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Published: January 19th 2006
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Queen Elizabeth II
Buckingham Palace
Do I need zip code?
London, United Kingdom
(if she ain't home, please forward to Ascot- thanks!)
Reg: My visit to the Rock of Gibraltar, a couple of days ago.
Dear Elizabeth,
I want to wish you a happy 80's birthday - a few days earlier then the big day - and that's OK. By the time you get to read my letter most of the champagne hangover will clear out your 80 year old mind, and you´ll enjoy reading this.
I am on a long journey, and on my way from Lisbon to Morocco, by surface, I stopped to visit your famous Rock of Gibraltar, in the south east corner of Europe. Facing Africa. I had a lovely afternoon in your small phallic shaped domain, and I feel like writing to you. Sorry, I didn't mean to belittle The Rock, remember - size doesn't matter.
My dear Queen, if you are among the lucky ones who read my travel updates regularly, as you should be, you know that this is just the methodical, relatively meaningless, niceties and sooner or later I'll get to some less comfortable and highly
Seagulls off your Rock
Now you knoa what they do provocative points, to say the least.
Order some tea and biscuits from room service, and read on.
By the way, may I call you Eli ? (thanks! you can call me Zeevi)
So Eli (there is a nice ring to you wouldn't you say), kindly consider it a gallant move on my part that I take upon myself to notify you the following: (in case they are trying to protect your royal ears from this horrible truth)-
- The hundreds of very pretty Macaque Monkeys that roam your rock - shit on it!! The thousands of seagulls hovering all over your pretty rock - shit on it as well. The assorted cliff-nesting seabirds shit on your rock. The Pigeons that fly over the quaint little town you have there - shit on it with vengeance's. The seven drunken youths I saw smoking joints on the other side of the rock - pissed on the rock- I didn't see them taking a dump, but I presume they do some times.
If your dear old chaps in MI5 read this - The late teens were very polite and offered me a hit from the joint- but I didn't take it.
Even if I would have tried it, as a courtesy, I would not have inhaled, in case I run for presidency some day. ( Do you think I should? I mean, run for president)
Please don't consider me a snitch, but sadly even the gorgeous, migrating white storks I saw in a field on the way from Spain - shit on your rock before they continue their flight to Africa.
Next: I really dislike the monument your people erected on the west side of the road towards the Rock. It is a tall stone cross, with an iron sword mounted on it. The inscription say "In glorious memory of those who died for the empire"
first -what happened to separating religious symbols and icons of war?
Second -how convenient was it to forget the Atheists, Hindus, Jews, Muslims, Devil Worshipers, Druids and Read Head Punks with Mohican's hairstyle that defended your sinking empire as well? The Buddhists excluded themselves out of this one.
Sweetheart (i hope i am not crossing the line here), this is a good time to summon room service, again, and switch to a sherry. Better make it a double scotch.
When you see
Prince Charles around the Palace this week, please give him my best and tell him that I am really sorry he is, regretfully, only a prince at his age. Come on, Eli, Don't you think it is time to let him have a go at running the monarchy for a bit? Soon he'll be a senior citizen as well, and will be permitted take the bus for free. Be a good Mommy, and let him play king for a while.
If your MI5 blokes will google me at this point, like they should have done with the missing W.M.D, they will find out that I have two citizenships. Israeli and American - chronologically. Please don't think badly of me because unconnectedly, both countries had to kick the British ass out during their Independence wars. I had nothing to do with it - I even wasn't there.
Last but not least, (I hate this expression) I would love, Eli, to use this moment to thank you for sending your adorable troops, with the cute accent, to help the Yanks in Iraq. I don't mean help them in spelling English. Thanks for doing it against the silly wishes of 83%
of your subjects. After all, Eli, what do these ludicrous commoners know or understand. The only reason to have them is that they pay taxes and buy souvenir limited addition plates and tea cups after one gets rid of socialites like Lady D.
Thanks, darling.
Again, if you like to read more of my updates I'll gladly add you to my list, or when i publish my book, you can buy the hard cover. We'll find a way to make it tax deductible so your subjects will pay for it.
have a royally nice day ( for lack of a better analog)
Love
zeev
P.s. You might not find this extremely interesting, but one of the drunken pot smoking youths I mentioned before, is a self proclaimed ex heroin addict and currently a yoga teacher - name Maxine. Believe it or not, while talking to her, I helped her realizing a pivoting truth in her life. She, in real humane exchange from the heart, gave me a great clue in my search for the meanings of "coincidences", something I've been contemplating on, for a long time now. I'll tell you more another
The Rock Hotel
Where i didn't stay time.
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Mikolaj
non-member comment
Funny
Great read man.