Bergen Bound: Day One & Two

The past week has been a bit of a blur as I set off on my first Norwegian vacation. But there were things that occurred the night before I departed, during the trip, and last night when I returned that I have been thinking about a lot. I did something...something very unlike me. I finally found my anger and I did something sneaky. And perhaps the concept was for the right reasons, but in actuality, it should not have been carried out the way it did. I don't regret what was said...only the recipient and I know now that I needed to get angry to feel alive again. I needed to be upset with things besides just myself. And that is not a good enough excuse, but as my mother said, "we often hurt the ones we love most." Why? Because we know their weaknesses, their Achilles heals, their faults, and just the right thing to do to piss them off. I gave someone a legitimate reason to hate me which I've never really done before either. And while I feel a little ashamed of myself, I know I had to get it out. I couldn't keep harboring this feeling of angst and anxiety within me. And perhaps my actions will never be forgiven, but perhaps they were for the right reasons? It was a selfish move of mine and I don't like being a selfish person, but if being selfish is the only way to feel again, I may have to for awhile to find myself, to find that sincere part of me that doesn't feel anxious, that sleeps the whole night through, that doesn't cry at every single sappy song on her mp3 player, and that would put even her greatest enemy's feelings before her own if they really needed a shoulder to cry on. That's who I am and that's what I need to find. And I will search the whole world and wander it alone if I have to to get my spirit back. If there is anything all of the recent months have taught me, it is that I know what I want -- I will never settle for anything less. I want laughter and to be so excited about someone that I can't stop smiling. I felt that...and it was brief, but it was totally real and I'd never felt that before. I woke most mornings excited to face the day, excited just to talk to someone. And even if it was only one-sided, even if this person never felt the same and thought I was crazy, it felt pretty damn amazing while it lasted! And I would go through it all again with them, the hurt, the pain, the jealousy, I would do it. That's how much I care. But I know deep down that I need something in return. Self-doubt and self-regret are my biggest faults and I have learned that they will destroy even the greatest friendships and will kill your spirit if you let it. So I need to find myself and my integrity again so I can be that optimistic, peppy, happy-go-lucky girl I was!

And so it is with a pretty heavy mind that I set out on my trip (with my roommate Destinee) to a city called Bergen. It started kind of badly as neither of us slept very well because there was this huge storm outside making a lot of noise. We also got up really early and thought we had to make it to our 8:00a.m. class. Luckily (as we found out via the powers of facebook), our Norwegian language class got canceled so I had more time to talk to my mom before venturing out. We headed off to get something to eat then meandered down to the train station (via the city bus) and ended up arriving about an hour and a half before we were supposed to leave. To pass the time and not fall asleep, we played some E.R.S. (cards) and then I made a short video with my camera. Once we got on the train with excitement as it was our first train ride, I sat there, listening to my music and watching the world pass by outside as Destinee slept a few seats over. And while I saw the trees go by, I thought of the things that had happened, the person that I am, and how much I just want things to go well again. I am such a worrier and a total over-thinker, but maybe a little worrying is good at times. And after awhile, I just laid my head back and thought of how lucky I was to be in Europe, on a train bound for Southwest Norway, and that I'm not totally alone. There are people out there that will read these words and know that I'm searching for the place where I belong. My finest day is not known yet, but I will be prepared when it hits me. Until then, this travelblog brings me comfort and lets me get my message out to the stars. And even if you're feeling sad or feeling ashamed, even if you're best friend wants nothing to do with you, and even if you feel like the scum of the earth...the stars still listen. And that is why I write these words, why I pour my heart out into this blog, just hoping that my message gets to the sky one way or another.

I guess overly quiet Americans shouldn't get so much time alone on a train. But, the first 10 hours were the longest. We finally arrived in Trondheim around 10:30p.m., after weaving through the Norwegian countryside, watching the small towns in Norway pass us by as the sky started to get darker. And when we got to the platform, I was just excited to get off of the train and walk around a little. It was short-lived as we had to get on the next train to Oslo that departed around 11:30p.m. This one was much older, not as spacious, and was an overnight trip. We got a small pack with a sleep mask (which I kept), an inflatable pillow, a blanket, and some ear plugs. I put on the mask and passed out pretty quickly, but woke around 2:30a.m. with dry eyes, worrying about my contacts. I drifted back off and didn't wake again until 6:00a.m. We pulled into the Oslo train station and wandered around for a bit trying to wake up. We even found a bathroom for 10kroner (yah our first pay-to-use bathroom), freshened up a bit, got something to eat, snapped a couple pictures, then made a second video out on the platform. Before long, it was time (around 8:00am) to board the next train and once we did, we were surprised to find that there were a lot of Americans in the same rail car as us. Destinee sat in front of me and ended up getting some advice from a resident of Bergen and there were two couples, one from Utah and one from California, that sat on the other side and were going on a cruise in the fjord. We talked to them a little and when I said I went to school in Alaska, grew up in Idaho, and was over here on exchange, they said "Wow, you are quite the adventurer" and it just brought a big smile to my face.

The ride was kind of long as we didn't pull into Bergen until around 3:00p.m. and our first destination was the hostel. After checking in at Jacob's Dorm and Cafe, we dumped our bags and walked around Bergen a bit, snapping some pictures and getting a feel for the scenery. Then went and got something to eat (a hotdog as that seemed like the safest bet for the night), and then headed back to take showers and unwind. It was quite a hectic first two days, but the weather was pretty nice once we got to Bergen. It rained for the remainder of the trip, but the next few days to come were pretty exciting. To be continued in the next entry...Bergen: Days Three, Four, & Five!

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