walking in the snow

As I walked to class this morning, after a brisk night that covered the layer of ice with a nice layer of powdery fresh snow, I kind of zoned out while Libby and Brad talked about fishing. Now I love fishing, but these two...they live to fish. And they have so many fish in their freezer that their apartment now smells like fish. So as they talked about it and I remembered the fact that I left home exactly two months ago from today, I couldn't help but think that life...is kind of like walking on the snowy/icy ground below. You can be too timid and shuffle your feet, hoping never to lose your grip, catching your breath in your throat when you feel even a margin of your foot slip, and tensing your stomach muscles and shoulders as you walk along. All of this of course while keeping your eyes pointed downward, completely oblivious to what is going on in the world around you. Or you can confidently walk with your head high, not watching the ground, taking giant bold steps and having faith that your $80 hiking boots are going to live up to their name and brace you in even the slickest of spots. Or, you can be like Brad and run and try to purposely slide as far as possible across the foot bridge all with utter confidence that you will still be standing on your own two feet after accomplishing such a slide.

I have to admit that I am a timid walker. And that's how I am in life too. I try to keep the peace and I end up really trying to cover my own ass in the process and to be "the good" one, always hoping not to slip and fall. And while my intentions aren't usually to hurt anyone, being the baby of my family also has shown that I get away with far more than I should sometimes. I was also thinking about something my friend Leslie told me awhile back, how when she came to Norway, her best friend at home quit talking to her. At the time, all I could think was wow, that's really mean. But...I know now, especially today, that her friend was really doing her a favor and walking boldly across the ice, unafraid to fall. Distance is not a relationship-breaker, but definitely a strainer. And trying to keep that closeness while knowing that life goes on without you or your life goes on and you've left someone behind, it's almost too much to bear. Maybe suddenly cutting someone off (like Leslie's friend did) is not the best way to handle things, but perhaps it was the right move. That way, their friendship wouldn't become a series of unanswered emails or missed connections or bad tempered arguments over things they never thought they would fight over. She was really being a better friend in the end.

And if I had been a better person, I would've done the same thing only not abruptly, but I would have said my farewells when I was bound to cross the Atlantic. Or I would've listened when others tried doing the same thing to me. But instead, I used others as my crutch...my connection to home to cure the homesickness that I felt. And while I have been feeling better lately and walking with my head held slightly higher, I can't help but think of those that I have inadvertently pushed down or brushed aside along the way. Just because it wasn't my intention doesn't excuse the fact that I was the source of some harm and anger and disappointment. And it wasn't just one person...but a few close ones that I have let down in the recent past. And on this day, this morning as I thought of home, I thought also of them and how I wouldn't even be able to stand and walk across the ice in this foreign land if it was not for them. So to these people, who are faraway in their own lands, braving the ice and snow or perhaps just the rain as the end of fall sets in, I apologize for always getting away with being the source of hesitation in your confident walk. I hope you are still walking tall, bravely and boldly holding your head high as your xtra-tuffs or rain boots or hiking shoes keep your feet planted firmly on the ground. But don't forget to occasionally take the Brad approach and take a chance, unafraid of falling flat on your ass. After all, that's what I have loved about all of you...your confidence and your good sense of humor. And I hope it's still there!

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