouldnt of been the same :)

---

---