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Published: November 12th 2009
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Here is my tour report for my Gong Show week. I am forever indebted to the lovely Zile (waiter on the Providnost) for keeping me company when all around me were drunk.
Split-Split 15/08/09 AM Providnost
Number of pax; 14
Check-in; Fine, except that about an hour before the pax were set to arrive, I found out that Tonci, waiter on the Javorak and one of my closest friends out here (Tracey will remember him) was fired, and the cook on the same boat also quit. We'd been traveling with them for 3 days and hadn't heard a peep about it, so I was thrown for a bit of a loop. I couldn't find Tonci before we left Split to ask what happened or say goodbye. Sad. 😞
Day 1; Hvar
Number of pax for dinner; 14 (picnic)
I realized during the first four minutes of our first lunch that this group was a bunch of loose canons; they happily shared the story about one of the girls who won a wet t-shirt contest in Ios by taking off her top and flashing the whole bar. And her friends barely noticed because they were busy doing shots
where the bartender bangs fire extinguishers, chairs and skateboards over your head. Like Kiva Bar's tequila boom booms, but way more stupid.
At the picnic, I left one of the pax in charge of buying our wine with the leftover money; she came back with 3 boxes of goon. I don't think any of them went back for seconds of the food because they were too preoccupied with skulling goon from the bag.
'God help me', I thought, as I ate my paski sir in a corner by myself.
Kiva Bar was great, until I started to scroll through Sasa's camera and found photos of his girlfriend prowling around on a boat. She is basically the hottest, sexiest, filthiest porn star/supermodel ever (and she's probably a doctor or lawyer to make her even more perfect) and any hopes I had of maybe stealing him away were immediately crushed. So I got drunk to drown my sorrows, and will have to be content with Tequila Boom Booms being the closest I'll ever get to him.
Day 2; Mljet
Number of pax for dinner; 12 (bbq)
None of my people went into the park because they much preferred
to play drinking games on the boat. Fair enough, though; a good game of "fuzzy duck" beats an 800 year old monastery and 10,000 year old lakes any day!
Also, that night, one of them decided to wow the group with the trick of squirting milk out of his eyeball. The challenge was laid down that if he could squirt Absinthe out of his eyeball, one of the guys would pay for all his beers the next day.
'Potential blindness in one eye for a whole day of free piss... Well worth the risk!' he said, but thankfully got too paralytic early in the night to go through with it.
Day 3; Dubrovnik
Number of pax for dinner; 14 (Aquarius)
This was the day when I really threw my hands up and said "WTF" to this group. We were lucky enough to eat at DELICIOUS Aquarius, a restaurant that normally makes everyone's mouth water at the mere mention of it. At the end of the meal, I heard a few of the girls shouting the sentence that I hate more than any other: "This isn't like the salmon we get back in Australia!". It was maybe a half-centimetre thinner than what these people were used to in 'Stra'ia (those types of whingers always pronounce Australia that way), and they were disgusted. When I told the table that tipping is customary in Croatia, they started shouting "I'm not tipping, the food was shit!" (definitely loud enough for the waiters to hear). Let's not get me started on how I feel about non-tippers.
Went to Fresh afterwards and while I was hiding in a corner telling my troubles to Robi, my group up and left without me.
'Thank God for that,' I thought as I quickly hopped on a bus and went home!
Day 4; Korcula
Number of pax for dinner; 12, but really only 11 were mentally present (Caenazzo)
The group had stayed out until 6am and as soon as they woke up they decided to start a beer-drinking competition, for the prize of a sailor's hat they bought in Dubrovnik. To be fair, the rules and regulations involved in this game were pretty entertaining but it meant that the 4 participants didn't see any of Korcula until they managed to drag themselves to Dos Locos that night, and then the next day in Makarska, 2 of them didn't even leave the boat at all.
Some of us had a good dinner at Caenazzo, others just ate whatever to soak up the booze before getting on it again. My purse and flip-flops broke en route to Massimo, so I looked like a hobo walking through town with my drunk followers.
There was a beer skulling comp at Dos Locos (which the lovely Kels hosted). The best participants from my group were: Gez, who had been spewing up Bile in an alleyway two minutes before getting set to take the stage; and Tim, who had drank 7 litres of beer already that day and had been passed out since 5 in the afternoon, but his drinking sixth sense perked up when it sensed that free beer might be happening somewhere and he made it to the bar just in time to compete. Neither of them won, but they both put in an incredible effort. Whilst they were arguing about being cheated when it was announced they hadn't won, Kels actually said, into the mic, "Australians at their best, ladies and gentlemen!" It was Fantastic.
Day 5; Makarska
Number of pax for dinner; 14 (Peskera)
Drinking beer, drinking Beer, drinking beer, talking about drinking beer, telling other boats about drinking beer. Vomiting over the side of the boat. Girls screaming out, whilst still suffering from last night's hangover, "I want to get paralytic!" Captain Zvone called them a bunch of 'mimouns', which means monkeys. And I agreed.
Trying to give a spiel to a lunch room of people who can't stop talking crap for one minute, or who get up and leave halfway through because they're too hungover to sit down, is impossible and thoroughly unpleasant. After every spiel I had to cut short because no one was listening , I nearly shed a tear at the thought of all of my previous 12 beautiful groups.
The dinner was delicious for half the group; "not like what we get in 'Stra'ia" for the other half.
Day 6; Omis
Number of pax for dinner; 12 (pasta dinner onboard)
We had a pretty good pirate party, with water bombs and water guns and all. The boys decided to quit their drinking competition as they were all suffering from either explosive diarrhea, near-broken knees or a whooping cough. Wise decision, I thought.
(Incidentally, the guy who I had money on to win the comp ended up winning. So all was not lost for me).
Day 7; Split
Number of pax for dinner; we all got fast/fab food and ate it along tne riva.
The tour, at long last, came to an end!! It was my 13th tour ... Unlucky number indeed!
In the end, I guess, I got a kick out of them at times, but now, two days into my new tour, I'm soooo happy to have a conversation about something other than booze. Like Croatia, for example.
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