The Chicken Bus

Ahh the chicken bus - our main form of transport through Central America. There are long-distance luxury coaches, air-conditioned tourist shuttles, convenient taxis...and then there is the chicken bus, so called in reference to the way passengers are packed into the bus like chickens stuffed in a cage in transit. Not even room for a breeze to pass.

These cheap and cheerful chariots are the pulse of Central America, pumping life around the cities and providing a lifeline to rural communities. Another reason for the name: an incredible amount of goods are squeezed onto the buses - sacks of corn, crates of coke, baby clothing, pillows, bags of concrete, puppies - anything and everything is hoisted onto the huge roofracks, pushed under seats or stacked in the aisles. And yes, chickens as well.

The former US and Canadian school buses are given a lick of latino charm. Elaborate spray-painted and hand-painted murals adorn the front, back and sides. The buses in Guatemala and Panama were especially colourful. We´ve seen scenes from Star Wars, fairytales, realistic flame designs and, the most popular, Jesus Christ depicted as a young and cool rock star. No blasphemy intended. Most buses are given names and it is always female (good for hauling things about!!). Inside is an Aladdin´s cave of stickers, religious plastic figures (usually Our Lady or the Sacred Heart), stuffed toys and flashing lights. Most of the decorations are religious blessings or display the team emblem of the other Central American religion - football (either Real Madrid or Barcelona more times than not).

Pumping out the latest latin beats at a level of distortion are homemade sound systems, rigged up to large speakers placed in the overhead racks. Having a quiet chat or a snooze is not always an option. Weirdly, on a standing room only journey towards Belize City, in between endless rap songs the driver played Chris De Burgh ´Lady in Red´. Jess and I couldn´t stop laughing. (Turns out ´Lady in Red´is very popular in Central America - we have heard it in almost every country, thrown in amongst the latest Spanish hits on local radio.)

Most of the drivers, no actually ALL chicken bus drivers, are speed crazy lunatics with Formula One aspirations. Cliffs are not a welcome sight. As we bounced around the seat like a basketball on the bumpy twisty highland roads of El Salvador, we were in the hands of fate.

A job description for a chicken bus driver might go like this:

Are you a maniac with a desire to drive buses?
Do you have a disregard for human life?
Can you overtake on corners?
Do you have urges to use the horn at every available opportunity?
No experience needed, persons with missing body parts more than welcome.
If this sounds like you, call Rapido Transport today!

I´d better explain the reference to missing body parts. We noticed that there seemed to be a disproportionately high number of bus drivers with a body part missing - a finger, an arm or an eye. It made no difference to their driving ability, they were all equally crazy.

As well as a bus driver, most buses have a conductor. If you remember bus conductors in Dublin or London, you´re old! The conductor ensures the whole system runs smoothly and cuts out time wasting. He is a shepherd, an acrobat and a mathematician.

The main job of the conductor is to pack the live cargo into the bus. Seats that once held two American school kids now accommodate four children or three adults. The aisle can be as packed as the New York subway at rush hour. Hot days can raise an eyebrow or two and make a short trip very long. The conductor must also handle the goods. He will remember without a pause for thought who is getting off where and what bags to have at the ready - climbing out the back door to the roofrack, all while the bus is thundering down the road. Wondering if our bags would still be on top when we got to our destination was a worry. After each stop, the conductor makes his way through the bus collecting fares. There are no fixed bus stops, so with people hopping on and off by the front and the rear doors, it can get chaotic. We saw baseball hats being pulled down over faces in the hope of avoiding payment. It rarely worked. The conductor always remembered who had just gotten on and who had already paid, even without using tickets. Some crafty conductors told us that they didn´t have any change, he´d drop it down to us afterwards. Usually this meant that I would have to accost him a little while later. Thankfully this was infrequent.

We came across quite a few characters. In Costa Rica, we asked a conductor what time the bus was leaving. He looks down at the invisible watch on his wrist and without flinching says, "Ten minutes". Priceless.

A bus minus a conductor results in trouble, as happened to us on the Nicaraguan island of Ometepe. The bus was packed. It is an infrequent service connecting one end of the island to the other, and the entire island population seemed to be on board. Jessica and I are wedged in the centre. Being the first to board, our bags were buried under piles of sacks, boxes and all sorts. We vaguely recognise a landmark and think our stop is up next. Without a conductor we could only guess! We make our way to the rear of the bus to dig our bags out and shout for the driver to stop. I climb out of the back door so Jess can pass down the rucksacks. I had barely grabbed the second bag when the bus takes off, back door wide open and with Jess neither in nor out. I heard Jess and other passengers shout at him to stop, but the driver´s mind was made up. I stood stunned on the side of the road as Jess and the bus began to shrink. Further up the road, a pick-up pulled out in front of the bus and the driver braked, slowing down enough for Jess to jump...and jump she did!

Although the driver and conductor will rush passengers on and off (using tricks like revving the engine or pretending to pull off so people run for the bus), they have no qualms about stopping to do a little shopping or for a quick chicken dinner at roadside stalls - all while we sit like lemons looking out the window. I know lots of people who would explode with stress in this situation, but it would all be in vain! On one occasion in Cuba we were delayed ages as the driver negotiated banana prices. As an apology, the conductor came down the bus handing us one banana each.

In every country, hawkers board the bus selling their wares. One thing is for sure, hunger doesn´t travel on a chicken bus. You can buy tortillas, sunglasses, bags of fruit, pens, chewing gum, socks, ice cream, belts, plantain crisps, cure for worms...the variety was unbelievable. And once the passengers have eaten and drank? The litter goes out the window. Rubbish bins have not yet caught on in this part of the world. After drinking a bag of guava juice, a young Guatemalan boy sitting opposite needs to pee. The mother opens a plastic bag in which the boy relieves himself. The bus was just leaving a village after dropping off and picking up passengers. With a number of people close to the bus, the mother stands up and as cool as you like flings the bag of wee out of the window. You couldn´t help but laugh!

A similar situation in Honduras didn´t leave us laughing though. It was a really hot day. We are sitting towards the back of the bus. Four seats ahead of us, a toddler has over-indulged on sweets and is getting sick. The conductor is going mad. He brings down some towels and shouts at the child´s older sister to wipe it up. When she is done, the idiot flicks the towel out of the window. To my horror, the sick took flight inside the bus and splattered everyone before we had time to react. Mayhem erupts.

Having said all this, we absolutely loved travelling on chicken buses. I would go so far as to say it is one fo the highlights of our little break. If the buses in South america are half as colourful and crazy or as loud and lively, Jessica and I will be happy passengers.

From James

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