Tulip Flavored Butter Clogs

Land of Orange

It’s funny to me that in the land of orange, they can’t grow orange trees cause it’s too cold. Another thought, what the hell does a windmill do exactly? Did the Dutch really invent the donought? Why invent the clog, when it’s the most uncomfortable shoe in the world and makes a horse hoof sound when you walk in it? Holland has explaining to do.

Every one in Holland speaks English because they have no choice. Unlike Germany, Spain and France, anything that comes from the U.K. or United States is not translated to Dutch. Movies, tv shows, songs, and many books and magazines that get sent here are all sent here in English with Dutch subtitles. The easiest way to learn a language is to not have a choice.


Flowers in the Attic

Tara’s friend Rick picked us up from the airport and we drove to his attic apartment in Leiden, which is about a 20 minute train ride from Amsterdamn. I instantly liked Rick, his car was filled with snacks and sodas for our visit, he wore a clip on tie and he has a goofy laugh. Everything he thinks is funny, I do too. I spent more time laughing than I have all trip. Selene, Rick’s main squeeze, greeted us when we got to their apartment. They live in this giant attic/loft/apartment in Leiden, which is like a small Amsterdam. The town is covered in bars, reasturants, there’s people biking everywhere, canals, a shop that delivers ribs and there’s even little windmills. Seriously, I don’t know if any place in the world’s population bikes as much as this place. Liden made me feel like I was in European Chico.

Our first day in Holland we headed to Amsterdam on the train with Rick and Selene. They all went into Anne Frank’s House. I’ve already been so I danced in place until Tara gave me 7 Euro to get a beer somewhere. As my quest for the most efficient way to spend my 7 Euro on beer began a fat black guy sitting on a bench decided to start shit. Here’s an almost exact transcript of the conversation.

Guy (in perfect English, I suspect he’s from the states, not here): “Hey man come here and let me talk to you a minute.”
Brian: “No, I’m good thank you.”
Guy: “No man, I just want to ask you something”
Brian: (seeing that he just got turned down asking for money by two people) “Sorry man, I gotta be someplace.”
Guy: “What you see a crippled nigger on the street and you can’t stop and talk to him? Fuck you skinny ass white boy, go back to America you fucking racist.”
Brian: “What the fuck is wrong with you? Who don’t know me.”
Guy: “Fuck you faggott.”
Brian: “What did you want from me? Money?”
Guy: “I don’t want your money.”
Brian: “Then what the fuck do you want?”
Guy: “Fuck you, I don’t want your money.”
Brian: “Fuck you, you piece of shit. You don’t shit about me. Fuck you bum.”

What a perfect way to start my day. It was like that quite frequently in Amsterdam, the town exists solely to cater to tourists, students and the arts, yet all the people there are pissed off and angry with the tourists, no matter what your purpose is there. Maybe I just got unlucky, but Liden was social and nice, Amsterdam was full of assholes with a few exceptions. The rest of the day Selene and Rick showed us all of Amsterdamn from the Sex Museum to the naked titie windows of the Red Light District. We topped the night off with some Murphy’s Red Ale, shots of Tequila and a rack of ribs fit for a viking’s belly.

Idiots are Still Running the World

If the idiots don’t directly run the world, they do indirectly. For example; over the last few years, 5 people out of the thousands who have taken magic mushrooms here have killed themselves. I repeat, they have only killed themselves and injured a few. Because of these idiots, Amsterdam has made mushrooms illegal starting Dec 1st. Our initial plan was to take some mushrooms, get a little high and just chill all day in the café. That was the plan Dec 1st. By the time we got to Amsterdam for the 2nd time, it was December 2nd and mushrooms were the hot selling item while supplies last. It was like the black Friday of drugs. We ended up finding a few shops that still had them. We purchased 35 grams of the Mexican Magic Mushrooms and we purches an oz of the Hawaiian. To people who know drugs, that may seem like a lot, but it’s basically enough to get two people really tripped out on each kind or at least we thought, but that’s a story for the Prague blog. We went to a café and purchased some Bubble Gum and Silver Lady pot and had the bartender roll us two joints. Me and Trex aren’t exactly conesuires of weed, so we had no idea that 10 euros worth of weed would paralyze us to stereo typical stoner levels. After one joint in an hour, Tara was a mess and so was i. We went straight to McDonalds and ordered 4 medium fries and a Mc Flurry. Tara wet her pants of laughter on the park bench in front of the train museum. It was mostly a, “you had to be there,” time, beacause I’m sure everything that happened probably wasn’t as funny as I remember. We polished the night off walking around Leiden at night and watching the Liverpool match at a local bar. Here are some of tara’s funny quotes that made me laugh. All quotes are complete sentences, or at least that’s what she thought.



Tara Quotes when high
"Bike"
"It's like i'm wearing a hood, but i'm not."
"I don't remember eating McDonalds, but i know i did."
“I have lost my short term memory.”

Our last night in Amsterdam Selene made us food. We hit the local market and bought snacks and cheese. The young girl at the cheese booth asked if I had a girlfriend. Secretly I was hoping Tara and her would rip each other’s clothes off in a vat of melted cheese, Tara would win the fight and I got to lick all the cheese off of the winner. I’m sick, I know. Though it was tough choosing between tara and free cheese the rest of my life, I stuck with Trex and we carried on to the grocery store. I have grown to love going to the supermarket, because each new country presents a ton of new foods, snacks and beers to choose from. I love the fact that in Europe, you can buy any beer individually instead of purchasing a six pack, only to find out that the beer tastes like Mike Potter’s bath water. I have tried well over 50+ new beers, and I’m approaching 100+ as I write to you from Prague.

Next up, why we should be thankful for Pirates.

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